


We'd Have Been Perfect

by Code520



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BJYX | Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan is Real, Best Friends, Chaptered, Drama, Drunkenness, Feelings, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Party, References to Drugs, Threats, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:53:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 72,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25997062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Code520/pseuds/Code520
Summary: A college student, Wang Yibo, has always been beside Xiao Zhan, a master degree student and his teacher in practice, for two years. A friendship, filled with hidden feelings and restrained behaviour, will be threatened by a secret that will bring Xiao Zhan to the limit and will test how strong Yibo's feelings are for his friend. Will they make it?
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 68
Kudos: 120





	1. Riot

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any possible grammar mistake, English is not my mother tongue.

With the sunset already filling the sky with dark tones of blue, purple, red and orange, a car was heading to a party done in a nightclub beside the beach. Inside, there were two men who were just listening to music in the meantime. The driver was tall, with thin complexion, black, short hair that fell over his forehead on both sides. His almond eyes were dark but vivid and his lips were pink, thinned when he smiled. He was wearing black trousers with a white T-shirt inside of them and a black leather jacket. Instead, the other one, sitting on the copilot, was more serious, with brown hair brushed at a side. His sharp eyes constasted with his round nose, soft cheeks and fleshy lips that got bitten often. He was wearing dark green baggy pants, a long white T-shirt with a cool design on it that along with the three earrings, two in his left side and one in the right, gave him a different aura from the other man.

They had been friends from college for two years; the driver, Xiao Zhan, was twenty six years old, getting specialized in design and giving some lessons in college being that young, and the copilot, Wang Yibo, was twenty one years old, second grade from a degree of Arts. So Xiao Zhan became his senior and even if everyone didn’t have a doubt they were the opposite side of each other, they really got along when one day Xiao Zhan did a lesson for the class where Wang Yibo was two years ago. The difference between them was evident, yet it was regular to see them playing around the buildings and campus. That was why they were best friends at that point and they had been invited to a party with more of their college mates. However, the waiting until arriving wasn't been welcomed by that moody man, who was looking through a window.

“If you continue going this slow, we will arrive when it's over” Yibo complained with low voice, not even glacing at Xiao Zhan to see how the latter rolled his eyes bothered by his impatience.

“I respect the speed, not like someone who goes crazy with his precious motorbike” he counterattacked without caring if he could get even more bothered because at the end, they were constantly joking and disturbing each other with nasty comments.

“I don't go crazy, but I'm not a turtle like you either” this time he turned around to see his expression and guide between his comments. Xiao Zhan instead continued driving without even moving an eyebrow.

“Okay, okay, shut up for a while. You're prettier in silence” Xiao Zhan attacked again, knowing it was impossible Yibo would shut up with that. Indeed, he wanted to continue fighting until the party. Because it was funny, it was exciting.

“Prettier? I'm not a girl” he complained with angry voice and expression. “Although, you might notice me if I were...” he muttered looking at the opposite side where Xiao Zhan was. Yet the older man listened to him and muffled a chuckle.

“Again with that?” he asked, this time a bit more serious even if they were constantly joking about it.

“I’m just telling you I'll treat you for a dinner” Yibo sounded offended, or better said, pretended to be offended, because indeed his angry expression had disappeared.

“Yeah, and what else?” he frowned, knowing he was omitting a part of his deal, and that was when Yibo smiled.

“With happy ending” his voice sounded proud for inviting his friend to have sex with him. Instead, Xiao Zhan sighed, knowing he had already started with it again.

“We are best friends, I don't do that with my friends” the driver excused himself not to do the happy ending and Yibo clicked his tongue.

“Who says best friends can't calm each other when they are in need?” then, the boy reached Xiao Zhan's Adam's apple with his index finger, getting rejected when his head were moved to a side.

“You are in heat, that's different” his poisoned comments were back.

“Oh c'mon, if it were a girl who was asking this, you would fuck her in the restroom of the nightclub even!” Yibo complained with loud voice, taking advantage they were in a car and no one was near it.

“I wouldn’t!” Xiao Zhan got offended. “And why don't you ask this to a girl, huh?” he changed the subject in a fast move, being sure Yibo wouldn't come back to the previous one.

“Because I'm not interested in girls, I told you” he answered naturally about it mainly because Xiao Zhan already knew Yibo's likes since the beginning.

“The day you call yourself as gay will be a progress” he sighed, reaching already the parking, what was so crowded by all the people in the party.

“If I have to classify myself, then tell me, what are you, straight or bisexual?” Yibo asked inside of the car, but Xiao Zhan was already going out in a fast move not to answer. He clicked his tongue and removed his seatbelt to open the door and get out. Yet Xiao Zhan looked as not having heard him, already starting to walk towards the nightclub, where a bunch of people was outside smoking and talking. “Xiao Zhan, answer me!” Yibo complained and chased him with fast steps.

“I haven't heard you, sorry” still his friend lied and greeted some friends, but Yibo wouldn’t shut up just because they weren't alone.

“Are you straight or bisexual?” he asked again, this time being listened by Xiao Zhan and by their two friends, Qian Lu, a pretty twenty-three-years-old woman who was Yibo's best friend, and Cao Wen, a twenty-five-years-old man who was good friend of both, closer of Xiao Zhan because they had some lessons together. That was why their two friends frowned while listening to that out-of-the-blue question none understood. Xiao Zhan sighed with a weak grin, though.

“I'm straight, stop asking” he answered not even turning his gaze to his best friend and Yibo frowned, a glimpse of disappointment painted his pupils.

“What? For real?” Lu exclamed surprised and looked to them both. Xiao Zhan erased his grin and nodded being pretty lost. “I thought you were gay” she chuckled loudly and leaned on Wen's shoulder before sighing with bitter face.

“What? Why?” Xiao Zhan widened his eyes, trying to smile, but not being really amused by that.

“It seems you have no idea of how many times I tried to hit on you...” she admitted without a bit of embarrassment and returned to her spot while looking at that tall, startled man who didn’t know what to answer.

“Lulu?!” Yibo called her with bothered voice, yet she only chuckled as her hands brushed her hair softly.

“Don't be jealous, Bobo. I just wanted some fun for a night, you know...” she replied, not giving it importance. Only then, it was when Xiao Zhan got so offended.

“Why does everyone just want me for a night?” he complained, not being really bothered as they were between friends, but kind of bitter by the fact his pretty face couldn’t be used for more than just hitting on people for fun. No one seemed like wanting to have something else with him.

“It's not you, it's just that now people don't really want something serious anymore” Wen talked to add some brain to that chat and even if Xiao Zhan had to agree with his comment, he still felt bitter about what Lu had just said and he had never realized.

“But you're gonna do two years with your girlfriend, right?” Yibo pointed out, having good memory about that. His friend nodded.

“Yeah, well, I think when they right person arrives, no matter how you are, if young, old, a careless or a very mature person. It just happens” he explained, being so deep out of the blue and everyone stayed in silence. Yibo looking away with dark expression, Xiao Zhan getting nervous and Lu not really understanding why he was so serious about the matter all of sudden, so she grabbed Yibo's arm and tried to change subject.

“Well, we're here to have fun, let's go inside” she immediately dragged Yibo inside, not really waiting for Wen or Xiao Zhan to follow them, and a space was created between the two pairs. Once inside, the electronic music was very loud, people talking and singing as well, it was the perfect moment for Yibo to stop beside the counter and talk with his friend.

“Lulu, what the fuck have you just said about Zhan-ge?” he spoke loudly beside her while she was asking for four beers to the bartender. Then, she retuned to him with softer expression.

“Do you really think I would try to hit on him knowing your feelings?” Lu asked with serious expression, hitting the weakest spot for Yibo, who looked away right after hearing that, after hearing what he was trying constantly to hide and make it disappear as if it had never existed.

“No, but-“

“When we first knew him, I wanted to know if he was gay or straight by hitting on him for you. He rejected me constantly so I thought he was just gay so I let you continue, thinking you might have any chance. Who would have said it was me...” she sighed, seeing that as karma because she had always been followed by any type of men unless the ones she had ever truly liked. Maybe she was cursed in romance.

“It wasn't you, Lulu. In years, we have never seen him with anyone, I think it's just him who doesn't want that” Yibo frowned, wondering why Xiao Zhan was so closed regarding liking someone or just having some fun, hitting on someone. He had never seen him doing it with anyone.

“Then, isn't it time to give up?” suddenly, she spoke with sad eyes and Yibo looked away at the next second. He knew she was right, he knew after years trying to be more than just friends, Xiao Zhan had just rejected him and turned that weird habit of asking him for sex into a game between them. What continued hurting Yibo more and more. He was sure Xiao Zhan didn’t do it on purpose, but the younger man was so tired of waiting, of trying, of chasing. He was too hurt.

“Maybe...” Yibo answered and Lu approached to him to caress his face.

“I’m sorry, Bobo” she muttered under the music, yet Yibo could know perfectly what she had just said. That was why he smiled weakly to shake slightly his head after.

“I should have stopped long time ago” he admitted, swallowing all his pain and frustration to look fine, yet his friend did a step and hugged his neck tightly, brushing his hair tenderly. They didn’t usually do that, but sometimes it was the best healer between them, just a hug. His arms surrounded her waist and no matter if they were man and woman, their bodies were pressed, just feeling like what they were for each other, friends. So a few seconds after, they separated a bit, still being closer because she wanted to look into his eyes and be sure he wasn't pretending to be better. However, their other two friends arrived and interrupted their private moment.

“What happens?” Xiao Zhan asked with surprised expression along with a smile that wasn't reflected into his eyes. Then, the two friends did a step backwards and Yibo looked away, still wondering how he should give up on chasing him. Hence, Lu answered for both.

“Hugging my teddy, I already want cuddles and only he can handle me” she approached Xiao Zhan to do like a cat's paw and chuckled right after, looking as joking without having drunk. Wen bursted into laughter and grabbed his beer on the counter to start.

“Teddy-Yibo, since when are you this huggable? I want hugs too” Wen's voice became like a high-schooler, moving his hand to touch his chest, and Yibo slapped it right after with disgusted face.

“Call me like that again and you're dead, bro” he threatened him and grabbed his beer to sip it, feeling the alcohol refreshing his body slowly and burning his throat satisfyingly.

“Peace, peace” Lu grabbed the two drinks left on the counter and handed one out to Xiao Zhan, who took it with fake niceness, what surprised Lu. Since then, she remained in silence, wondering why Xiao Zhan had showed such a rude expression to her if they had never had any trouble with each other. She kept hearing how the three men talked and drank. Yet she only nodded and laughed from time to time, feeling bad for Yibo and disturbed by Xiao Zhan. So in the end, when Yibo and Xiao Zhan were watching something in a phone, she approached Wen and told him she was going to meet some friends in that party. Then, she disappeared, not being noticed by the two men who frowned when they were done with the phone and didn’t find Lu there anymore.

“Where is she?” Yibo asked worried. Wen explained him right after and he got calmer. However, Xiao Zhan remained in silence, not really projecting his thoughts on his expression, what made it impossible for his friends to deduce why he was so weird that night.

“Are you feeling well?” Wen asked, noticing he was acting odd. Still, Xiao Zhan nodded and went to order another drink. Yibo frowned because he knew his friend had a very low alcohol tolerance and approached to warn him.

“You shouldn’t drink this much” he got worried yet all he got was a complain by Xiao Zhan.

“Just let me have fun” he replied rudely and Yibo clicked his tongue, turning around and walking towards Wen.

“I’m gonna search for Lulu, take care of that idiot who's already drunk” he adviced to that confused man and walked off. His friend didn’t say anything, or maybe he didn’t hear him, and began to look around to see if Lulu was near. He needed to be far away of Xiao Zhan at least that night or everything would be more complicated if they were drunk and together. Yet, no matter how much he searched, she wasn't appearing inside the nightclub, so he went outside to see if she was getting some fresh air. Surprisingly, she was there, talking with some girl friends Yibo also knew by sight from college. He didn’t doubt in approaching the group and touch her shoulder not to scare her.

“Bobo? What are you doing here?” she asked with surprise painted on her face and the man there raised his eyebrows.

“That’s my sentence, you disappeared without telling me” he reproached her with serious voice. Hence, she sighed and blinked a few times.

“I felt that I wasn't welcomed by Xiao Zhan, somehow” she confessed without doing circles in the matter because she knew it wasn't needed between them. Then, Yibo frowned, taking five seconds to wonder what that meant.

“Do you mean that guy every girl is in love with?” one of her friends spoke in the middle of their chat because they were listening too and Yibo nodded.

“Do you know him?” he asked, wondering if he became that popular by starting to do lessons.

“Of course! He was already known because he's bloody handsome, but he became way more popular when he started to hit on girls constantly!” other girl spoke this time, using a voice as if she was telling gossips. At that moment, Yibo's blood stopped running through his veins. Was he a womanizer in truth?

“Rumours say if he has already been with one hundred of different girls!” her friends continued spitting disgusting information about Xiao Zhan as if he was actually the worst for doing that and Yibo clenched his fists, being unable to listen to anything else.

“Well, that's all a lie!” he shouted at the group with angry face and the women got scared by his sudden reaction. Lulu tightened her lips, but didn’t say anything.

“Don't dare to call me a liar, boy. Go around asking if they have been hit on by Xiao Zhan” one of the girls got offended and answered him rudely. The startled man only looked aside, knowing if he did, he would find a truth about Xiao Zhan he didn’t want to know about.

“Maybe the younger girls don't know him” then, that fact was added by a high-pitched voice and Yibo looked immediately to Lulu, who had remained in silence since they started talking.

“What do you mean?” his question left his mouth not even thinking if knowing more details would be better for him.

“Like two years ago maybe, he stopped doing that. At first we thought it was to gain more attention because girls had to try harder, but he continued rejecting everyone. It crashed with his graduation from his grade so we thought as he would start to give some lessons for his master degree, he couldn’t do it anymore as it would be like teacher and student” he was explained and somehow for Yibo that had sense enough to believe that had been a proper reason to change his behaviour. Yet, the change between what he had lived beside Xiao Zhan and what those girls were telling him was so abysmal he couldn’t trust 100% their words. How could a person change 180° out of the blue? For Yibo, it didn’t make sense.

“Lulu, do you know anything about this?” he asked, wondering if she knew, how could she haven't told him?

“No, at all. When I transfered here, it was about two years ago, remember? You were new too so we started to talk because of that” Lulu reminded him. Because he trusted her as his best friend, he knew she wasn't lying and that what happened in the past with Xiao Zhan remained in the present as just gossips and rumours to talk about when they were bored.

“I do remember” he spoke serious, looking aside. That information had really blew his mind in a way he had never expected. His image of Xiao Zhan had changed so drastically that even if he had a small hope to be liked by him, it had just been broken like that. In a second by mean comments made up by rumours. Somehow, he realized how unfair that had been. How unfair their friendship had always been for him.

“Bobo, are you okay?” Lulu touched his shoulder to make him return to this world and Yibo nodded, blinking as if indeed he was far away from that place.

“Yes, yes. Don't worry” he answered her, pretending. “Also, what did you mean you weren't welcomed by him?” he came back to the main subject that was interrupted by her friends and Lulu opened her mouth, doubting if after what they had just said, it was the moment to add more wood to the fire.

“It was nothing, maybe I just mistook his behaviour!” she smiled as fake as Yibo was pretending to be okay. Then, the two friends looked into each other's eyes and saw they weren't in a good place to be sincere. So Yibo accepted with another nod and Lulu recovered her usual, explosive self. “Then! We should continue having fun!” she changed the mood in the ambient in a second, what made Yibo grin. “Return with Xiao Zhan and Cao Wen, I'll be back in a while, okay?” she said.

“Perfect” his hand stroked her shoulder as a symbol of talking later and she smiled back to him to cheer him up. Sometimes he really needed such a person beside him to erase his negative thoughts. He was his worst enemy after all.

So with that, he turned around and walked between the people there, who were drinking and smoking stronger stuff than the legal one, to return inside the nightclub. In the meantime, he wondered how he should act with Xiao Zhan now he knew that side of his. Yibo had always been asking his friend for sex not really caring what that would mean for their friendship. What could be seen as just an invitation from another guy to make out without compromise was just the perfect excuse for Yibo to have their first and last night between them. And only now, he realized how selfish he had always been every time he asked Xiao Zhan for that. Luckily or unluckily, Xiao Zhan had always rejected that. So somehow, Yibo was grateful with that, because actually he was doubting they could have continued being best friends if they had done it. Having him as friend was more important that just a fleeting memory of what would never happen between them.

So having understood many things that night, he retuned to where Xiao Zhan and Cao Wen were still drinking. However, even if Wen was fine, Xiao Zhan moved weirdly, as if he was so tired. Hence Yibo touched his shoulder for asking if he felt okay, yet his friend pouted like a kid and moved hastily not to be touched by him. Yibo frowned and glanced at Wen, who shook his head, expressing frustration. “Aren’t you better with Lulu?” suddenly, he spat, pronouncing each syllable as if his mouth had anesthesia. With that, Yibo understood that the impression Lulu had before hadn't been a mistake by her side. “Then, just go away. I... I don't need you!” he complained, having his cheeks and ears flushed by the alcohol.

“How much has be drunk?” Yibo asked to his friend who was there not really doing anything to stop him from continuing getting as drunk as just a few times.

“I don't know” Wen replied not really caring about that. At the next second, Yibo was piercing his pupils with anger for not having followed his instructions of taking care of him.

“Weren't you here all the time?” he reproached Wen with loud voice.

“No, my girlfriend called me for a second and I left him alone just ten minutes. When I came back he was like this” the older man tried to excuse himself and Yibo knew Xiao Zhan was old enough not to need anyone babysitting him, so he decided to focus on waking up that man, who couldn't even stand in his feet properly, and stop blaming someone for this, when the guilty one was that tall man in front of him.

“Okay, Xiao Zhan, how much have you drunk?” he decided to ask it straight to his friend, who looked away showing he was still angry. Then, Yibo removed the beer from his hand to give it to Wen and made him look at his face. “How much?” he repeated it being even more serious. Then, Xiao Zhan opened his mouth.

“Maybe... Five beers... And a cocktail?” he wondered aloud. But it was enough to make Yibo take his hand to his forehead.

“You, stupid moron, didn’t I tell you not to drink too much?” he started to scold his best friend in the middle of the nightclub, what provoked Xiao Zhan got as bothered as a kid.

“How can I have fun without alcohol?!” the drunk man replied being as angry as the clean guy.

“I thought you were smarter than that bullshit” he spat carelessly and grabbed his arm. “C’mon, let's go to the restroom” he ordered, yet Xiao Zhan tried to set himself free and complained.

“No!” the drunk man pouted and moved as if he was a baby, not even a kid anymore. And that just made Yibo be angrier.

“Xiao Zhan, I said move!” he shouted not even caring about the people around. “Now!” with that last shout, Xiao Zhan gave up and walked towards the restroom direction. Hence Yibo walked behind him. However, he didn’t expect his friend would try to escape by going to the opposite direction. Luckily, Yibo was faster and grabbed his wrist before letting him go that easily. No matter if Xiao Zhan opposed to be dragged, he was drunk and Yibo wasn't, so obviously that young man won the game by locking them into the restroom finally. He stayed in front of the door, not letting him get out of there and Xiao Zhan got mad.

“You’re the worst!” he complained again like a kid and Yibo nodded, not really caring a little bit about what he could say.

“Okay, okay, but wash your face” he ordered his friend crossing his arms, still blocking the door, hoping no one would enter the restroom. Maybe Xiao Zhan really gave up finally, because he approached a sink and opened the tap to wash his face as a good kid. Yibo supervised him meanwhile and when he was done, he removed himself from the door to approach and help him. However, when he was already beside him, hastily Xiao Zhan splashed water on Yibo as a revenge for having forced him.

“You’re gonna pay!” he yelled while throwing more water on Yibo, who tried to stop him with his two hands. At first, he was bothered by that, but when he saw Xiao Zhan was laughing while doing that, a smile was created on his face too and Yibo followed his game to throw water on him too to stop him when he was covering himself. Then, when their hands were fighting to grab each other, Yibo was still stronger, so Xiao Zhan was reduced against the sink, being all wet, drunk and trapped by his wrists. Their bodies were completely stuck and what was two smiles became two pairs of lips that didn’t know too well what to do. Yibo gulped, wondering what was happening between them at that moment, wondering why Xiao Zhan was just there, not doing anything, nor saying to go away. Maybe... Maybe he was waiting. Waiting for Yibo to get closer, to mix their breaths that smelt like beer together, to feel how their noses touched shyly. Maybe he was waiting for his...

“Police! Hands up!” suddenly, two policemen broke into the restroom, pointing at the them with two guns that made Yibo and Xiao Zhan freeze in their spot. At the next second, Yibo raised his hands wondering what the fuck was happening outside, yet Xiao Zhan was too drunk to assimilate how dangerous that situation was.

“Yibo, you haven't told me this was also a costume party” he frowned, not really understanding those men were real policemen and those guns had real bullets.

“Shut the fuck up and raise your hands!” one of the policemen saved his gun and approached them.

“Zhan-ge, raise your hands, c'mon!” Yibo muttered to his friend who still believed that wasn't real. Then, the younger man was grabbed by the policeman to get out of the restroom rudely and the other one went to grab Xiao Zhan.

“Wow, you two act so well, guys” he commented with naïve voice and the policeman got angry with him.

“What don't you understand from shutting up and raising your hands up?!” after this, Xiao Zhan was grabbed too even harder than Yibo and when the latter saw that, he couldn’t help but try to excuse his friend.

“He’s drunk, don't hurt him either!” he shouted outside of the restroom, with the lights on, the music off and everyone standing against the wall with policemen everywhere.

“I won't repeat it! One word more and both are under arrest!” they were shouted again and dragged across the nightclub, that looked more now like a fiction set from a movie. Yibo looked around meanwhile, keeping an eye on Xiao Zhan, who still looked as not impressed, and also searching for Cao Wen and Lu. There were so many people around, some shouting, others complaining, police yelling orders and information. It was a mess and the only thing he could do was nothing. “Look at the wall with the hands over your head” the policeman finally dropped him and ordered that. Yibo put his hands on his head, but tried to look yet around to see where Xiao Zhan was and if his friends were also near. However, only that drunk man was dropped beside him.

“Against the wall and your hands on your head” the other policeman ordered and walked away. Then, Xiao Zhan turned around, not really wanting to do that and that made Yibo panic.

“Zhan-ge! Do what you've been told!” he muttered with worried eyes, yet Xiao Zhan was unable to get what was happening around him.

“What did he say?” he replied not even remembering it anymore and Yibo sighed, begging to have endless patience that night.

“Against the wall with your hands over your head, just like-“

“No! You only want to fuck me, I won't-“

“What are you saying?! Just do it!” Yibo raised a bit his voice because if Xiao Zhan didn’t do that, they would end up with handcuffs in the police station the whole night.

“Forming all of this just to have sex with me... Yibo, be ashamed of yourself” Xiao Zhan complained, not even making sense with what he was saying.

“Hey, you two!” suddenly, they were discovered talking and a different policeman approached. “Why aren't you against the wall with your hands up?” he asked way nicer than the other two men. Yet Yibo was panicking.

“Another... Why does everyone want to fuck me today?” suddenly, Xiao Zhan replied with that and even Yibo saw how the policeman frowned deeply.

“What the fuck are you saying?!” in the moment Yibo saw how Xiao Zhan was about to get into trouble, he was the one risking his own safety to protect him.

“Excuse him, agent! He's too drunk, please, don't mind him!” he begged with scared eyes. Somehow, the policeman sighed and got relaxed.

“Control him better if you don't want big problems” that man adviced Yibo and the latter nodded grateful for setting aside his gaze with Xiao Zhan. Right after, Yibo went to put those fluffy hands over his head even if his friend didn’t want and returned to his position.

“Agent, what's happening, though?” Yibo dared to ask that policeman because he saw he was way more docile than the rest of his mates.

“We can't say it. Wait for instructions” then, he left back with his team in order to continue his work. Once again alone, Xiao Zhan finally behaved for a while and they both remained in silence, hearing how people around were moving constantly, yet knowning nothing about what was going one there. Then, when a long time had gone by. He heard a small voice.

“Yibo...” Xiao Zhan called him with sleepy expression because the alcohol in his organism was starting to lose its effect. “I'm getting tired” he muttered with sad voice.

“Handle it a bit more, we will go very soon” he lied, though. He had no idea when they were going to be able to leave that place or even if they would be able to leave even. However, he needed to maintain Xiao Zhan calm.

“This isn't a joke, right?” he commented, glancing at Yibo guiltily. Finally, he was understanding how serious this situation was.

“No, it's not, so continue behaving, please” Yibo answered him with soft voice because it was his best way to make him follow his words. Then, Xiao Zhan nodded and looked down. Yet, no more than five minutes went by when that small voice came back.

“Yibo”

“What?”

“I'm scared” abruptly, he confessed with his gaze lowered and Yibo couldn’t avoid lowering his too.

“Me too” he replied, though, searching for his pupils to give him some courage to handle that. Also, tenderly, he rubbed his elbow against Xiao Zhan's and that made him smile in the middle of a nightclub that looked more like a prison at that moment. However, as long as he was safe, Yibo didn’t care about anything else.

Luckily, only a while more had to go by when a policeman approached them. “You two with me” then, Yibo moved his head to make Xiao Zhan go first and when he began to walk, he followed him, having the policeman behind them. Then, at the other side of the nightclub, the police had prepared a small room to frisk everyone there one by one. No wonder why they had been waiting there for so long.

“Put your arms in a cross” another agent spoke to them and even if Xiao Zhan glanced at him, they did it without a word. Then, two agents proceeded to frisk them exhaustively. Yibo felt two hands on every part of his body and by the fleeting glance he was doing to Xiao Zhan, his friend was feeling the same. Luckily, it lasted just a few seconds.

“They are clean” one of then said.

“Okay, follow me to take your information” another worker spoke and both followed him. Once there, they had to give him their Ids for name, residence, age, genre. They were checking even the last dot on it so that process was a bit longer. “Now, go with my mate” he pointed out another policeman with stuff that looked more proper from a laboratory. Slowly, they both walked to that part and sat on two chairs there.

“Now, you're going to do a breath test, blow this until I say it” the agent explained it to them and the first doing it was Yibo. He started to blow it until no more air was left in his lungs. “Stop” the man said finally and checked the test. “You’ve barely drunk” he pointed out.

“Nor even half of a beer like two hours ago” he clarified. Even if he had drank, his body had already metabolized the alcohol by how long he had had to wait.

“Now you” the man changed the mouthpiece and gave it to Xiao Zhan, who started to blow it with his eyes closed. When his face was already red, the man told him to stop, checking the number on it. “You’re in the limit, drink way less next time” he advised his friend. Somehow, Yibo thanked having had to wait two hours for that so the alcohol in Xiao Zhan's body started to disappear. Otherwise, it would have exploded by how drunk he was.

“If everything is correct, can we leave yet?” Yibo dared to ask and the man nodded.

“Yes, you can go” he allowed. Then, the two friends stood up to finally return home and sleep to forget that nightmare of day. Still, Yibo kept listening to the people there. “We’ve found seven grams of cocaine too” one of the agents showed a packet of drugs and they opened a bag to put it inside. So everything was about drugs after all. Luckily, none of his friends consummed drugs so when they went out and saw it was already day, Yibo found Cao Wen and Lu waiting for them in the middle of a mix of young people waiting for their friends inside and police going in and out of the nightclub. He waved his hand and Lu returned it, hugging each other when they were gathered again.

“Oh my god, guys. Are you both okay?” Lu asked them. Actually, due to the embrace, Yibo could feel how she was trembling, probably by the scare of it.

“Yes, yes. The worst was waiting, we're fine” he brushed her hair to calm her down. “And you?” he returned the question.

“I’m fine, I was outside when it happened so we were the first ones they checked” Lu explained with tired voice.

“I'm also fine, I tried to find you two, but it was impossible” Wen spoke up with eye bags from the tiredness.

“They had it completely controlled. I heard it was about drugs” Yibo explained to his friends as his arm was still around Lu's shoulders to make her be warmer due to the cold morning.

“Yeah, not only consuming, but also selling it. Seems one of the most searched dealer was here today” Wen also added details, showing how unfortunate they were by assisting to that party that day.

“I'm not going to go partying ever again” Lu complained with bothered voice and everyone laughed, but Xiao Zhan, who stayed there, not talking or reacting, just trying not to fall asleep in the middle of the street. So when Yibo noticed it, he separated from his girl friend to approach him.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” he asked Xiao Zhan with low voice. His friend nodded, it was impossible he could drive like that. So Yibo turned around to say goodbye. “Then, guys, I'm gonna go take this kid to his apartment” he spoke.

“Okay, I'll go as soon as my friends will return with the car” Lu said as just a mere fact to say goodbye.

“Good luck with that” Yibo retorted with a smile, yet it didn’t last too much because right after, his hand was grabbed by a soft one and he was dragged.

“We're leaving...” Xiao Zhan spoke lowly, not even caring about cutting the chat off like that. Yibo was startled for that at first, but after he just waved to his friends and followed him back to the car. After that, their two friends just looked at each other with two frustrated gazes.

“Do you think they will finally...?” Wen asked being doubtful about how they would end that night, yet Lu shook her head, sighing deeply because she really knew her friend.

“No, Bobo would never do that if he's drunk” she defended the values Yibo had and Wen could only agree with that.

“You know Xiao Zhan would do it, right?” suddenly, Wen confessed to Lu, who turned around as a spring.

“What do you mean?” she asked, wanting to know if the sudden thought of them being just two stupids who couldn’t talk the things properly was real.

“What I've said”

*****

“We're leaving...” that tired man spoke while grabbing Yibo's hand softly and dragging him to the parking. At first, Yibo looked at their hands, being startled by holding his hand like that, but after, he understood he was still drunk so the young man just normalized that touch as the alcohol fault. No matter if his hand held Xiao Zhan's tighter, he had to admit that wasn't what his senior wanted between them.

“Zhan-ge” hence, he called him, barely reaching the car to stop beside it. “Sleep during the path, I'll call you when we arrive” he changed his speech for just that and his friend nodded, releasing his hand to walk around the car and sit on the copilot seat. Then, Yibo did a fist with that warm hand and walked to enter the car beside Xiao Zhan, who was already asleep. He hadn't even put his seatbelt, that was why Yibo had to move over his friend to grab it. Then, when he turned his head, he found that beautiful man peacefully resting and Yibo remembered what had almost happened in the restroom before the police had interrupted them. He had totally forgotten about that due to the adrenaline that situation caused in his body. Just thinking their lips didn’t touch for less than an inch made him fasten his seatbelt and return to his spot to do the same with his. Then, he started to drive.

At that moment, his head was completely filled with the image of a helpless man that was waiting for that without a single complain. Yibo wondered why. Was it the alcohol? Was it Xiao Zhan himself? None of them had ever mentioned it. Then, Yibo looked at a side understanding it wasn't a moment to talk either. He sighed. His mind was going to collapse if he continued wondering why Xiao Zhan had had such a behaviour that night. He had been so odd, so rude, so out of himself. Yibo could even said in the moment he drank, he became other person. That was why none of them let him drink or he always ended up having trouble somewhere. But after all, Yibo knew better than anyone else that version of Xiao Zhan was his unrestrained self. All the things his friend controlled as being his usual self with full conscious stopped being blocked inside of him. It was as if Xiao Zhan lived in a jail constantly for some reason and alcohol was the only key to open it and free himself.

Hence, Yibo didn’t let him do that. After, Xiao Zhan always kept a few days being silent if he ended up doing or saying something he didn’t want being clean. He really suffered in silence and Yibo had never known too well how to help him properly, so his only source was not letting him drink. Yet that night, exactly that night he had drunk as just a few times, telling even to a policeman he didn’t want to fuck with him. Yibo really doubted Xiao Zhan was going to be okay in the following days. And somehow he could only blame himself for allowing that to happen. No matter if Yibo knew Xiao Zhan was old enough to be treated like a kid, somehow he did want to protect him from time to time. Mainly, because his friend had showed him multiple times he didn’t really understand what loving himself meant.

That was why, when they arrived, Yibo gazed at that sleepy man beside him. He was so exposed, so helpless, so weak like that he couldn't help but touch his cheek softly. “Zhan-ge, we've arrived” he spoke lowly beside him not to scare him. Not really recovering his consciousness completely, his friend opened his eyes, looking around because he didn’t know where they were. “Can you walk?” he asked to be sure.

“I... I don't know” he spoke difficultly because of the tiredness in him.

“Don't worry, I'll help you” Yibo told him before turning off the car and going out of it. He surrounded the car and opened the other door to help him to stand up. Xiao Zhan leaned on his shoulders with his arm and waited for Yibo, who was locking it. Once it was done, the younger man grabbed his waist to improve his steps. Slowly, they approached the building where Xiao Zhan was living alone thanks to the money he was getting from the college. Once inside, they arrived to the elevator and silence filled it as the whole path. It was better if they didn’t say anything else for that day. Probably that was what both preferred. So finally being in front of the door, Yibo opened it with the keys he had gotten from the pocket of his jacket.

He had been there several times so it wasn't like that place was unknown for him. They removed the shoes right after coming inside and walked through the apartment to reach the bed. Actually, that looked more like a studio. The living room, kitchen and bedroom was all one, only having the bathroom separated from the rest. That was why he dropped that man on the mattress, so he would sit. Yibo didn’t doubt in starting to remove his clothes as his jacket or T-shirt. None of them cared too much as they had done this many times before. Then, Xiao Zhan lay down and Yibo removed his trousers and socks, leaving all the clothes pilled up beside the bed. After, he covered him with a blanket.

“Yibo...” Xiao Zhan called him before he would go. His friend sat on the edge to listen to him. “Thank you for everything...” he spoke that, moving a knife inside Yibo accidentally.

“No need to thank me, you know that” no matter if his reply was spoken softly with calm eyes and weak smile, Yibo knew grateful words coming from Xiao Zhan marked the limit they were. Just friends. “Sleep. I'll return to the residence” he informed him before standing up, but suddenly a hand held his.

“You can sleep here” Xiao Zhan offered him, showing eyes that he didn’t want him to leave. And even if Yibo saw that, he knew he had to go.

“You only have a sofa that kills backs and the bed is for you. Don't worry, you chose a place near the residence” he rejected the idea, what made their hands drop each other unwillingly. “Also, remember my offer to have sex is still available, who knows what would happen if I sleep here” he tried to use that as a way to scare Xiao Zhan. However, sometimes his plans were broken.

“We both know that's a joke” he spoke that so serious that finally he understood all the time Yibo had proposed that with him, Xiao Zhan had just seen that as a joke. He was a joke.

“True... A joke...” the bitterness in his voice made him realize he needed a second to control the pain inside of his heart. That was why he went to grab the clothes and took them to the bathroom, where the washing machine was, so he filled it with all of that. Then, he stopped a moment to wash his face and calm down. He didn’t want to burst, not that night, not with Xiao Zhan half drunk. He knew that would ruin everything. Hence, he took more than a brief while and pretending he was also using the bathroom, he pressed the button, making the water sound. Once he returned outside, he found a sleeping man on that bed. His mouth was slightly opened, confirming he couldn’t keep awake for longer.

Then, he approached and placed his hand over Xiao Zhan's, feeling it warm and soft. Suddenly, the image of the restroom came to his mind and those fleshy lips called him again. Yibo knew he could do it if he wanted. He knew probably Xiao Zhan wouldn’t even feel it. That was why he approached him and their noses met slightly. However, he froze there, wondering what he would really win if he tasted those lips. Long nights recalling how that felt like? The desire to do it again? At least, now he didn’t know the feeling of a kiss between them, so the best was remaining as always, so nothing would change in their friendship. “Rest well, Zhan-ge” he whispered and kissed him on his temple, showing his real feelings with that. His love was more than just pure attraction and desire.

So after that, he turned around after confirming he hadn't woken him up and left that place, closing the door behind him. That apartment was left alone, but only that man on the bed sleeping. Yet suddenly, he bit his lower lip and opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling. Slowly, a tear crossed his temple, making him realize what he was doing. That was why he cuddled up on the bed, hiding his face to sob in silence, while just one thought was trying to break his sanity.

“Why do we have to be just friends?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.
> 
> ~~**EXPLANATION::** actually, this one-shot ends like this, not really happy. But while I was writing, I thought about a way to continue it. However, I want to know your opinion first, so let me know in the comments if I should continue it!~~


	2. Restrained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I really wanted to continue and you told me to do it, I'll turn this one-shot into a chaptered one. Because it's ongoing, not really knowing where I want to go, the tags, rating and warning are likely to change in the process, be aware. Also, I may take a while with each chapter, however they will be pretty long. Hope you like it!

He looked at the ceiling of the room in his residence where he was living while he was doing his degree because his city was so far away. His hands were under his head, legs stretched completely relaxed on the mattress of his bed. He was alone, although his bedroom was shared with another man, who he had met that year. Yibo was enjoying the loneliness while thinking about if he should call Xiao Zhan or not. They hadn't seen each other since the day of the nightclub incident. He didn’t even have a text saying how he was; Yibo hadn't sent one asking his friend if he was okay after such drunkness state. He didn’t dare. Every time his fingers were going to tap a message, the moment in the bathroom came back to his mind over and over again, making him wonder what would have happened if the police hadn't arrived. Would they have kissed? Would he have finally confessed? He wasn't sure. Xiao Zhan was so drunk, so Yibo was convinced it was alcohol's fault. After two years filled with rejections from his friend, he had no doubt Xiao Zhan just saw him as a friend. Yet what would Xiao Zhan have done after a kiss? What would he have thought? Yibo couldn’t guess it. He couldn’t. That was why he was afraid of meeting him again, because now that desire of ending what he started that day was unbearable inside.

Slowly, he turned around on his bed, looking this time at the wall and cuddling up. Being this undecided and lost made him feel sick. He didn’t really want to go classes so if he skipped the last one in the afternoon, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Hence, he remained there, thinking about Xiao Zhan, about how he needed to see him, how he wanted to talk again with him, to have fun together. He was missing him already and only three days had passed. It would be easier if he could be brave and send that message. However, his hand was only able to grab his phone and look at its dark screen. Sometimes he pressed the button to turn it on and see the hour. To see the time going by as he was there just thinking about that man. That was why he reached a point when he realized how stupid he was being by losing his time in doing nothing. So he placed the phone on the bed and stood up to go at the canteen to eat something.

Suddenly, behind him his phone sounded and Yibo turned around to see who was this time. Once his eyes read the owner of that message, his whole being froze and his eyes kept reading it. Somehow, he forgot how to even understand his own language.

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_Hi! I've just done a lesson for your class, but you weren't there. Are you okay?_

**From::** Wang Yibo

_I’m fine, I just didn’t feel like going._

His answer was instant, sincere, straightforward. Even cold somehow. For a second, Yibo wondered if that would make Xiao Zhan worry about him even more. Not showing his usual self would just tell his friend he wasn't okay and something was going on in his mind, yet he couldn’t be so fake. At least not constantly.

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_Where are you, then? Can we meet? I want to see your “don’t feel like going” in person._

**From::** Wang Yibo

_In my room. I was going to head to the canteen. See you there in 5 minutes?_

He decided to face Xiao Zhan as he would have done if nothing had happened and pretending to look as always. Just a guy who liked to look rebel and playful. That was his best version to bear his feelings when Xiao Zhan was near. His only shield not to be hurt. Although lately, that shield started to be so old and filled with holes.

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_Perfect. See you then._

He agreed simply and that just made Yibo be more nervous for going to see him again. Usually he had been able to maintain all inside of him hidden and calm. However, lately it was becoming harder and harder. He couldn’t understand even why. It was just happening without previous warning. And the world seemed a bit more complicated for him. He was constantly in a bubble of thoughts about that man who was just called as his best friend. He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t study or pay attention to other when they were talking. And all was because he was wondering what Xiao Zhan was doing or how much he wanted to see him. But after, when he thought about doing that, the fact they were just friends made him want to break ties and stop whole evenings beside his side just being that. Friends. However, he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose him even if he had never had him.

Hence, repeating the same process that day, he took his stuff and locked his room to head to the canteen and meet him. The path through those hallways, full of people, returning to their rooms or having a relaxing time with their friends felt long and short at the same time. He wanted to arrive as soon as possible, yet a part of himself wasn't that ready to face him after that night. What happened in the bathroom, what happened in his apartment. He wasn't brave as always to end it. That was why he had to accept the consequences of meeting Xiao Zhan and do like nothing happened because Yibo was sure his friend wouldn’t even mention it. Of course he wouldn’t, it wasn't important for him.

Due to this thought, he sighed before coming inside of the canteen and looked around to see if Xiao Zhan was somewhere to be seen. Then, he spotted him already sitting on a table beside the big window that allowed the natural light illuminate great part of the room. Yibo decided to approach the vending machine to buy a Monster before walking towards the table. He saw he was drinking a bubble tea and that made him grin sweetly. That was why his mood improved slightly and his hand shook his hair by behind to surprise him.

“What's up, bro?” he said with cheerful voice as if he was completely fine, so that along with the hasty touch on his head shocked Xiao Zhan, who turned around to see what was happening and remained observing how Yibo left the can on the table to sit in front of him.

“I see you perfectly to go to class, though” he raised an eyebrow and drank a bit of his bubble tea from the straw. Yibo, instead, opened the can with both hands and took a sip of it before talking.

“Missing a class isn't that bad. I'm not always focused enough” he complained, not giving it importance and wanting to change subject soon or Xiao Zhan would start with his motivational speechs Yibo hated so much.

“But I was there” instead, his friend retorted, what made the younger man be shocked for a second.

“I didn’t know that” he excused himself with actually the truth. Indeed, Yibo had never missed any of the lessons Xiao Zhan did, but that was because his friend had always warned him. However, this time he hadn't, what made him wonder if he had just forgotten or he didn’t say it because of other reason. So he chose to believe in his friend.

“Also, you're confesing you didn’t want to go to your teacher, do you realize?” Xiao Zhan spoke calmly.

“You’re not my teacher” however, Yibo didn’t get nervous because in the end he wasn't.

“Then, what am I?” he asked back, leaning on the table and showing his interest in that chat where both got heated up just to be right.

“You're a student who's helping the actual teacher by doing your practices for your master degree” Yibo explained hitting the reality firmly and concise, so much Xiao Zhan couldn’t say otherwise.

“Yet your actual teacher consults with us your progress, so if I want, I can tell her this and let's see if she's happy with you” Xiao Zhan showed a despicable grin that froze Yibo. The latter understood he had lost so he raised his hands in peace sign and sighed.

“Okay, okay. Don't do that, please” he asked as a favour. “I really needed time for myself, that's all” he confessed, this time for real, and Xiao Zhan got serious too.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked, being worried by him. Hence, Yibo smiled slightly, a bitter glimpse in it.

“No. Just a weird day, you know” he nodded, to give confidence to Xiao Zhan, who accepted to believe in that.

“If you have a problem, you know I'm here” suddenly, that man in front of him with a straw in his mouth spoke that and Yibo lost the consciousness for a second to return it right after and show a tender smile.

“I know” he drank more from the can and looked down after placing it on the table again. He felt embarrassed, yet he didn’t want Xiao Zhan to notice that so his mood needed to change. The ambient had to change. And the only thing that his brain could think about fast was teasing him as always. “I didn’t expect less after having saved your ass the other night” Yibo brough that subject up, the one he wanted to bury completely, and felt as stupid as never before.

“I’ve already thanked you for that” indeed, that man lowered his head because of the shame in him for what he did that night. So Yibo couldn’t handle his desire to tease him endlessly.

“Isn’t just a thank you poor?” Yibo complained while raising his eyesbrow and inviting Xiao Zhan to start another discussion to spend the time together as always.

“What else do you want?” his friend chuckled amazed that actually Yibo could be asking something in exchange for having saved him that night. And indeed, Yibo was able to do that.

“A gift” then, the younger man had an idea. An idea he was going to hate, to regret. But he couldn’t handle the doubt in him to know how it was, how it feel. He knew it would be his perdition, his point of no return, but his mind was too impulsive sometimes.

“I’m scared of your gifts...” Xiao Zhan showed a suffering grimace and ended his bubble tea.

“Don't worry, it's just a kiss” he offered with a smirk and soft eyes of challenge. Then, this gaze observed how Xiao Zhan panicked for a second, yet he managed to chuckle at the next instant.

“What are you saying?”

“What you're hearing. I want a kiss for having helped you” Yibo continued, convinced of what he was doing, no matter if that was the worst choice he could choose between them. He needed to know how those lips tasted. How tender they were against his.. How lovely Xiao Zhan could be if he trapped that mole under his lower lip. He couldn't control that.

“You should stop helping people if after you ask for it back” Xiao Zhan stood up with his empty drink in his hand, so Yibo stood up to follow him through the canteen.

“At that moment, I didn’t do it to gain something after. But now that I think of it, I'm always the one who bears you when you drink too much” Yibo explained with a grin. At the next second, he got a glance from his friend, not knowing if he was talking seriously or Yibo was just joking.

“Okay, but why a kiss? Why cannot it be a lunch or a new skate? I would buy it” he stopped in front of the trash bin to throw the empty plastic cup and turned to Yibo, who drank the rest in his can and took advantage of being beside the trash.

“I can buy that myself, but I can't buy a kiss from you” once again he was being too honest and straightforward that when he realized his own words, he looked at his friend kind of panicking just in case he had been too obvious with that. However, Xiao Zhan was looking away with trouble face. Then, Yibo wondered maybe he was pushing his friend too much to do something he didn’t want. “You know? It was a joke, you're always rejecting my date offers-“

“Yibo, understand it, we're friends. And friends aren't supposed to kiss each other” then, it was when another rejection from Xiao Zhan arrived to Yibo and for a moment it hurt, but right after, he was too used already, so his smile made his friend not feel that bad for saying no again.

“I know, I know. You're too traditional” he joked to light up the ambient a bit. And indeed, he got to bother Xiao Zhan enough to provoke such a nice reaction.

“I’m not traditional” he smiled along with this sentence and raised his hand to punch him, yet someone beside them interrupted the incoming fight.

“Guys! Violence is forbidden!” suddenly, a man they both knew appeared beside and put his arm around Xiao Zhan's shoulders because they were mates. He was called Zhong Wei and his strong complexion added to a too high height made him be even bigger than Xiao Zhan. Always well dressed and polite, he was the perfect gentleman in the college.

“Wei bro, what are you doing around?” Xiao Zhan asked while looking at his side, ending up being too close to Zhong Wei, but not even showing a minimum sign of discomfort between them. So maybe he was right and aside of him just being straight, he just treated his friends as just friends.

“Today there's party in Chen Yanwei's room. Are you both in?” he asked with a smirk. “Alcohol, music, it's gonna be fun” he sold that as the perfect reason to break the rules of the college, no parties, no alcohol in rooms, no music after nine o'clock. Yet that sounded as what he needed.

“I’m in” Yibo said not even waiting to know if Xiao Zhan would accept it too. He had always answered after him, just doing what his friend did, going where he went. However, the constant rejections, even if he searched for them, were making him want to set a bit of space between of them.

“Great! And you, Xiao Zhan? Cao Wen is coming too” he tried to convince saying one of his best friends was going to assist too. That was why Xiao Zhan nodded as being immersed in his thoughts and then, he raised his head to give his answer.

“Okay, I'll go too” he accepted with a smile and Zhong Wei celebrated it with patting their shoulders at the same time.

“I knew I could count on you” he flattered them. “Then, Chen's room at nine. Don't be late” the tall man said the place and time before leaving. Right after, Yibo looked at Xiao Zhan and raised an eyebrow.

“Do not drink even a bit of alcohol this time, please” he begged to his friend and the latter chuckled.

“No, just in case we are found out and we have to run like last time” he remembered amusedly and Yibo looked ashamedly. Last time they did something like that, a teacher found them and everyone had to escape with masks they had ready just in case that would happen so the teacher wouldn't know who they were. However, Yibo forgot his and he had to run while covering with his hands.

“Don’t make me remember that, please” he sighed, being still embarrassed of that because in the end, the whole residence ended up knowing that the guy running through the campus while covering his face had been Yibo.

“This time they will have another plan for sure” Xiao Zhan retorted, being sure they knew how they came in, but not how they came out.

“Yeah, each party they are more original. Tonight it will be jumping through the window like the ninja turtles” he joked bitterly because sometimes their ideas lacked coherence and that made Xiao Zhan laugh.

“I wouldn’t discard it” he agreed and Yibo couldn’t help but show a soft grin. “So I have stuff to do, I'll see you tonight, okay?” Xiao Zhan, suddenly, bade farewell, cutting that chat too abruptly. However, Yibo didn’t say a word about that and nodded.

“See you there” he answered back and saw how Xiao Zhan left the canteen, while he just wondered if that party was going to be fun. He knew the type of games they were used to do so for a second, he regretted having accepted if Xiao Zhan was there. Yet it was done, so he had to go. Hence, he sighed and returned to the bedroom walking around for a while with his earphones on to see if a bit of music will help him to disconnect from the real world. However, not taking longer than ten minutes, an older girl tickled his waist by behind and Yibo turned around in a scare to see what was happening, just finding Qian Lu there with a naughty smile.

“Bobo! You weren't hearing me!” she said happily as Yibo removed the earphones breathing deeply after the scare.

“Not a reason to try to kill me” he complained, touching his chest being a victim there. She laughed and hit his arm.

“Exaggerating!” Lulu retorted with fake unimportance. “Also, I heard Chen's going to do a party...” she whispered near him with shiny eyes and Yibo looked around to drag her to a more private hallway.

“How did you find out?” he asked worried that it would reach too many people's ears.

“I found Xiao Zhan five minutes ago and he told me” she chuckled, just being as simple as that. Yet Yibo wondered why he had told her. “Can I go too, Bobo?” she approached him until pouting right in front of him, raising her round eyes with just a bit of make-up on her eyelashes.

“It's better if you don't” he denied it while brushing her hair. “It’s all boys and I don't want them to constantly try to hit on you” he explained, knowing they had tried more times to take girls with them, but the usual men who were in heat just searched them for the whole night making them leave before time, so he didn’t want that for Lulu.

“Indeed... That's disgusting...” she replied with frustrated face and leaned her head on his chest. “Thank you, Bobo... For always thinking about me” suddenly, she said that out of the blue and Yibo looked down, being surprised for that. However, his arms hugged her, kind of needing that himself too and she returned it gladly.

“Of course, I do” he muttered, realizing how Lulu was the sister he never had and he found in his life. Then, having the feeling being mutual, she smiled and kissed his soft cheek as lovely gesture between them. He grinned by how open she had always been and suddenly, he realized he had felt nothing when she kissed him, hence a doubt crossed his mind.

“Lulu, if you kiss a friend, do you feel something?” he asked without any further explanation and she frowned.

“Well, if we are good friends, I don't. But if I or my friend have feelings for the other and we kiss, of course I would” she explained the best she could, not digging into the reason why he was asking that. Mainly because she already knew.

“So it's okay for you to give a simple kiss to a friend?” Yibo continued his doubts, trusting her fully.

“Of course, do you want to try it?” she offered with a smile, showing she was saying the truth. Hence, Yibo widened his eyes, he never thought Lulu would offer a kiss betwen them even if both were non-related siblings.

“I need to know the difference” he excused himself not to look as taking advantage of her niceness, still she sighed.

“Come here” without thinking, she grabbed his both cheeks and pressed their two pair of lips together. Yibo closed his eyes to focus on what he was feeling for kissing a just friend. That was why none of them saw how a man turned the corner to walk through that empty hallway, but stopping right after finding them kissing and took a photo of them before Yibo and Lulu would end it. “What did you feel?” she spoke right after ending it. Still, the man in front of her frowned, not really understanding that.

“I felt nothing” he looked back at his friend and she nodded, separating a bit already.

“I told you. Even if two real friends kiss, they will feel nothing” she repeated. “Now tell me, why do you ask this? Have you kissed him?” she smirked, but erased it when he saw Yibo panicking.

“No! No... It's not that...” he leaned on the wall and sighed. “We almost did it in the restroom that day and he seemed as wanting. Today I asked him and he said no. I don't know what to think” Yibo rubbed his eyes, not understanding Xiao Zhan lately, not understanding what he had just done with Lulu because that just gave him more doubts about him.

“That’s your problem” suddenly, she spoke. “You don't act, just ask and of course you won't get too much with that!” she said as being pretty obvious. “What you have to do is kissing him straight, don't wait for permission, Bobo” she scolded him finally to see if her friend saw what his mistake was.

“But...” Yibo looked down, being unsure of how safe that could be. Because if after all Xiao Zhan didn’t want, he would be even more mad than just asking. Everything could be considered as just his own fears. What if he did that and Xiao Zhan decided to break ties with him? He had always been asking being hopeful one day he would hear a yes. However, the more he waited, the more amount of no's he got. So he wasn't sure if the next step was correct or not.

“Also, weren't you going to give up? Why now you're even thinking of kissing him?” she has always been too smart for romantic affairs so Yibo grinned, agreeing with her question. That night he accepted to give up on Xiao Zhan, but being that close to get what he had been yearning for two years made him be unable to throw the towel away. That would be like throwing away all his effort and time as well in those years he had been trying.

“If I have to give up, I want to do it when I can't do anything else” he spoke seriously and his friend stayed in silence for a second, probably being surprised by such an answer. Yet, right after she covered her mouth while smiling.

“You’re so romantic sometimes I'm even frustrated” she got flushed indeed. So Yibo asked her why. “I’ve been wanting a guy who would treat me as you treat Xiao Zhan for so long, so seeing how he rejects you makes me want to really punch his face” she chuckled ashamed for that. However, Yibo approached and tapped her head softly.

“You will get what you deserve anytime soon, I'm sure” he spoke tenderly while looking into her eyes. “Don’t fall in love just because a guy treats you well, but because you feel here” his hand went to his chest “what you've never felt in your life” his voice ended up muttering that advice, really knowing that strange feeling of pressure inside his torso. How he couldn’t breathe even if he thought about him.

“Yibo...” somehow, she was so startled she even said his full name. Her eyes became sadder by watching his friend, so Yibo smiled, pretending once more to be fine.

“I have to go. I will tell you how the party was tomorrow” he said goodbye before she would feel pitier for him.

“Okay, don't drink too much and cover your face properly” she joked about last time and Yibo turned around, knowing she wanted to laugh for a while. “Don’t get angry!” Lulu laughed even harder and Yibo just raised a hand to say goodbye again, leaving her laughing alone. And even if that cheered him up, still his amusement disappeared right after turning the corner and returning to his bedroom. Her words were stuck in his brain.

No matter if he treated Xiao Zhan as the best man in the Earth, if Xiao Zhan didn’t want to feel something more than friends for him, he couldn’t force him to. He couldn’t do anything else. He had to give up. Yet he was unable to do that until he would feel Xiao Zhan's rejection completely, what he didn’t feel that night in the restroom. However, he had no idea if it had been the alcohol's effect. That was why he wanted to try it for last time, with Xiao Zhan being 100% clean and awake. Without words, without questions, without the obstacles they had always added to their messed friendship. Yibo was sure about doing that, but not that sure about being able to accomplish it in the end. It had to be sporadic, a situation where he couldn't think about it twice. He needed not to think for first time with Xiao Zhan to make it happen and get his answer finally.

So decided to work on it that night, he took a shower before and changed clothes, even if he was continuing wearing something simple and casual as a pair of broken trousers and a green sweater to keep warm. He looked into the mirror and tried to brush his wild hair in a cool way towards a side. Then, he put two earrings in his left ear and a necklace of a star around his neck. In the moment he was ready, a man came into the bedroom and found him there closing his wardrobe. That person was Gao Qi, his roomate for a few months already. They were still knowing each other, but getting along well. Gao Qi was just twenty years old, with a vivid personality. Shorter and thinner than Yibo, he was still being a busy guy with girls, so it wasn't weird to ask him for privacy some nights. So he knew about those days just by glacing at his expression of going to ask something.

“Yibo! My beloved friend...” suddenly, he embraced his shoulders and even before letting him continue his useless speech to get nicer, Yibo decided to get to the main point or he would be late.

“Tell me the hour I can go back” Yibo set himself free from the grip to grab his stuff and place them into his sweater pockets.

“The morning?” suddenly, his friend showed a troubled expression, but Yibo's was more characterized by the surprise.

“And where do I sleep?!” he asked, denying to be unable to return to his bedroom until morning. He could bear a few hours, but not the whole night.

“You have so many friends! You can ask them to adopt you for a night!” Gao Qi begged him with puppy eyes. Yet Yibo wasn't even sure who would accept such a thing.

“Just because you want to fuck, am I now homeless?” the older roommate asked with unbelievable voice.

“Basically?” Gao asked. “Yes” he answered himself and even if Yibo wanted to complain, his friend started to drag him outside of the room. Instead, the tall man didn’t want to and try to stay, handling two hands that were touching anywhere.

“Look where you touch, moron!” he exclaimed, being ticklish and losing his balance in the end, finally stepping out of the bedroom between harsh breaths due to the strength. Then, the two friends looked at each other and Yibo found Qi shaking his keys with a triumphant smile.

“See you tomorrow” he spoke and closed the door before Yibo would run to try to open it, just hearing how he locked it from the inside so it was useless to continue hitting it. He was just calling the attention to everyone around and the least thing he wanted was someone calling a teacher or worse, the security of the college.

“You will pay for this!” he shouted before walking away, being so angry with him. He had been kicked out of his own room, where he had everything. Yibo just hoped the party would have enough alcohol to make them all end up so drunk that they would fall asleep in the room. Otherwise, he would have a problem. He could tell Lulu, but she lived in the residence with another girl she didn’t know. Also, he had Cao Wen, but he lived with his girlfriend already so he didn’t want to disturb. Then, he had Xiao Zhan... He could ask him. Yibo was sure he wouldn’t say no, but at the same time, he wondered if that would be a good idea. After all what happened, he didn’t feel too comfortable being alone with Xiao Zhan anymore in the same room.

That was why he didn’t decide what he was going to do and just went to the clandestine party. He reached Chen's room and knocked three times, a brief stop and then other three as signal he was one of the invited ones. They started to do that when once they opened the door to a teacher and they were caught. So verifying he could enter, the owner of the room, Chen Yanwei, greeted him with with a satisfied smile. Chen was a famous guy for his parties, not only in rooms, but also with women and in nightclubs. He was also a DJ and his outgoing behaviour made him the perfect host. He had shaved head unless the upper part what was very long, a piercing in his nose and tattoos covering his both arms. Instead, he was wearing a green shirt and trousers.

“What’s up, bro?” Chen patted his shoulder and Yibo sighed, coming inside the room with already Chen’s roommate, Wang Tao, Cao Wen talking with Zhong Wei, plus three more boys Yibo knew by sight from being in his friends' circle. Yet Xiao Zhan was missing.

“What’s up?” Yibo answered, retuning the pat and saw how two guys were over Wang's bed, Chen sat on his bed and the rest were sitting in a circle on the floor, having all the alcohol in the middle like beers, vodka or even a bottle of what he had no idea of what it was. Hence, he decided to sit beside Cao Wen, who stopped talking with Zhong to began a new chat.

“Where's Zhanzhan? I thought you two would come together” their friend asked frowning by that weird fact. Indeed, during two years, wherever one went, the other went too. They always met before the rest to spend time together. They always showed up together. Yet that was the first time he hadn’t thought about telling him to meet a while before or he hadn't received a text of Xiao Zhan asking for it. For a second, Yibo remained in silence, not even knowing what words he could say to that question.

“He had stuff to do” that was the only thing he knew it was true so he went along with it for seeming that everything was okay between them; when they were clearly not behaving like always. Yibo not only felt Xiao Zhan odd beside him, but also he felt himself too cold and overwhelmed if his friend was near him. Maybe, his mind was reaching a point of collapse by handling daily desires and longings that would never come true.

“But do you know if he will arrive soon or we can go starting this without him?” Zhong asked him, thinking the same as everyone else there. Yibo must know that information. But the reality was he didn’t know what he was doing or where he was. He didn’t know anything about Xiao Zhan that week and fleetingly, his brain got worried.

“I don't know” once Yibo said this, the whole room got quieter, no one dared to talk after hearing he didn’t know something about Xiao Zhan. Indeed, it was the first time Yibo didn’t know something about him.

“Have you argued or something alike?” Chen asked him with seriously expression and every man there listened carefully to his answer. Yibo looked around, not understanding why they were reacting in such a way, yet he decided to answer.

“No, we are fine” his voice was lower than before, being even scared of what was happening in that room. Until then, no one had ever asked for them, being interested in their relationship.

“Answer me a question because I've always wondered something” one of the boys he didn’t really know sat on the floor beside him to be closer for asking that, yet Yibo got tense and moved slightly to a side. “Are Xiao Zhan and you more than friends?”

“The whole campus wonders that!” Zhong exclaimed right after his question while laughing and some men there followed him. However, the person asking shook his hand as sign to shut up.

“Let him answer!” other boy on the bed complained. Then, Yibo knew it was his turn to talk because he had seven pairs of eyes on him.

“We...” he got tense for a second. He had two options, to follow his real self and exposing the reality or to do what he had been doing for two years, lying by saying they were going out. And indeed, telling the lie was easier than telling the truth. “In fact, we are” he showed a satisfied expression quickly to cover his previous doubts and all he saw was Cao Wen shaking his head and looking aside because he knew he was lying again. The rest of men there reacted widening their eyes, laughing or just simply remaining in silence by the shock.

“Since when?!” who asked the question continued.

“Well, the exact time... I can't really tell when we started, though...”

“C’mon, the whole campus wonders it!” suddenly, one of them said that and Yibo couldn’t maintain his fake expression anymore. What did that mean?

“The whole...”

“Of course! You are a BL for the girls so they asked us to get closer to both for knowing details about your relationship and tell them after” that explanation came like a glass of cold water over his head. Why did he never realize that? Had he been so focused on Xiao Zhan not to even notice everyone was talking about them? How could that be? What was more important, how could that affect Xiao Zhan?

“But-“ when he was going to retort, the code was knocked on the door, so Chen went to open it, Xiao Zhan appearing in the threshold with a smile. In the moment Yibo glanced at him, his eyes couldn't detach from that natural beauty he was so in love with. Meanwhile, Xiao Zhan greeted everyone there and noticed Yibo was again mesmerized by him. Hence, his hand touched his hair as their personal greeting and somehow, that made the lie Yibo had told before be more realistic under everyone's eyes there. Not for Cao Wen and Zhong Wei, though.

“Xiao Zhan!” one of the boys called him, probably to corroborate the story and Yibo lowered his gaze, not wanting to know more about the subject, because he knew perfectly Xiao Zhan's answer. “Is it true that Yibo and you are going out? He has just said-“

“Wang Yibo!” his friend turned around like a spring with a mix of amusement and anger. “Again?!” Yibo dared to look at him with a naughty smile and dodged the hit when Xiao Zhan went to punch him. He didn’t say anything, but everyone there, who didn’t know the truth, were perplexed by that reaction. “We're friends, stop saying otherwise to everyone around!” even if he had risen his voice to scold him, his smile was wild on his face, so actually none of those men could be sure if he was angry.

“Wait, then, are you going out or not?” the person who asked previously about them got confused and even before Yibo could laugh, Xiao Zhan was already replying with amazed voice.

“We’re just friends!” that was when Yibo grinned while shaking his head, no matter if the boys there were kind of bothered because he indeed had lied to them. Meanwhile, that tall man sat beside him, still with a smile nobody really understood.

“And why do you go saying you are?” they complained to Yibo, who was just looking at the person he had by his side with softness filling the ambient between them.

“Because we are, it's just that he doesn’t know it yet” Yibo retorted with a restrained smile, watching how Xiao Zhan just chuckled embarrassed by his side. No matter if his eyes had never left his friend, the latter could only look down, as if he was liking those comments. Hence, Yibo had never stopped doing them, still if Xiao Zhan refused it with just friends. Not even once he had said it seriously.

So because after his reply and their smiles, everyone there kept feeling uncomfortable as watching something they shouldn’t, Zhong Wei decided it was moment to move on. “Okay, okay, stop flirting you two” he scolded them unashamedly. “Yanwei and I thought about a game and a way to escape if we are discovered” he started to explain and everyone there got pale right after hearing way to escape. Especially Yibo, who lowered his gaze with frustration while Xiao Zhan glanced at him amusingly.

“The way to escape is so easy this time. Just hide around” right after this was said by Chen, the seven men there widened their eyes and looked around, trying to see if that was actually possible. “We’re nine. One behind the closet, two in the closet, two under each bed and Tao and I in the bed as sleeping. It's perfect so nobody has to run while covering his face” he finished that explanation while looking at Yibo, bringing up how he messed up the last time.

“Go to hell, Chen” Yibo retorted with a fake smile and Yanwei received it gladly.

“And the game it's simple” Zhong proceeded while grabbing a bottle of beer he had already drunk. “Shot or kiss” he smirked. However everyone there started to complain badly.

“Why do we have to kiss between us? We're straight!” one of them exclaimed really bothered by that.

“Oh, then, take a shot of this precious bottle of vodka” Zhong didn’t even care they were complaining. “Exactly because I want you all so drunk you can't even recognize your mothers, I chose kissing as choice because I know you all- Well, almost you all are straight” he excused Yibo in that group and the latter clicked his tongue.

“Not because I'm gay I like going kissing anyone” he complained with angry voice. Zhong nodded as not caring about that fact and Yibo only sighed and looked away, finding by accident Xiao Zhan whose gaze was staring at him shocked. Then, he remembered his words and how many times he had asked for a kiss to him. They both looked away at the next second, as if the tacit understanding of what had just happened was mutual. And at that moment Yibo wondered if indeed Xiao Zhan felt something for him.

“This is the game, if you accept, then sit in the circle, if you don't, the door is there” Zhong was that type of guy who liked the things clear and fast so maybe because of that, no one else said anything else and the nine men formed a circle on the floor, with the bottle in the middle. “First, the bottle chooses two people. If both agree, they kiss. If one wants kiss, but the other no, the latter drinks a shot and the other doesn't have to. If both oppose, both drink. Easy” right after explaining the rules, he spinned the bottle hashly and it marked everyone several times in fast speed. At that moment, all of them looked tense and more when it started to stop. When it did, it was pointing out to one of the boys he didn’t know. Then, it was spinned again and it pointed out to Yanwei. The latter was willing to kiss, but the boy refused and took a shot.

“No one is going to actually kiss...” one of them said and Zhong smirked.

“Wait and see” he moved the bottle again, this time stopping on Tao. Right after, it pointed at Zhong himself. Tao refused it right after no matter if the other was willing to kiss so he drank. This process was repeated a few times more. Two of the boys, Cao Wen and Tao, Chen and Yibo. Every time, one of them drank, not wanting to kiss even if in some pairs, one was willing. Then, the bottle got interesting when finally it pointed at Xiao Zhan, who hadn't participated yet, and after Cao Wen was chosen.

“I want to kiss” suddenly, Xiao Zhan chose and Yibo looked at him nervously. Indeed, he understood with just three shots, he wouldn’t be able to stand on his feet, but it's the same person who had repeated _I don't kiss my friends_ for two years, so inside of him, when Cao Wen smirked and said he wanted a kiss too, Yibo panicked, not really understanding Xiao Zhan's limits. However, he remained in silence, just watching how both stood up and approached. Yet they were interrupted by Zhong.

“Not a peck. I want a KISS” he specified properly and even if Cao Wen rolled his eyes, he received Xiao Zhan's soft kiss without a complain. At first, Yibo kept watching how their lips moved slowly, but a hard pain in his chest that didn’t allow him to breathe made him look away until they ended it. Then, Xiao Zhan sat beside him as if he had done nothing and Yibo wasn't able to even be even close to him. The anger in him was horrible. He felt his gaze on him, but Yibo was unable to return it, to meet those eyes. He somehow felt betrayed.

So when the bottle pointed at him and Zhong, Yibo knew Zhong had always been willing to give a kiss, so for a second he was going to accept it and made him feel what he felt. However, he realized it was impossible Xiao Zhan would care if he kissed other guys. Hence, he took the half filled bottle and took a shot of it. He had taken a few already so his tolerance was dropping significantly, making him look dizzier. That was why Xiao Zhan hit softly his arm to call for his attention. “Yibo, stop drinking. Kiss someone, it's not-“ he was muttering when Yibo cut him off.

“It’s not my fault if in this room there's only one person I would kiss” he answered rudely, not taking into consideration what that could mean between them, and that made Xiao Zhan shut up harshly. He was so bothered he didn’t care, it was a fact between them, how many times he had asked him for a kiss, it wasn’t a secret, but a reality Xiao Zhan didn’t want to face. And probably, Yibo was way angrier because of that than because of the kiss with Cao Wen.

He remained in his gloomy thoughts as the rest continued playing. Everyone there was drinking, no one else kissed again. Even when the bottle fell on Xiao Zhan again and he choose to kiss, the other person, that was Tao, drank a shot so nothing happened. The game continued and Yibo had to drink other shot when the bottle pointed out at him and Chen. He looked at the clock, not knowing how longer they would keep playing. He wanted to end, but at the same time, he didn’t have a room to come back and sleep. So Yibo would try to end up drunk enough to be left in that room sleeping. However, his state was recovered when the bottle pointed out at him and Xiao Zhan and somehow, the vivid group went silent suddenly. He chose kiss after the whole night rejecting everyone, yet his eyes saw how Xiao Zhan did a small movement towards the bottle, even if no one else saw it because abruptly, someone called on the door without the code.

At that moment, everyone there widened their eyes and followed the plan Zhong and Chen said at the beginning. Quickly, they hid the alcohol and when Yibo wanted to realize it, everyone was already under the beds. Not having a fast brain because of the alcohol, Xiao Zhan was the one who dragged him into the closet while Chen continued saying to wait until everyone would be hidden. Then, inside that closet, with only the light that came through the line between the two doors, Yibo felt trapped by a man who remained so close to his face. Outside, he heard Chen and Tao were talking with one of the employees that checked students didn’t break the rules. Yet Yibo could feel his breath on his face and he could only wish that would end very soon or in that closet, something was going to happen. However, Yibo remembered Xiao Zhan was going to drink not to kiss him and the frustration in him was so unbearable he couldn’t control himself anymore.

“Am I so disgusting for you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.


	3. One Step Closer

“Am I so disgusting for you?” Yibo muttered right in front of Xiao Zhan's face. If they weren’t inside of the closet, his friend would be able to see Yibo's teary eyes by the pain that game had produced in him. The whole night wanting to kiss, plus actually kissing one of his friends, and when they were chosen, Xiao Zhan wanted to drink. It was clear for Yibo, the reason wasn't they were friends, but that he was disgusting for Xiao Zhan, that was why he didn’t want even a single kiss. And that hurt him more than just being friends.

“Stop saying nonsense!” the man trapping him muttered to make him shut up or the people outside would listen to them. However, Yibo was so drunk and hurt his mouth had no filter and his brain couldn’t understand the consequences of his words in such a moment.

“Do you dislike me so much, huh?” Yibo looked at his eyes in the middle of the darkness, yet his pupils shone in that closet. Then, a tear felt through his cheek, being unable to keep it inside anymore. “Then, why don't you tell me straight? Why don't you say you hate-?” suddenly, his words were cut, not because they were exposed or because Yibo thought twice about what he was going to say, but because his mouth was covered in an instant by two soft lips that moved slowly over his, inviting him to return it gladly. And as long as he had waited for that so much time, he welcomed Xiao Zhan without any type of resistance, just finally feeling how tender that man could kiss, how his hands grabbed his clothes from his waist to be closer because his body was being really turned on with just that, how he tilted his head a bit to go deeper and Xiao Zhan allowed that by searching for his tongue, how his cheek felt a small hand drying that tear produced by his friend's double standards. And for a second, Yibo got lost in that world of maximum perfection.

Nothing else existed at that moment, neither the closet, nor his friends outside, not the employee barely discovering them out, nor anything that wasn't Xiao Zhan sucking his lips needfully. Then, as he had always wanted to do, he bit that mole gently, brushing a bit his lower lip with his teeth, but not even regretting it. Xiao Zhan didn’t complain, yet kept breathing hard over his mouth, noses completely fixed, until Yibo dared to steal another kiss, feeling how that man followed him even after stopping to breathe. Once again, their tongues were intertwined, making it deeper than before and getting closer, Yibo even having one of Xiao Zhan's legs between his. He wanted to think it was due to the lack of space inside of the closet, but they could have waited inside of it barely touching. So that just drove him crazy even more and his hips moved against his leg slightly, sensing a hard electricity until his stomach. He couldn’t help but gasp softly against his lips when Xiao Zhan pressed it harsher. That felt like the forbidden apple Eva tasted in the heaven; so good at first, but consequences would come after. However, even if a clean Yibo would stop because of that, his drunk state didn’t allow him to have the will to end those kisses, that waltz between their tongues, those touches around their bodies, that adrenaline filling his veins. He wasn't able. Xiao Zhan neither.

That was why all of that was interrupted when outside the danger disappeared and their friends wondered why they didn’t come out so Chen went to open the doors of the closet. While that man found the most famous couple in that college actually kissing as nobody had ever imagined, nor even them themselves, Xiao Zhan and Yibo received a slap from reality that made them realize the step they had just done and the limit they had just crossed. So when Xiao Zhan turned around while looking aside and got out with his hand cleaning and covering his lips, Yibo reacted widening his eyes. Those two minutes inside the closet had looked as a dream, but only then, he understood he wasn't asleep, but perfectly awake. Hence, Yibo glanced at Chen, who looked as surprised as him, and got out as well to observe that nobody less the owner of the room had discovered them. His hand cleaned his lips in a fast move and just stayed silently in a corner, not being even close to Xiao Zhan, who had walked until Cao Wen's side.

“Let's stop the party here because that guy didn’t go away so conviced about what I said” Yanwei explained and everyone nodded, being already drunk and tired. Yibo took a look at his watch and it was already half past one in the night and everyone there had lessons in the morning. Tomorrow, they would have to assist with a hangover and now the party didn’t look as a good idea anymore to anyone of them. So the nine people there agreed to finish it and grabbed their stuff around. Meanwhile, Yibo glanced at Xiao Zhan constantly, who was always looking away and avoiding to be near him. And even if he was drunk, it was still so painful to see. So when they started the tactic of going away, making Tao go to the toilet and control no one was near guarding the hallways, Yibo was the first one in leaving. He didn’t even bid farewell. He didn’t look behind. But he heard how everyone muttered things about what had happened in the closet and thankfully, Chen kept silent.

Hence, Yibo didn’t wait anyone to come out. He didn’t wait for Xiao Zhan to leave the room and ask him why they had kissed. He did not because Yibo wanted to remain in the ignorance about it. Excuses as being just the heat of the moment or just for making him shut up were too horrible for his feelings to handle. That was why he barely ran through the campus in the middle of the night, feeling a cold breeze freezing his being slowly. If the security of the campus found him, it would be really troublesome, yet Yibo just needed to run, even if his mind was so dizzy due to the alcohol, and fall with his knees on the ground when his lungs couldn’t breathe anymore. His hands grabbed the grass tightly, remembering how soft his hair was. However, his fingers ripped it out by the frustration in him.

What should he think from now on? During years, Xiao Zhan had always rejected his attempts to be more than friends. That night Yibo was the only man who Xiao Zhan would reject. But after when they were into the closet, it was his friend who started that mad kiss between them. So Yibo really wondered what he should do from now on. What he should understand from his acts. Had he just kissed him because he was tired of hearing him? Had he just kissed him because there was somerhing else? Or indeed was Xiao Zhan's true nature hitting on everyone that easily? Sincerely, Yibo didn’t know and for a second, he found himself doubting about his friend completely. He wondered if he really knew the real Xiao Zhan. Or all he had seen during two years had been just a façade of good boy. Then, had all of that been fake?

That drunk man couldn’t think anymore and hit the ground with a fist, closing his eyes strongly not to shed any single tear. He breathed deeply to calm down and right after, he stood up to go at the restroom and try to sleep there because he had no place to go. He had no one to turn to.

*****

Meanwhile, in Chen's room yet, there was a man, who wasn't even talking, barely breathing just to keep alive, but showing a horrified expression constantly. Xiao Zhan couldn’t stop thinking of what had just happened inside that closet. What he had tried to avoid successfully during so many years had just occurred in a second of weakness. Indeed, he was going to drink. He could have kissed the whole room, but Yibo. Xiao Zhan couldn’t allow that their first kiss would be surrounded by people, mixed with alcohol and created by a stupid game. Yet part of it was what contributed to it in the end. When Yibo was there, saying those hurtful things to him, Xiao Zhan understood his attitude had always made him think they would never be something else, but he never dared to explain him why. He never dared to talk with him. That was why all he was saying was so false he couldn’t handle it anymore and showed him his true feelings finally.

That kiss had been perfect. More than that. Unique. Xiao Zhan had kissed many people, mainly girls because he never thought he would be attracted by a man, yet what he had just felt with Yibo had been so new, strong and overwhelming his brain was still trying to recover from such a shock. He was trying not to learn how to go on without tasting them again. Because indeed, he had been the one who had made the step. Ironically, Xiao Zhan had spent months being careful when Yibo was too close not to allow that to happen, yet after all, Yibo wasn't the dangerous one. But he himself. He was his worst enemy and it was clear after the result of his actions. Now, Yibo had just gone without looking back, without saying goodbye, and the last thing he could do was touching his lips with his fingertips, remembering that taste of alcohol mixed with his saliva and the sensations those fleshy lips provoked against his.

“Zhanzhan” a hand grabbed his arm and Xiao Zhan reacted surprised. Then, he found Cao Wen calling him. “C’mon, it's our turn to go” his friend told him and the latter nodded, following him silently through the hallway as both had their cars in the parking. He was absent, just caring about walking and thinking about Yibo. However, his friend didn’t think the same. “Don’t you have something to tell me?” his voice surprised him abruptly. Right after, his head was shaken, not even denying it with words. “I was the one behind the closet, I heard everything” with that confession, Xiao Zhan panicked, widening his eyes until they hurt, and looked at him in a second.

“Wen-ge, I...” Xiao Zhan really wanted to explain him, say a lie and make like nothing of that had happened, but now his brain was so confused and lost he couldn't find any single word to say anymore. He was collapsing mentally.

“Don’t give me explanations. You should know what you do. I just ask you to stop hurting Yibo being this selfish and coward” his friend spoke clearly, what made Xiao Zhan frown after hearing such strong words.

“Selfish and coward?” he retorted, being offended by the whole comment in fact. He knew very well how he was hurting Yibo daily with his behaviour, yet he wasn't ready to admit it and do a step, in any direction, to end that situation. Maybe was that what Cao Wen meant?

“If you like him, go for it. What's the problem?” his friend opened the Pandora’s box in Xiao Zhan. The problem. What made him hide his feelings, what was a nightmare in his head, what caused a deep confusion in him. He knew what it was. He was aware of the excuse his mind had created not to even think as possible a chance with Yibo. And maybe being so sure about it when he had to be blind not to see his friend's feelings provoked small holes in that shield he constantly wore with Yibo that became weak moments like in the closet. Although, the last one had destroyed half of the shield.

“I-” exactly when he was going to answer some incoherence to skip his mate's question, they found another man walking through the hallway while lurching by what it looked as alcohol and tiredness. At that moment, Xiao Zhan's blood stopped circulating through his body and his eyes were lowered aside because he was unable to be right beside him.

“Yibo, what are you still doing here? Go to your room” Cao Wen told him when they were face to face and realized that drunk man was just gazing at his friend.

“I can't, my roommate stole my keys for the whole night just to fuck a girl” he explained rudely, not really caring about giving details or not. However, that was enough to make the two seniors wide their eyes in surprise. None of them thought Gao Qi would be able to leave Yibo in the streets.

“Where are you planning to stay?” Cao decided to know, yet Yibo chuckled bitterly.

“In the restroom, at least it's not cold” his reply shocked them even more. Xiao Zhan thought for a second why Yibo was always trying not to bother anyone, why he never asked for help, why he loved to look strong enough to fix everything. He wondered why Yibo never counted on him in this type of situations. That was why he got angry all of sudden. And that anger made what happened in the room just be a detail.

“Are you stupid or alcohol burnt your braincells?!” he shouted at him right after, startling Yibo abruptly. And finally their gazes found each other once again. “Just ask one of us to stay at our place! But don't go being all careless about your own health!” he scolded him severely, maybe mixing his anger with his frustration and indecisions towards him too. In the end, it was just him shouting at the person he had just kissed. Yet his concern about him was bigger than his doubtful side. Sometimes Xiao Zhan wondered who would take care of Yibo if he didn’t do it.

“Stop shouting or you'll wake up someone” Cao Wen warned him and the disturbed man calmed down a bit to lower his voice. However, he was brave enough to approach Yibo and make him lean on his shoulders while one of his arms grabbed his waist. His friend looked at his face surprised so Xiao Zhan lowered it because they were so close not to feel nervous.

“What are you doing?” Yibo complained with his voice, but not moving a single muscle to free himself. Xiao Zhan started to walk slowly through the hallway in direction to the parking and the drunk man didn’t oppose.

“You'll sleep at my place” Xiao Zhan decided by himself. For a second, he was afraid anyone in here would take advantage of Yibo's condition so he would be safe in his apartment until tomorrow's morning.

“No... I don't want to sleep on your _killing_ couch” he complained as a kid and fleetingly, Xiao Zhan wanted to smile.

“You'll have my bed, don't worry” he reassured him, not really mattering about having to sleep on that hellish couch. Indeed, Yibo wasn't mistaken when he called it _killing_. It wasn’t comfortable at all.

“And you?” suddenly, his friend cared about him. Xiao Zhan just continued walking.

“I’ll be fine on the _killing_ couch” he spoke lowly, just wanting to arrive home as soon as possible because tomorrow he had lessons to study and teach. Yet that man behind him didn’t lose a single second and leaned his head on his shoulder. That small gesture made his heart throb faster, but he did say nothing and let him be that close. He loved their closeness. Meanwhile, Cao Wen had remained quiet all this time, walking behind them as if they were alone. He knew so Xiao Zhan didn’t pay attention to him too much in the end. That was how they arrived to the parking and bid farewell.

“Be careful while driving” the senior helping Yibo spoke because he had drunk a bit and even if he was okay, still Xiao Zhan worried.

“Don’t worry, you too” his friend got into his car and started to head home in the middle of the night. Then, Xiao Zhan opened the copilot door and helped Yibo to get into without hitting his head. After, he surrounded the car and sat beside him to watch how his hands were having trouble to put his seat belt clumsily. So Xiao Zhan went to do it himself and their hands touched. For a second, both froze there, feeling that electricity between them, yet Yibo removed his hands and his friend ended the task quickly.

Right after, Xiao Zhan turned the motor on and got out of the parking softly to return home. Yibo kept silent, so much he thought he had fallen asleep, what was something good so they wouldn’t have any type of conversation. Not yet. So Xiao Zhan was limited to drive, enjoying the loneliness of the night to clear his thoughts slowly. It looked like Yibo was still acting as always with him, but he could feel how something was different between them. How he was too worried about not being close anymore, how the tension between their gazes was unbearable, how his lips itched by remembering his kisses, how his hands wanted to feel his skin again. And even if part of this already happened in the past, now it was stronger, what made him be even more careful with his actions regarding Yibo. The latter, instead, seemed as not caring about anything anymore after the kiss. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe indeed he had gotten what he had searched for all these years and now he was satisfied. In any case, Xiao Zhan was afraid of the next morning, of Yibo being lucid again, of the chat that could arrive, of the confessions that could occur. But also, of the chance that they would continue like nothing happened. As if that kiss didn’t exist. And even if in part, that option was the easiest to live, he knew they needed to talk about it. They needed to settle something between them. He didn’t know what yet, but he was sure words were needed to release tension in their friendship. If they still had something called friendship.

After a while, they finally reached the parking near Xiao Zhan's apartment and stopped the car there, checking if Yibo was awake or not. Then, he saw his eyes were opened, but he hadn't said a single word in the whole path and that just made him feel guiltier. That was why he didn’t wait too long to get out to help him after. However, when he was going to surround the car, he saw how Yibo was closing the door by himself. “Wait” he spoke to be his support, yet his friend didn’t listen to him and began to walk, better than before, to his building. Xiao Zhan was startled for a second; wasn’t he drunk anymore? Or had he acted in the campus? That man frowned and followed him just in case. His hands attempted to grab his waist and Yibo didn’t oppose, just continuing until the elevator without a single word. Then, once in it, the younger man turned around, showing a sad, pouting face to Xiao Zhan, and right after, his arms hugged him as a small kid, hiding his head on his shoulder. The senior panicked by that sudden embrace, yet he was unable to reject him so he returned it warmly. Perhaps, he needed a hug too.

“C'mon, let's sleep” Xiao Zhan muttered beside his ear when the elevator doors were opened and Yibo looked up with very tired eyes. Those almond eyes were precious to watch, but he was sure in five minutes he would faint no matter if he was on a bed or not. So the taller man dragged him until his door and opened it with his keys. Once inside, he helped him to remove his shoes and both went straight to the bed. Finally, Xiao Zhan dropped his friend on his sheets to see how that man couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. “Good night, small lion” he muttered, having tons of memories coming to his mind. However, not being the only one, Yibo regained consciousness again after hearing that.

“This lion needs his bunny...” his voice was so husky and the words were spoken unclearly, yet Xiao Zhan understood it perfectly. That was why his heart stopped and he looked away holding back the pain in him. He was already asleep, that sentence would have been probably said without logic, but for Xiao Zhan, it had been a reminder that Yibo hadn't forgotten a single day between them in those two years. A single detail. All was stuck in their minds because everything was important. Precious. A treasure to protect unconditionally. So slowly, his hand brushed his hair softly, just admiring his flawless expression. That round nose he loved to touch or those fluffy cheeks that really felt as silk. The reverse part of two of his fingers rubbed it until his left commissure and immediately he looked away, removing his hand and standing up. He was drunk, he shouldn’t take advantage of that to cross the limit constantly.

Hence, he changed his clothes and went to the couch to sleep there. However, when he sat and glanced at the bed, he saw a man who was really moving uncomfortably. So hating his lack of will, he refused to sleep alone in that couch and approached the only bed in the apartment. It was only for one person, yet he lay down beside Yibo as he could. His back was facing his friend so they wouldn't touch and that would just look as the excuse that both could fit in that bed. However, his own excuses were broken when Yibo himself cuddled his back tightly. One of his arms surrounded his waist and he pressed his torso against him, making Xiao Zhan feel his breath on his neck. It was ticklish and he moved slightly, also because he got tense as a spring. Although, he didn’t set him aside or think about returning to the couch for a second. It was just new and kind of comfortable. Besides, Yibo looked calmer now he wasn't alone. So faster than he thought, tiredness won.

*****

Feeling a hard heat under him, Xiao Zhan cuddled up even more because that morning was indeed very cold. His hand was feeling how a heart was beating slowly in that muscled chest and that calmed him down even more. For a second, he smiled and smelt that scent he loved so much. If that was a dream, he wished he could sleep like that every night. But when he regained consciousness and remembered he wasn't alone in that bed, his eyes were opened hastily finding a sleepy man under him, not even caring if Xiao Zhan was hugging him. Slowly, breathlessly, carefully, that awake man kneeled on the bed beside Yibo to break the touch and think twice what he had done that night. The plan was sleeping in the same bed, but separately. Not hugging as... Lovers.

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes in frustration because if he continued watching Yibo totally asleep with his clothes being a mess and his mouth slightly opened, he was sure a kiss would be just the start between them. Hence, he surrounded that man noiselessly and stood up. Only then, he realized why he was barely bearing the temptation of breaking any type of limits with Yibo. His crotch was hurting as hell that morning. Xiao Zhan panicked and ran to the bathroom because if Yibo would find out, he would have a man teasing him for months. That was why he checked the hour in his phone and panicked again because he only had half an hour to arrive to the college. So ending the problem wasn't in his plans. Sighing painfully, he opened the tap of cold water and tried to take the coldest shower of his life, suffering to stop himself from using the excuse he was happy to enjoy what Yibo had to offer. He couldn’t allow that, so even if he took a bit longer under the water, he could fix it on time to get dressed and ready just in twenty minutes.

However, when he noticed it, Yibo was still sleeping and probably he would have a hangover. That was why Xiao Zhan decided to let him sleep for three reasons; he was so cute, Yibo did seem bad last night and Xiao Zhan didn’t feel like facing him yet. So he took his stuff to leave already because he would have breakfast in the canteen and stared at Yibo after writing and leaving a note on the table for him. That morning had looked as if they were going out. Small details would change if that was real, but waking up beside him, being careful not to wake him up, walking towards him and kissing his hair softly were things he loved doing. Especially the last one when his lips felt his tender forehead. For a second, he yearned to do that every morning, to hug him every night and wake him up with kisses. And that just proved how he liked Yibo, how he suffered by restraining himself. However, Xiao Zhan knew that was the best decision for both.

That was why he caressed his cheek with his fingers gently before turning around and putting on his shoes. Then, because he didn’t really want to leave, he glanced at that man for last time and closed the door.

*****

_Being new in a college was really complicated. He had no idea where the classes were, when he could eat or sleep, the fastest paths or the places to relax. He knew nothing in those three huge buildings that formed the college he had been admitted in. So even if he had arrived barely late to another class in that second week of semester, he was at least in the lesson where the teacher had two students doing practics with him while teaching and one of them was really good while doing it. His voice doubted sometimes so Yibo knew he was new doing that, yet his way of explaining the subject was so original hearing him was a pleasure._

_Unluckily, the time ended and everyone started to pack their stuff even if he was rushing to finish properly the matter, Yibo could see how he was glancing at everyone leaving and messing up even more. That was why he was the only one who kept there listening to him until that student put an end to that nonsense and started to clean the board before leaving. Then, Yibo got all his things into his bag too and when he stood up only, he and the three teachers were inside the class. So listening to them was unavoidable._

_“Don't worry, they always do this” the old teacher tried to reassure that young man who looked unsatisfied. Yibo couldn’t set his gaze aside from him because somehow he was feeling so bad for him. His lessons were amazing so he didn’t want to see such a face. So the student thought about saying how much he had liked it, but all he did when he passed beside them was bowing as a farewell. The three of them returned it, but that upset man changed his expression into a cheerful one and didn’t leave his eyes until Yibo turned around to go out of the class._

_For a second, his heart throbbed faster when their gazes met and Yibo sighed, knowing it had just been a smile to him. He was happy that having stayed made him feel a bit better at least, although he would have loved to say him it wasn't his fault. However, he was already walking through the hallway so he couldn’t go back. Mainly, because by thinking about it, he had gotten lost and his next class was in ten minutes. Yibo damned himself for that and tried to look around for a map or board with directions. Luckily, he found one in the same hallway and put his index finger on the crystal trying to find what he needed and orientate himself mentally. But no matter how much he repeated the steps in his mind, he was unable to remember all. Then, he got his phone and took a photo of the map even if taking photos inside of the building was forbidden. Maybe, being lucky no one had..._

_“You know you can't do that, right?” a man behind him spoke and Yibo turned around panicking and hiding his phone as if he was doing nothing. Nevertheless, his face got pale when he met those eyes of before and that warm smile._

_“I wasn't-“_

_“Don’t lie, I think we all have done that sometimes” he grinned softly and Yibo relaxed a bit when he saw he wasn't going to report him. That student continued talking when he saw his face. “Are you lost?” he asked with curious expression and Yibo nodded shyly._

_“I’m new and this is insanely big” he answered with his gaze aside._

_“I have a while until my next lesson, I can help you” that man offered his help and even if Yibo wanted to accept right away, he chose to be polite._

_“I don't want to trouble you...”_

_“Stop that bullshit” suddenly, he spoke and that surprised Yibo. He looked so correct it was hard to imagine such an answer coming from him. “It’s not a bother, I'd have loved someone helping me the first days too” he chuckled too bitterly. “Tell me where you need to go” that person decided by himself and Yibo had no other choice._

_“The class beside the canteen, the one with a small scenario” he described it poorly, wondering if he would know what he meant. Yet, that person knew immediately._

_“Ah! Here” he began to walk and Yibo followed him, not really knowing what else to say rather than thanking him. “By the way, I'm Xiao Zhan” he introduced himself. Yibo kept thinking about those two words for a few seconds until he reacted and decided to do the same._

_“I’m Wang Yibo” he retorted, glancing at his side and finding a flawless side view of his face. Then, Xiao Zhan turned too and met his eyes with a smile._

_“You’re the one who stayed in class before, right?” suddenly, he spoke and Yibo looked down in a second, feeling his face burning hastily. “I'd like to thank you for that” those words surprised Yibo deeply. Hence, he gazed at him back with his almond eyes being widened._

_“You don't have to thank me. I...”_

_“But I want to” his voice sounded more serious and his expression erased that nice smile. “Even if the teacher tells me I should get used, it's saddening” he explained, turning that smile into a bitter grin that hurt Yibo even. That was why..._

_“Don’t care about all the people who leave” he spoke decisively. “I... I really love your way to explain the subject. Instead of just sticking to the book, you go through what you like with passion and it's really nice to learn from someone like you” finally, he could say what he thought to him. “So that's why I stayed. Many times your lessons are too short” his small chuckled at the end made him flush. He usually was silent and serious, yet he could smile that easily beside him. Yibo felt so comfortable with him for some reason._

_“Wow... I don't even know what to say...” Xiao Zhan covered his mouth shyly because of his compliments and looked way more cheerful thanks to his words. That made the student felt even better. “I guess... Thank you so much” his voice was so sweet while thanking him. When Yibo turned his head, that brilliant smile, gorgeous as never, took his breath away. “Ah, it's here” hastily, Xiao Zhan pointed out a class and interrupted their chat. And somehow, the student preferred that._

_“Thank you for guiding me” he bowed politely, yet Xiao Zhan didn’t let him do that._

_“Don't be so formal! I'm barely older than you” that excuse wasn't valid for Yibo, though._

_“But you're my teacher”_

_“No, no” he laughed. “I’m not a teacher, I'm a student practicing with a proper teacher” Xiao Zhan clarified and even if Yibo didn’t see too much difference because he was teaching him so he became a teacher, his eyes checked the hour and he was going to be late._

_“Whatever” he gave up and turned around while waving his hand as farewell. However, he still hear behind him his voice._

_“Nice lion keychain, by the way!” then, Yibo looked back, being quite lost until he remembered he had a lion keychain hanging from his bag. “It suits you” Xiao Zhan smirked and lowered his eyes while turning around. Yibo stopped on his spot for a second after having seen such a gaze and touched the lion, wondering what he meant by that. Being still startled, he got into the class and sat alone in a corner, placing the bag over the table and rubbing the keychain with his fingers. Now, it reminded him of Xiao Zhan._

A hard headache made him open his eyes difficultly because how bothersome the light in the room was for him. It had woke him because the sunlight was hitting his face straight. So at first he didn’t know where he was until he sat on the bed and looked around. His hand was scratching his hair while frowning. What was he doing in Xiao Zhan's apartment? Then, as if a lightning crossed his mind, he remembered what happend inside the closet last night and looked down to his body fast, checking he still had his clothes on. Indeed, nothing had happened between them and Yibo didn’t know if to feel happy or upset about that. However, he recalled the kiss again and touched his lips, closing his eyes as his teeth bit his lower one bitterly. Now he knew what his kiss tasted like, how soft his lips could be or how much he could love it. And just then, he knew he was screwed for real.

Hence, he didn’t want to think too much about that, otherwise he would just go out to search for Xiao Zhan and repeat it thousands of times. So, remembering he had lessons in the morning, he checked the hour panicking and noticing it was twelve o'clock. He sighed and fell on the bed, realizing even if he ran, he wouldn’t make it even for just the last one. That was why he stood up to see if Xiao Zhan had something to have breakfast. He opened the fridge and found how well organized he was. He even felt bad for just grabbing a bottle of milk. He put some into a glass and returned the milk into the fridge. Then, when he was about to lean his butt on the worktop, he saw there was a paper on the table. He walked towards it and noticed it was a note.

“If you have hangover, the pills are in the drawer under the TV. You can rest today, I'll update you with the classes after” Yibo read aloud and clickled his tongue. Once again, Xiao Zhan was deciding by himself what he should do. And even if for an instant, that felt good, he knew better than someone else his friend did that for the good and bad stuff. He would like that man to be more open with him sometimes, yet all the information, problems, thoughts must be gotten by stubbornness. That was why Yibo broke the note and threw it to the trash bin. He didn’t need the pills, he needed to talk with Xiao Zhan. However, he also needed advice from a privileged mind. He got his phone and marked a number.

“Bobo?” suddenly a high-pitched voice answered at the other side and he smiled.

“Lulu, it's me” he retorted, being nervous to tell her.

“Where are you? I haven't seen you in the whole morning and when I found Xiao Zhan, he didn’t tell me where you are” she explained worried, but that was just hilarious for Yibo who threw himself on the bed, feeling kind of happy for that reaction.

“I’m in his apartment. Don't ask me how, but I woke up in his bed” indeed, he didn’t remember since he left Chen’s room, so he had an empty space in his memory he wanted to fill with Xiao Zhan when he would come back.

“What?! Did you-?!”

“No! Well, I guess. I have my clothes on” he explained. It would be weird if they had sex and after Xiao Zhan put his clothes on again.

“Seriously, how you waste all your chances is frustrating” his friend complained with bitter voice and Yibo guessed it was the perfect moment to tell her.

“Luckily, he doesn't waste them...” he encrypted his words, what made her be even more disturbed, and even if Yibo knew that, he did it on purpose.

“Spill. Everything. Out. Now” she marked every word to state clear she would hang up if Yibo wasn't fast in telling her.

“He kissed me last night” he was so straightforward, without any detail because he couldn’t handle that bittersweet feeling inside of him. That kiss made him the happiest man, but also the most afraid one.

“WHAT?!”

“Yes... We were playing the bottle game and it chose the both of us. But then, someone called on the door and we all had to hide. He and I hid together in the closet and he kissed me inside” he told the moment without too many details, although he knew they were all important.

“Are you sure he didn't do it for the game?” she asked, trying to understand better what happened in that closet before cheering Yibo to think what it might not be.

“He was going to drink, but the person outside interrupted him. Actually, for the whole night he chose kiss instead of drink, but with me...” he explained to her with upset voice, remembering his kiss with Cao Wen.

“He was going to drink, but after it's him who kissed you hidden in a closet?”

“Exactly” Yibo affirmed, confirming his friend was understanding the story, and she remained in silence for a while, probably being as messed up as Yibo himself.

“Haven't you imagined it by being drunk?” Lulu spoke randomly and Yibo clicked his tongue, bothered.

“I remember it clearly! It wasn't just the kiss, but also touches...” he added to the list and heard a gasp.

“Touches... As what?” her voice was so low abruptly.

“You know... Hands... His leg against my-“

“What the hell?!” she interrupted him, probably not wanting to know further because she already had enough information to get a shape of what had happened last night. “But that's not a kiss, that's just the start of what could have ended as way more” she clarified and Yibo closed his eyes, recalling how hot Xiao Zhan's body was against his.

“Yeah... I'd have gone wild, to be honest” he confessed, wondering how it would have been, how it would have felt like, how enjoyable it could have become. Yet he was unable to answer any of this questions because Chen opening the door had a horrible timing.

“And now? What will you do? Because it's clear that that kiss wasn't for the game” she asked him, repeating the same question he had in his brain running in circles.

“I don't know...” he sighed. “I’m waiting for him to come back and we will talk, I guess” his voice was dubious so it was clear for his friend that he might not do it as always.

“Yeah, talk... As during these two years, right?” she spat mercilessly, hitting in the truth to make him open his eyes regarding his fears. Yet Yibo thought words would mess up what they had.

“I’ll see what I do, okay?” he got ruder by that comment and Lulu just nodded, not really believing the words of her friend at all. After all, this chat was not the first time that happened and Yibo always ended up not talking at all if it wasn't needed just for the fear that Xiao Zhan would reject him once again. But this time for real.

Suddenly, the door of the apartment was opened and Yibo sat on the bed and panicked when he saw that man, he was in love with, coming inside of his home. “I’ll call you later, he's just arrived” he muttered to the phone and hung up before Xiao Zhan would notice he was talking with someone. Then, he stood up, facing that man who was approaching while looking into his eyes, and the tension he could feel was like an enigma for Yibo, who doubted for a second if what had happened last night had been a good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.


	4. The Past

He dropped the phone on the bed and stood up when he saw Xiao Zhan coming inside the room, leaving his jacket and bag on the table. Yibo knew he was avoiding him, probably because of the subject that happened last night, so as always Yibo thought acting as always was the best choice to make it work with his friend. Xiao Zhan had always been that type of people who was too careful when something occurred. That was why Yibo's personality of normalizing everything even if it was complicated and painful for himself was usual. And now he realized that maybe that behaviour had helped them to continue being close despite their feelings. Many people wouldn’t be able to normalize the actions they had sometimes between them, yet Xiao Zhan and he were used, not to do like nothing happened, but to look as okay whatever thing they could do or say.

So Yibo approached, looking at Xiao Zhan from head to toe. He was wearing a white shirt, tied until the neck, with black trousers that made him look very formal. He knew Xiao Zhan only dressed like that when he had to do his practices so he also knew he had missed another of his lessons, what was a pity because in two years he hadn't missed even one. Hence, he stayed with calm expression beside him, leaning his butt on the edge of the table to face him easily, yet Xiao Zhan was searching for his phone into his bag. “No hangover?” he asked out of the blue, starting the chat and surprising Yibo.

“I'm better than I deserve” he confessed and grinned bitterly, waiting for his friend to look up. However, right after finding the phone, Xiao Zhan turned around to walk away. That wasn't in Yibo's plans so his hand grabbed his friend's softly. Even if the older man returned to face him, his hand was removed quickly and Yibo noticed he didn’t want physical contact. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” he complained with a pout because after no one wanted to give him the notes of that lesson.

“You looked really bad last night so I wanted you to rest” he explained briefly, not giving Yibo too many thoughts. However, that he cared about his condition just made him a bit happier. That was why his typical interrogatory began at that moment.

“To rest in your bed” he pointed out with a smirk, looking straight at his eyes, which suddenly returned the gaze intensely. That provoked a shiver in his spine.

“You were going to sleep in the restroom, thank me before thinking strange things” Xiao Zhan retorted with serious voice and Yibo remembered his roommate had left him homeless to be with a woman. Yet, how did Xiao Zhan know about that?

“And where did you sleep?” Yibo tried to change subject because he saw his friend was very reticent to talk about some details. However, right after hearing that question, that tall man turned around to approach the fridge.

“In my bed” his answer came hastily, freezing Yibo as he had woken up in that bed too. What did that mean?

“You and I have...” the student turned his head, not finding more beds around, and his brain couldn’t imagine sleeping beside Xiao Zhan at all. He hadn't waken up even once until the late morning so he didn’t know if he was joking or not.

“We have shared the bed to sleep, but no one has even touched the other so stop dreaming” Xiao Zhan clarified. For a second that relieved him, but also he got frustrated they did sleep in the same bed and he could remember nothing. If he wouldn’t have been drunk, for sure he would have tried to tease Xiao Zhan in that bed for the whole night. Just that thought made him see how his day by day beside his best friend was like a gift. An endless gift he didn’t want to lose.

“Well, then, I guess I must thank you for having taken care of me this well” Yibo approached his friend, who was preparing some food on the worktop and remained barely stuck to him. Then, his eyes looked at the shape of his face instead of at what he was doing.

“You better thank me properly. I helped you to walk, I brought you here in my car, I allowed you to sleep in my bed and for more, I let you skip classes” then, Xiao Zhan faced him to continue his scolds severely. Yet Yibo could only stare at those lips moving. “Don't think I'm going to-“ his words were cut off abruptly when Yibo did a step forwards and kissed his friend. It was just two seconds, sucking his lower lip slightly and closing his eyes to remember perfectly that magical feeling in his chest. Then, the kiss was broken, doing a soft wet sound, and their gazes crashed in a tense ambient of indecision and fear. And the younger man knew he still had to normalize that kiss too.

“Is this a proper thank you?” he questioned with soft voice, not being embarrassed of what he had just done, better said he was just afraid of his reaction, but it wasn't like he was going to show it to Xiao Zhan. That was why that man in front of him returned to the food in his hands, his ears as red as the tomato on the worktop.

“I hope you don't go kissing everyone every time you want to say thank you” he joked, showing he wasn't bothered by what he had just done. Instead, he was normalizing that. It was their only way if they wanted to preserve their friendship.

“I don't, but it could be our way to thank one another” he proposed with a smirk and Xiao Zhan turned around with a knife in his hand. Yibo did a few steps backwards, being all scared by that reaction, yet chuckling because he loved teasing him.

“Words are enough, THANK YOU” he played with the words and continued cooking, not even showing once he was really bothered about that. What made Yibo extremely happy because that meant somehow Xiao Zhan was allowing that type of behaviour between them. It wasn't only small gestures or important sentences, it was also kisses. No matter how much Xiao Zhan could reject his proposals of dating, kissing or even having sex, because after he allowed all of this. Indeed, maybe Lulu was right and his problem was that he always asked before acting. For first time he had acted without speaking aloud his intentions and it had worked out well. So that just gave him more confidence to continue chasing Xiao Zhan.

“Also, Zhan-ge” he got serious, changing subject to see if they could still talk about everything as always. “What have you taught in my lessons? I skipped already two hours and I'm pretty lost” he asked, knowing if he didn’t help him, he wouldn’t be able to catch up the subject anymore by himself.

“Check inside of my bag, there are two summaries for you” his friend answered, surprising Yibo greatly. Then, the younger man went to indeed check how those summaries were done. He opened his bag and first took a glance inside of it. There were many folders and some books around. It would be very hard to find it without checking everything and he didn’t want to do that either.

“In which folder?” he decided to ask.

“In the blue one, the first two papers” Xiao Zhan answered back and Yibo saw what folder he meant right after. He picked it up, but when he was going to pull it out of the bag, something else came out too and fell on the floor. Yibo left the folder on the table and looked around to see what had fallen off. He spotted something white and when he went to grab it, he noticed it was a keychain of a bunny. His fingers felt it very soft, remembering how much he had touched his, and kept looking at that one, being gloomy all of sudden. Why did he have that inside of his bag? “Don’t you find it?” suddenly, his friend asked him after not receiving any reply and turned around, finding Yibo with that bunny in his hand. “What are you doing with that?” Xiao Zhan cleaned his hands in a hurry to approach him and tear it from his hand. Then, an uncomfortable silence grew up between them. Yibo wasn't able to say a word after seeing that bunny still with Xiao Zhan. He never thought he would see it again.

“Is it a new one?” he asked with low voice, seeing how it was still old, but refusing to believe he still had it. It would mean too many things.

“No, it's not” Xiao Zhan answered while saving it in one of the bag pockets and closing the zipper. Then, their eyes glanced at each other and Yibo did a step forwards, wanting even to cry for what that simple negation meant between them.

“You threw it away that day, how...?”

“There are some things that we can't throw away even if they hurt” Xiao Zhan spoke while looking aside, his almond eyes reflecting the same sadness as that day.

“Why did you never tell me?” the student asked with pain reflected in his face. It'd been so much time since that happened, since the declaration they could only be friends was made. Yet now Yibo was finding he still had that keychain. And that changed everything. It changed all so much for a second Yibo got scared to know, to open that wound again, to hurt Xiao Zhan as he did that day.

“You threw away yours after I did that, right? It was meaningless” he spoke coldly, putting that shield again as back to those days, and that just made Yibo feel his blood burning.

“Why do you always have to decide by yourself?!” he raised his voice, showing an angry face he wasn't used to express. And Xiao Zhan wasn't used to see neither. “I always have to guess with you and I'm tired!” he complained without a stop, remembering that month as one of the worst in the college. How he suffered because of a stupid keychain. And now he discovered Xiao Zhan had always hidden it from him. As everything else. He was always hiding stuff from him and there was nothing else that hurt Yibo more than his distrust.

“Yibo, listen to me-“

“No! I just want you to open up to me!” he shouted at his friend and grabbed his bag and phone to approach the door, put on his shoes and get out of that house as soon as possible not to destroy his stuff by his rage inside. What that bunny meant was more than a simple keychain, more than a gift, more than what others could think. It could be considered as Yibo's feelings for Xiao Zhan and they had been hidden all this time. He had been hidden by Xiao Zhan. And Yibo could handle any type of rejection, but what happened on that day. That was his weak spot. That knife he still had stuck in his heart and he didn’t dare to pull out. And now that knife was burning, reopening that wound that, along together with last night kiss, made him be mad. Crazy. Insane. And it was one of those moments where he wanted to give up regarding Xiao Zhan.

Meanwhile, inside of that apartment, a man kept on his spot, grabbing the keychain tightly as a tear crossed his cheek. “I was making lunch for both...”

*****

_The sunset on that beach was being incredibly beautiful. The colours in the sky due to the sun were reflected on the water that formed soft waves. These crashed against his naked feet as he was walking slowly on the sand, enjoying the loneliness. His mind was thinking about many things, but at the same time he wasn't thinking of anything. Many thoughts wanted to fill his brain, yet he didn’t allow them because he was so focused on remembering that man he had met one month ago and who he only saw when he did lessons for his class. Some days they talked a bit after them, other days he helped him to find his next place to go, there were even days when all they said was a simple goodbye to each other. He couldn’t say they had a friendship built, but somehow they started to be acquaintances, what was an achievement. He wasn't too social so for now he only had a friend, called Qian Lu, that they connected because they both were new in that college. Otherwise, he had no more friends, only that man, whose name was Xiao Zhan, and who made his heart throb every time their eyes met. That was why he wanted to be closer, yet he didn’t know how._

_“Yibo!” a cheerful voice called for him suddenly and when the student turned around, he found the exact man he was thinking of saying hi to him while waving a hand happily. “What are you doing here alone?” he asked as approaching to him. Yibo got blocked for a second because he wasn't expecting to find him in such an unknown beach._

_“I like coming here when I get stressed because of college” he explained with low voice. He got all nervous after meeting him in the place he never thought as possible._

_“Oh, so you're not here because of the party” Xiao Zhan connected in his mind aloud by himself and Yibo looked around._

_“Party where?” he asked._

_“Over there. After all it's a party for the seniors” he pointed out far away from the front line of the beach to a building that looked as crowded now Xiao Zhan was highlighting it._

_“And why are you here instead of in the party?” Yibo asked being curious about that. Xiao Zhan grinned._

_“I need fresh air from time to time too” his answer was vague, but the younger man accepted too. If he didn’t want to explain the details, he was okay with just that. “Well, and how is my essay going?” Xiao Zhan joined him to walk in the water by removing his shoes too without even asking so Yibo felt even good he was that willing to accompany him in that loneliness._

_“I haven't started it yet” he confessed unawared of his own words and the person behind him threw water with his foot to Yibo._

_“Are you stupid?! You have to deliver it in three days!” he yelled at that messed boy, who widened his eyes not having remembered when the deadline was._

_“You're kidding me, right?!” he panicked all of sudden and looked at Xiao Zhan, who had a frustrated expression rather than a startled one._

_“No! And you're here” he threw more water with his foot to Yibo. “Go back and do it right now!” he scolded him severely and continued splashing the water towards Yibo's direction._

_“Stop that!” he complained, feeling his trousers already wet because he wasn't stopping until he would go back. So Yibo decided to counterattack with the same tactic and his foot splashed the water violently towards Xiao Zhan, who tried to cover himself unsuccessfully._

_“That’s not fair!” the older man whined loudly when his clothes were wet too and chuckled while throwing even more water, but this time with his hands._

_“What are-?!” Yibo got surprised and could only think about doing the same, this time both ending up completely wet by each other, who didn’t stop splashing water everywhere to make the other lose in that abrupt game they had started out of the blue. However, none of them looked as finishing that anytime soon so Xiao Zhan aproached Yibo to stop his hands by grabbing them. Still Yibo didn’t let him do that and tried to set himself free. As both were laughing deeply, their strengths were weaker than normal so they began to wrestle to see who could win who. Until they lost balance and both fell on the sand out of the water luckily, no matter if they looked as having gotten into the sea with their clothes on._

_Still on the sand, Yibo was weak against his competitive side and needed to sit over Xiao Zhan while blocking his both wrists against the ground. The older man tried to free himself, but accepted his defeat when he saw how Yibo was breathless over him, his head at less than thirty centimeters away with his wet hair being all messy. Instead, Yibo saw how Xiao Zhan was all helpless and wet under him and even if his eyes admired him for some brief seconds, when a hard wave came, it was gonna cover the man under him completely so Yibo grabbed his wrists and pushed him up to help him sit on time not to get drowned with the water. However, that sudden move made Xiao Zhan lean on his shoulders as Yibo dropped his hands to hold his back gently. That position made them be even closer and their eyes wandered between their mouths and gazes, up and down constantly as being totally lost about what to do at that moment. Then, Xiao Zhan brushed his hair softly with his long fingers as his head went to kiss him. However, Yibo panicked and moved away while standing up. His heart was crazy in his chest, his embarrassment was to the maximum and the heat inside of his body was increasing dangerously._

_“Look our clothes now...” he spoke nervously, showing an attempt of grin that disappeared at the next second, and started to squeeze his clothes for removing the water. Xiao Zhan kept there, biting his lower lip hard, before standing up too and indeed checking how they couldn’t stay like this or they would catch a cold._

_“It was funny, though” his voice wasn't as warm as before, yet he showed a bittersweet smile that told Yibo he was a bit disappointed. At that moment, he understood Xiao Zhan had tried to kiss him for real and he had rejected him hastily. Not because he didn’t want, but because Yibo felt as dying if it was that man who was close to him._

_“I think I'll return to the residence now” he informed, wanting to be alone, but wanting to remain with Xiao Zhan at the same time._

_“I can bring you there. After all, I started this” he offered, showing a bit of regret for having made them end with their clothes totally wet and useless. Yibo thought of refusing, but he understood he would catch a horrible cold if he had to walk back all the path until the residence by himself. So he nodded with grateful eyes and Xiao Zhan began to walk direction to the parking where his car was. To be honest, Yibo was pretty nervous for going in his car. After all, they knew for the lessons, still the student considered that man as his teacher so when they arrived all wet to the parking, it was filled with people around that kept looking at them, some laughing by how drunk they were. Then, before reaching his car, a person shouted beside them._

_“Zhanzhan!” his voice was deep, but loud. Both of them turned around and saw how a tall, handsome man walked toward them. “What the heck have you done?!” that man exclaimed, looking at his clothes startled, and after, his eyes went to Yibo. “And who is he?” he asked with serious expression._

_“He’s my new friend, Wang Yibo” suddenly, Xiao Zhan hugged his shoulders as buddies and called them as friends. “We were fighting in the beach and fell on the water, so I'm gonna go change clothes” the older man explained to his friend and this one shook his head in disbelief._

_“You're stupid” that was his full answer. Then, he looked at Yibo. “I’m Cao Wen, this airhead's best friend” that man introduced himself and Yibo raised his eyebrows, amazed by the type of friends Xiao Zhan had. Yibo had always imagined him as the perfect student, disliking parties and having intellectual friends. Yet Xiao Zhan was all the opposite. He was so politically incorrect outside, going partying with friends that looked more as Yibo's than his. That was why the younger man was totally speechless._

_“I’m not an airhead, moron” he insulted back and both laughed at that strange show of affection between them. “Well, we leave. I talk to you later!” he opened the car to get inside, but his friend stopped his actions with a bothered face._

_“What? Aren't you coming back?” his voice was indeed disappointed._

_“I don't think so” he didn’t even say why and closed the door, having Yibo sitting beside him._

_“Boring!” Cao Wen yelled at him, but Xiao Zhan only waved through the window and left the parking. Once driving back to the residence, Yibo felt like talking again. “Excuse him, he's drunk. Usually, he's not that gushy” he apologized in behalf of his friend and Yibo shook his head with a grin._

_“Don't worry, drunk people are like that” the student overlooked not to make Xiao Zhan feel ashamed by Cao Wen even if he seemed as just apologizing to be polite. It was a suprising side of that man who was driving. How he was mixed with people who would be considered as bad influence, but still be polite enough to look after the rest around him not to create trouble. He found that admirable because Xiao Zhan was able to do what Yibo couldn’t. Having a balance between his personality and surroundings as friends, studies and work. That was why he was shy, silent and lonely. Because he didn’t know how to behave in each situation. So for a second, he envied him._

_Yet, when they started to fight in the water, he didn’t think about it twice and acted as he desired because somehow, being himself with Xiao Zhan wasn't complicated. It was scary, but once he overcame that fear, it was so easy to open up. Was that the meaning of being friends? Were they friends, though? Xiao Zhan had introduced him as such, but Yibo wasn't sure if he was just joking or being serious about it. That was why he turned his head, his eyes being fixed at that gorgeous side view and took a deep breath before asking with dubious voice. “Before... When we met Cao Wen, you said we are friends... Is it so?”_

_“Ah yes!” Xiao Zhan smiled warmly. “Well, I think we are starting to have a friendship, don't you think?” he clarified, leaving Yibo startled because now he was saying it, the shape of friendship was drawn between them in his mind, but somehow, it had a bittersweet taste._

_“Well, that'd be great” he didn’t confirmed it clearly, but agreed at least, so it was enough for Xiao Zhan to nod and stop the car beside the entrance of the residence. They had already arrived; Yibo didn’t want to say goodbye, though._

_“Thank you for bringing me here” he bowed slightly towards Xiao Zhan, who sighed bothered._

_“Stop with the bows!” suddenly, his head went to brush his hair rudely and Yibo froze as a puppy on his seat. His cheeks burned strongly. “If we are friends now, stop bowing, stop treating me as your senior and give me your WeChat before leaving” that man spoke up all straight and Yibo needed two seconds more to understand if he had really asked for keeping in contact more often through their phones. Hence, his eyes just kept staring at him, absolutely freaking out. “Don't you want?” however, because of his expression, Xiao Zhan doubted._

_“No! I mean I want. Here...” he tried to react as better as he could by grabbing his phone and showing his QR to his new friend, who scanned it and added him at the next second._

_“Perfect! Now I can remind you to end my essay everyday” he thought aloud with proud expression and Yibo panicked._

_“Don't you dare”_

_“Believe me I will. Now, go to change clothes before you get ill” that last sentece was said full of concern and seriousness that were lacked in tbe previous phrase. Hastily, his heart beat faster._

_“Yeah... I'll see you in class” Yibo opened the door and waved his hand to say goodbye, receiving a wave back with a warm smile._

_“It was nice to see you” suddenly, a soft voice reached his ears, followed by a deep gaze Yibo had never seen in Xiao Zhan, and right after saying this, the car started to go away after leaving a breathless man standing on the street with widened eyes. His whole body had goosebumps and his chest felt like exploding imminently. His hand grabbed his still-wet T-shirt over his heart and became a fist, needing it to stop or he would die by a hard, unknown feeling. What was happening to him? What was it so strong in him? Why was only Xiao Zhan? Weren't they friends? Then, why did Yibo yearn to be more than that urgently?_

*****

Lying on his bed, his head digging on his pillow not to uncover his face and show his red eyes. He didn’t want to cry. He refused to cry anymore for Xiao Zhan. It wasn't that Xiao Zhan didn't deserve his tears, it was that long time ago he had promised himself not to cry about that subject ever again. Yet there he was, in his room he had recovered finally after shouting at his roommate too because after all if Gao Qi hadn’t stolen his keys, he wouldn’t have slept with Xiao Zhan and he wouldn’t have found that keychain again. In conclusion, Xiao Zhan and he wouldn't have argued, he wouldn’t have shouted at his friend, he wouldn’t have left like that. So he kicked his roommate out of his bedroom to be alone during the evening because he didn’t feel like having dinner and stayed on his bed, remembering that day as if it had been yesterday and not more than a year ago.

Just the thoughts hurt. His words hurt. His actions hurt. The consequences hurt. Their actual situation hurt. Everything around him hurt because what happened in the past had never been sorted out. They just normalized it after. But sometimes, normalizing didn’t solve the problem, just covered them until one day they would appear again to be bigger and unstoppable. So somehow, Yibo understood what they covered back then had seen the light again and was damaging him even more than how it did at that time. Because during those days, he didn’t know too well what that overwhelming feeling inside of his chest was. However, today he knew he was completely in love with Xiao Zhan and even if what had happened that day would be repeated thousands of times, Yibo would be unable to hate him. Because after all, Xiao Zhan was the only one who could make him feel like that.

Alive.

That was why he sat on the bed and dried one of his temples by some rebel tear that escaped. With the bad timing that his roommate was coming inside at that moment. Yibo tried to act as normal, showing a serious expression and how bothered he was still with him, yet right after Gao Qi glanced at him, he figured him out. “Yibo, is something wrong?” he asked worried and approached him. However, the student turned around, feeling even worse his roommate was concerned because of his fault, so his anger grew up.

“Now you worry about me” he replied rudely, with husky voice by being dry. Nevertheless, that answer didn’t make that young boy insist without going backwards.

“I told you I’m really sorry for that. I regretted it the whole night, so please, forgive me” his friend begged with troubled face. Yibo knew he was saying the truth because Gao Qi was like that. He was a womanizer, but first, he had a gentle heart.

“Think before acting, then!” his voice was slightly raised as his anger grew up too. A part of him wanted to forgive him, but another part just blamed him for everything and being unable to stop that made him be even madder with himself.

“Don’t be so angry, you got to sleep at Xiao Zhan's place, right? So you should thank me-“

“Thank you?!” suddenly, Yibo turned around, his eyes being totally blooshot. “Why should I thank the one who screwed everything up?! Are you stupid?! YOU have all the guilt for this! So why don't you go to hell and leave me alone?!” his voice has been so loud probably the people in the following bedrooms and outside had heard him without trouble. That accompanied by those mean words, that left Gao Qi frozen on his spot with affected expression, could look as a complete selfish act on Yibo's behalf. However, how tears fell down his cheeks, how tearing his voice became in the last sentence and how helpless and scared he looked after having yelled like that, just made Gao Qi do a step forward towards Yibo.

“You're not okay, calm down, please” his voice, instead, was soft, eyes filled with concern and hands that were slightly shaking by the shock. Yibo saw all of that and understood he had lost his control. He had totally opened the door he had been trying to close for so long. Indeed, normalizing situations, words, feelings, actions was like doing nothing was happening and in those moments, Yibo felt better like pretending not to feel while hidding everything inside. However, after having hidden too much, the room inside of his mind was already too small for so much. It made everything burst. All flew off around and now Yibo could just look at how that behaviour had made himself break in that way. He had never realized the damage his own mind and body were receiving for not being honest with himself and with his surrounding. And now he started to see it all clearly, he only wondered one thing.

_How could I reach this state?_

Hence, he looked into Gao Qi's scared eyes and understood he needed to disappear from that room to calm down first. He didn’t want to look this vulnerable in front of his roommate. He had no shame to stay after having shouted that. That was why he set his gaze aside to be capable of muttering. “I-I’m sorry..” and right after, he dodged that shocked man to get out of that room, entering a hallway full of people who kept looking at him because of the shouts and also because he was crying more and more with every step he did. He couldn’t control that anymore. Yibo was unable to stop his tears. Unable to restrain his pain any second more. It hurt so badly he just needed it to cease. However, now everything was way more complicated and he was lost. So lost that when a hand grabbed him, Yibo turned around disoriented, finding Zhong Wei there, shocked by that expression of agony in Yibo.

“Dude, what's going on?” he asked, not letting him go away that easily. Yet the student only noticed how everyone was staring at him so he turned around to cover his aspect a bit. Zhong seemed as noticing that because he began to walk while dragging him. “Come with me” he just said that and Yibo, for any reason he didn’t know, followed him as a scared kid who had just lost his parents and needed to find them. He needed to find his path again.

Then, they entered an empty room and Zhong closed the door behind them. At that moment, Yibo noticed he would have to explain it to Zhong and for a second, he felt unable to do that. Thankfully, that older man approached him and patted his shoulder. “Do you need to cry? Do it. Until your lungs hurt as hell. I'll wait here if you need anyone listening to you” his voice sounded as serious and mature as Yibo had never heard him. Somehow, those words just made him feel even worse with himself and lowered his head to sob on his spot, lowly, painfully. It did hurt. But crying relieved it.

“I love Xiao Zhan...” suddenly, he spoke aloud. Those words were like removing the knife a bit and at least, a little more of fresh air entered his body. Although, Zhong was the breathless one there. “I’ve liked him since that day in the beach” he sobbed, understanding finally that overwhelming pressure inside of his chest. “Since that damn day” he sobbed, remembering how Xiao Zhan's acts were clear for him that day. “Why do I? Why do I have to love him? Why exactly him? I'm tired... I'm tired of loving him... It hurts...” he was a mess inside and outside, yet the agony in him was so strong he was unable to care about that at the moment. Yibo only cried under the frustrated and painful gaze of his friend, who for a second remained lost about what to say. However, he didn’t hesitate to approach and rub his back and hair softly, calming him down silently. Somehow, Yibo thanked him because he only needed to weep until he had no more tears inside. Until his throat would break. Until his lungs had no more strength to sob. So his heart would feel lighter without all those feelings chained and jailed, even if they weren't conveyed to the related person.

“Yibo, haven't you thought about talking with him?” hastily Zhong asked with soft voice. When Yibo's eyes were raised, he met two gentle pupils filled with empathy and gentleness.

“Many times...” he answered with his voice being broken by the weeping.

“Why don't you do it, then?” once again he was asked that. Why didn’t he do it? Why couldn’t he do that step? He pretended not to know it, but it was clear the answer.

“Because of these feelings, I almost lost him once, so I thought being friends was a better idea” he looked up not to cry anymore, yet one tear fell down purely as his words.

“I can understand it, but is it worth it?” Zhong asked him, opening a door in his mind he didn’t know it existed. “You’re stuck to a friendship that it's hurting you. Even if at first it looks as the best way to stay with him, Xiao Zhan has ended up being toxic for you” he explained, mentioning the word toxic beside Xiao Zhan, and for a second Yibo realized how right he was. How his actions had led him to the opposite side of his desires. He wanted to protect Xiao Zhan and the friendship they had, yet his feelings were so strong they turned that into a toxic behaviour because there was no day he didn’t think of him without pain. And now, he really wonder what he should do.

“Toxic...” he smiled painfully. It looked like a joke of fate.

“You have two options, cutting ties or confessing. But you need to move on” his friend talked clearly, clearer than no one else had ever talked to him. And Yibo realized he hadn't done a single step for himself, for his life, since Xiao Zhan appeared. So maybe it was time to move on with or without him.

“I'll think about it” Yibo nodded with red eyes and Zhong smiled softly to him.

“World never ends because of love, believe me” he patted his shoulder and, even if Yibo couldn’t agree completely, he remained in silence, not knowing what else to say. Then, he realized he was calmer. He had stopped crying and his body felt tired for that.

“I think I should go rest and apologize to Gao Qi...” Yibo spoke with regretful voice by remembering how loud he had yelled at his roommate. Indeed, now he thought about that and even if Gao Qi did wrong last night, he didn’t deserve such words.

“Okay, do you want me to accompany you?” Zhong asked him, as thoughtful as always. However, Yibo needed time alone to rethink many times about their friendship.

“No, it's fine. Thank you, Wei” he smiled to show he was better and the relief filled his friend's pupils. Then, the latter nodded and Yibo walked towards the door to go away. But suddenly, a question appeared in his mind, why hadn't he been surprised by his confession towards Xiao Zhan? Was he that obvious? Hence, he turned around. “One thing, how did you already know about my feelings for him?” his doubt was spoken aloud, getting an amused gaze.

“Cao Wen told me time ago” the tall man replied without hiding the fact their friends talked about them when they weren't present. Yet a detail highlighted in Yibo's mind.

“Since when are Cao Wen and you so close?” then, his gaze saw how Zhong looked away for a second.

“We've always been close, so don't worry” he retorted calmly so Yibo understood they only talked about it because they could keep it like a secret. Now, being asnwered, he could leave. Hence, he waved his hand and got out of that room.

Yibo walked through that hallway full of people, who stared at him sometimes. No one dared to ask him anything, but everyone's eyes on him were unbearable, so his legs walked faster towards the restroom and entered it to hide for a moment. Luckily, no one was inside so he washed his face and brushed a bit his hair to look as always, even if his eyes were still red and a bit swollen. However, the cold water helped and Yibo breathed deeply in front of the mirror. He just saw a lost boy returning the gaze shyly and fleetingly, he knew why Xiao Zhan couldn’t fall in love with him. He was still so young and immature while his friend wanted someone more stable and with clear ideas. Yibo was nothing like that. He still liked doing pranks, behaving like a teenager and doing stupid comments. Moreover, when he did all of that and Xiao Zhan was there too, he always saw a bothered face that proved how he disliked that immature side of him. That was why he smiled bitterly, understanding maybe the problem was himself.

Then, a group of men came into the restroom and Yibo decided to get out of there; he needed loneliness. Once again, he walked through the hallway, surrounded by people who still glanced at him for what had just happened half an hour ago. So, because he was getting anxious, he decided to return to his bedroom and talk with Gao Qi. His roommate deserved an apology for what he had said that evening. Hence, he headed towards there with fast steps, arriving in just a minute. Then, he opened the door, feeling ashamed for returning. However, when he took a look into the room, not only Gao Qi was there, sitting on his bed with his legs being crossed, but also Xiao Zhan was there, near Yibo's desk. So because of opening the door, those two men turned around to find him on the threshold, frozen by the shame in him and the fear of facing his friend again after having argued back in his apartment.

“You’re back” Gao Qi said relieved and stood up. “Are you better?” that was the first thing he asked and Yibo widened a bit his eyes. After what he had shouted at him, he didn’t deserve such words.

“Yeah...” he nodded embarrassedly. Then, one of his hands was rested on his roommate's shoulder. “Gao Qi, I'm sorry for what I-“

“Don't worry” that young man grabbed his hand and smiled. “You were mad because you argued with him, right?” he muttered between them and Yibo frowned, wondering how he knew about that.

“How did you...?”

“He came to bring you some papers and I asked him” he explained what had happened in that room without him and Yibo glanced at Xiao Zhan, who was standing there, looking at him with serious expression. Then, he knew they had to talk.

“I see. Do you mind to leave us alone for a while?” Yibo asked his roommate, still muttering because his voice would sound so dry otherwise.

“No, I'll be out until late because I'll go to a party, so take all the time you need” Gao Qi agreed with soft eyes. Immediately, Yibo felt so selfish for having acted like that when that man could behave so well with him after. So he smiled at him back and rubbed his hair.

“Thank you”

“Welcome” he grinned and looked behind. “See you too, Xiao Zhan” he bade farewell and closed the door Yibo had opened before. Now, once again they were alone in that room, looking at each other after having argued for second time in two years, and it wasn't like one of them really knew what to say, what to do or how to start that. If approaching, if sitting, if remaining like that. Both seemed as confused as the other and Yibo doubted what to do. What was the best between them? Cutting ties or confessing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Yibo's debut day!
> 
> For more ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.


	5. Uncontrol

_That shop was full of stuff, plushies, toys to buy about animals, donghua or manhua characters, food, cute accessories to wear as keychains. Everything was so nice to buy, yet he wanted something with at least a bit of meaning behind it. However, he couldn’t decide what he would like. He had praised his lion keychain, but there weren't more lions unluckily, so he had to choose other keychain or plushie. But what could he like? They didn’t know that much about each other. Hence, he continued looking around, searching for something he might like at first time. Then, his hand rubbed a bunny one. It was very soft, like him. So he grabbed it and told the women in the shop if he wanted to buy that one. She smiled kindly and asked him. “Gift for your girlfriend?” Yibo panicked right after._

_“No, no. For a friend” he clarified flushed by the embarrassment because after all, that keychain was for Xiao Zhan._

_“Sure” she chuckled lowly as if everyday she saw boys like him and did her job by returning some coins to him. “Thank you for buying!” then, he left the shop and looked at that bunny. He wondered if Xiao Zhan would like it. They would have matching keychains so it was risky yet very amusing to have. That was why he headed towards his college in search for Xiao Zhan. He couldn’t wait to give it to him._

_Unluckily, Xiao Zhan had already left the college that day, so he couldn’t find him on time. So he decided to send him a message to meet him as soon as possible because he couldn’t wait another second anymore. His new friend answered that night would be okay to meet at the back street of the main building. That felt weird because he thought they would meet next day in the hallways or in class, even in his bedroom. But that meeting felt so private and hidden Yibo couldn’t help but get nervous by going to see him again. That was why when he was heading towards the meeting place, his hands were sweating so much and his heartbeat was faster than usual. His mind wondered and wondered if he was going to like his gift. Yibo was so excited for it._

_Then, when he arrived, Xiao Zhan was waiting there already, only one streetlight illuminating that dark street no one usually walked through. He was leaned on the wall, but did a step forward when he saw Yibo arriving. They smiled at each other. “Hey, tell me what's so important” Xiao Zhan asked being very curious about what Yibo had for him. That was why the young man couldn’t handle it anymore and got a small packet out of his bag, the lion keychain moving on a side. Then, he handed it to Xiao Zhan, who looked surprised, but so excited for it._

_“This is for you... I wanted to thank you fot having brought me home the other day” he spoke lowly as his friend was opening the envelope carefully. Then, before that man could reply back, a white, cute bunny keychain appeared in front of his gaze. A big smile showed up in his face and touched it with his fingers as if he didn’t want to break it._

_“It... It wasn't needed...” his words carried his shock too, not being spoken smoothly. He was mesmerized by that present and Yibo was so happy for the reaction he was having. All he desired was he liked it._

_“I saw you liked mine so much so I thought about buying a lion too, but there weren't more. Then, I saw a bunny... Your smile is like a bunny so...” he explained embarrassed and more when Xiao Zhan fixed his gaze on him, full of tenderness and happiness._

_“Yibo, I wonder why you don't have a girlfriend yet. You're like the perfect guy everyone would like” Xiao Zhan commented without malice in it. However, Yibo looked away and felt like exposing himself._

_“I like boys, though...” he confessed, having admitted that fact in him time ago. Then, he saw how Xiao Zhan widened his eyes and removed his gaze hastily, looking nervous for some reason._

_“Ah, sorry” he chuckled. “Then, I wonder why you don't have a boyfriend yet” his comment was changed without a problem, showing he was accepting that in Yibo, without being scared or disgusted by it. So somehow, Yibo felt a relief in his chest that made him feel even happier that night._

_“I think I'm waiting for the right person” the student tried to dodge the conversation as good as he knew. Xiao Zhan, instead, looked as wanting to keep in it._

_“Then, I hope that person won't be jealous of our matching keychains” he joked while tying it up to his bag too._

_“That's impossible” Yibo answered without a glimpse of doubt in his voice and that captivated Xiao Zhan's attention. He raised his eyes like wanting to know why that was impossible, why he had replied in that way, what he meant. Yet he remained in silence, just approaching Yibo to grab both keychains and see how beautiful they were together. Then, both friends laughed._

_“Thank you so much” abruptly, Xiao Zhan changed subject and smiled at Yibo, leaving him totally hypnotized easily._

_“No need too” his voice was low and shy. That was why the older man smiled tenderly and rubbed his hair._

_“I already have to go, sorry. But I'm glad I came” his soft fingers continued touching his hair gently as their eyes met. For a second, Yibo felt like grabbing that hand and kissing that man in front of him, but he looked aside, controlling his desires because after all, Xiao Zhan was his senior and sometimes teacher too._

_“It’s okay... I see you in class” Yibo said goodbye with a satisfied smile and his friend removed his hand unluckily._

_“See you too” then, the student saw how that man walked away, with that bunny moving as he did another step until getting in his car and driving back to his apartment. Then, Yibo leaned on the wall and handled his wish of shouting by the happiness in him. He breathed deeply and smiled as just a few times in his life. He had accepted it..._

_*****_

_Some weeks passed by since that night when Xiao Zhan received his gift and they always looked at each other's keychain with a smile because wherever they went, those lion and bunny accompanied them. Their friendship improved so much too, they even met out of school some evenings and Yibo went to Xiao Zhan's apartment once as well. Without searching for that, they had found a big support in one another and those keychains became their way to show their connection, their friendship. Even for Yibo, his feelings. The ones he had developed since the beach day slowly for Xiao Zhan until liking him to the bone. However, his friend had never tried again another attempt to kiss him as that day and Yibo wondered if that had just been the beginning of a mistake between them for the situation. So in the end, he didn’t care about it too much._

_Hence, he continued carrying his feelings in secret until knowing if Xiao Zhan shared them or not. Meanwhile, they progressed in their trust and confidence a lot. So much that even people around them started to notice and in just a single week, especially girls began to talk about them constantly. To follow them or even ask for the keychains they were wearing on their bags. At first, Xiao Zhan and Yibo were nice to them, but after the constant, stalked behaviour, they decided to ignore them or they would gain more and more attention. Until one day, Yibo went to meet Xiao Zhan as a surprise in his apartment and when he sat on his couch, he noticed his bag, on the floor, didn’t have his keychain anymore. A puncture of pain crossed his heart._

_“And your keychain?” Yibo asked while frowning, watching how Xiao Zhan looked as panicking suddenly when he sat beside him. What did that mean?_

_“I'm afraid it may get lost so I save it in the small pocket” he explained, although it sounded like a complete excuse to cover the real reason._

_“You weren't scared of that until today” the young man frowned, noticing he had always been okay with wearing it hanging from his bag until those last days._

_“I've been thinking about that for some time” Xiao Zhan added to his story, but Yibo knew that wasn't the truth, and that fact made him be angrier._

_“Are you going to tell me the truth or continue lying?” that question was done clearly while looking at his eyes and Xiao Zhan set his aside, lowering his head as his hands played with his fingers nervously._

_“People are talking about the keychains too much” finally, he confessed and Yibo raised one of his commissures with frustration._

_“Since when do you care about people?” his voice turned bitter and Xiao Zhan felt that._

_“Since it may affect us in the college. We sometimes can't walk without being chased by a group of girls” his friends tried to explain his reasons to hide the keychain, yet for Yibo, his anger was controlling his capability of understanding him._

_“I can fix that. I can tell them to go away” his words were spoken more aggressively, though._

_“I don't want you to get into trouble because-“_

_“You don't wear the keychain because of them, but when I try to fix it, you don't let me. Enlighten me what I should do, then” his eyes pierced Xiao Zhan's gaze harshly by how bothered Yibo was and for a second, he didn’t know what else to say._

_“Isn’t it enough?” he asked hastily. Then, as Yibo frowned for not having understood that, Xiao Zhan clarified. “Knowing you and I have it, isn't it enough? Do you want everyone to see it? Do you need everyone proving we are friends?” his voice was starting to be agitated too because until that day, they never had argued. Not even once._

_“I don't need that” he shook his head in disbelief for his words._

_“Then, why do you care so much if I wear it hanging or inside of a pocket?” Xiao Zhan counterattacked with his words, hitting the main spot of Yibo's anger and once that was switched on, he didn’t control anything anymore._

_“Because it's like you're hiding me!” he stood up, needing more space than a simple couch, and turned around to calm down because he didn’t want to shout at him._

_“What are you saying?” Xiao Zhan was also getting heated up by that argument and that only provoked Yibo to stop being that nice, shy boy with his friend. He had matured since they met._

_“Are you ashamed of being my friend?” suddenly, that question showed up and they both looked at each other. Xiao Zhan seemed horrified of hearing that._

_“What-? Yibo, you're misundertanding-“_

_“I’m not misunderstanding anything. Tell me if you-“_

_“I can't believe how stubborn you are sometimes!” abruptly, his friend yelled at him while standing up and walking toward him. Then, Yibo got even madder after listening to that. “Are you seriously thinking I'm ashamed of you because of a fucking keychain?!” he spat on his face carelessly, already out of his limits. Yibo, instead, didn’t feel smaller for that._

_“And what if I care about that keychain?!” Yibo retorted, being even closer to Xiao Zhan without leaving his eyes a second. The pain of that argument didn’t let him look away._

_“That you're a kid!” he yelled. Then, silence filled that room. Silence filled them too. Only their pupils stayed gazing at each other._

_“Ah. Now I get it” Yibo chuckled because suddenly, it was like a knife had been stabbed on his back. “You don't want people to see you with a kid, right?” his voice became softer, just gulping, not only his saliva, but also the pain and rage in him._

_“That's not...”_

_“Yeah, I'm misunderstanding you again” he smiled bitterly, filled with rage, and he walked towards Xiao Zhan's bag. He opened the pocket and grabbed that bunny, the keychain that reflected not only their friendship, but also his feelings for him. Then, he returned to that man, who was frowning deeply by his behaviour._

_“What are you doing?” he asked harshly. Slowly, Yibo placed it in his hand._

_“You can throw it away” he didn’t know how he could say that without breaking, without losing a tear, without removing that calm face. He didn’t know how he could touch his hand like that, as gentle as always, because Xiao Zhan was still meaning so much for him._

_“Wait, Yibo” his other hand grabbed him and their gazes crashed once again in a tense ambient. “I'm not going to throw it away” he spoke with low voice, yet he looked so confused and hurt. Maybe, as Yibo himself. But as the latter thought it was impossible Xiao Zhan could be hurt for that, he just broke that grip._

_“I’m going to throw away mine, so you won't be connected to a kid anymore” his words were mean, but not as much as Xiao Zhan's. He was sure nothing he could say would overcome that. Because after all, Yibo wasn't sure his friend considered him as he did anymore._

_“You're so stupid sometimes...” he shook his head in disbelief and all the young man could do was smiling bitterly while nodding._

_“Right?” then, because of his answers, because of his calmness while arguing, because of his rejection with their hands, because of his intentions to throw his keychain away, Xiao Zhan frowned deeply, frustration filled his being as fast as the light speed. And in a moment of maximum rage, he grabbed that bunny tightly and walked until a window near to open it and throw the keychain as far as his arm could. At that moment, Yibo's face got paler. Actually, no matter how many times he was saying it, he never thought he was able to do it in the end. That was why watching how it was impossible Xiao Zhan could recover it, Yibo understood that was what he meant for that man. Nothing._

_“Are you happy now?!” Xiao Zhan turned around, looking at him with pupils injected in pain. “Are you satisfied now?!” he continued yelling at that student, who remained speechless. “If you are, go away! You and your fucking keychain! I'm done with you, you're just a kid! Caring about the way I wore it... Why does it matter as long as I treasure it?! You understand nothing!” Xiao Zhan spat everything out, without a filter, without control, without anything that could stop him from showing Yibo how wrong he had been. That was why, after all of that, the student just felt that knife deeper and deeper, being turned to a side to create even more pain. However, he didn’t know who was the one moving it anymore, if Xiao Zhan or he himself with his insecurities, his fears and his restrained feelings._

_Hence, because he understood how they couldn’t talk properly, Xiao Zhan had thrown it away, showing how their friendship were done, hearing what he really thought about him, understanding how much Yibo disturbed him sometimes. Then, he also realized the reason why Xiao Zhan had never tried to kiss him again and it was because once he knew him better, there was no way he could continue liking him. How could he like such a kid? A temperamental kid that spoke things without listening to the explanations, making his own conclusions up and not wanting to discuss anything else. There was no way Xiao Zhan would ever like him being that. So it was clear what he had to do from now on._

_Disappear._

_At the next second he could react, the last thing he saw was a tear on Xiao Zhan's cheek before grabbing his bag and running away from that apartment. He ran as fast as he could. Through the streets, dodging the people on it. He just ran wanting to escape from what he had just done. He wanted to undone it. To redo it. To wear those keychains even if they were hidden. But just to be friends in their way. And he didn’t see all of that until he couldn’t go backwards. That was why he stopped beside a trash bin and grabbed his lion to tear it from the chain, seeing how the filling got out a bit from its head because he had broken it. Then, his hand was going to drop it into that bin full of trash, as if his feelings wouldn’t be more than that, just trash to throw away. However, he couldn’t. He was unable to throw them away. He was unable to consider them as trash. Because after all, Xiao Zhan had created them inside of his heart. So his hand grabbed that lion tightly before walking again through that street. He saved it in his pocket, deciding that was how his love towards that man would remain._

*****

Being in that room, looking at each other, once again after arguing because of the same thing, Yibo approached him and leaned his both hands on his desk, filled with books, papers and stuff around. Then, he found two papers with Xiao Zhan's handwriting on it too and he understood those were the summary he had done for him as long as he had missed two lessons. Maybe that was just his reason to come here and he would leave as soon as he delivered it. However, Xiao Zhan remained there, beside him, perhaps waiting for some words to be spoken aloud and melt that frozen ambient. The bad thing was that Yibo didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to start that chat. He didn’t know how to apologize for his words, that weren't as mean as the first time they argued. Everything seemed worse, though. Xiao Zhan and he had already lived too much together so now choosing the right words to fix that was harder than never. Mainly because he words his mind and his heart wanted to say were different. Rationality was fighting against feelings once again. And fleetingly, he remembered Zhong's words.

Cutting ties or confessing, but you need to move on.

“You forgot the summary” Xiao Zhan cut his thoughts off. “I leave now” he spoke lowly, already walking towards the door. However, Yibo grabbed his hand once again. That man didn’t turn around, but didn’t remove his grip either. It was soft and warm. So Yibo's thumb rubbed his skin slowly.

“Don’t leave” he asked with serious voice. “Let's talk about it” Yibo proposed, being unsure of Xiao Zhan's answer. Maybe, he would send him to hell or he would accept. Then, that man glanced at him and dropped his hand before sitting on his bed, wanting to talk too, but without saying a single word. Yibo couldn’t complain, that was a start. Hence, he approached and sat beside him too. “I'm sorry for... having shouted at you” his voice was low, as if a kid was apologizing full of embarrassment. Of course he was ashamed. They always ended up arguing because of the keychains. And their problem was that they couldn’t talk properly.

“Don't worry” Xiao Zhan retorted briefly and the silence echoed in that room once again. Both were lost and scared. It was evident in their expressions. Hence, Yibo turned a bit by raising his leg on the bed so they would face one another.

“We left that subject as a taboo between us, but we never fixed it properly. Don't you think it's time for us to close it?” Yibo asked his friend with zero doubt in his eyes and Xiao Zhan couldn’t look away when those pupils reflected how pure his intentions were.

“I think it's time, yes” he accepted with still brief answers, but it was something Yibo had to take advantage of. That was why he decided to be as frank as he could.

“Why did you hide it back then?” that was the first question he wanted to know yet Xiao Zhan looked reticent to explain him why.

“Still with that?” his reply was defensive so Yibo tried not to start that path again.

“Open up with me. I just want to understand you, this time for real” his voice was soft, combined with his hand grabbing Xiao Zhan's tenderly. He didn’t know what else to do for showing he didn’t mean to hurt him anymore or argue. But only understanding that decision he had.

“Do you trust me?” suddenly, that man asked him with a worried expression and Yibo frowned.

“Of course I do” he didn’t doubt that, what seemed as relieving his friend.

“Then, believe me when I say I did it to protect you. So please, don't ask about it anymore” while saying that, he looked away, as if the fact he had to hide that was hurting him too. Then, it was when Yibo understood the possibility of Xiao Zhan being unable to tell him. However, that implied it had to be something serious, that was why he couldn’t help but be concerned about it.

“Protect me?” his surprise was evident. Yet Xiao Zhan remained silent. “What do you-?”

“Yibo” his voice got sharper, looking into his eyes, piercing them to make him stop asking. The student saw how important that subject was that he decided to shut up regarding the matter and continuing solving stuff.

“Okay... But why didn’t you tell me you had recovered the bunny?” he continued with his doubts, wanting to know every single detail. Still Xiao Zhan didn’t look too willing to talk about that.

“As I said, you threw away yours, right? So nothing would change if I still had it” he explained with low voice, as if he was embarrassed for saying that. That was a detail that Yibo liked unreasonably.

“You threw it away through a window. It was technically impossible to find it again, how did you-?”

“Why are you asking so much?” Xiao Zhan raised his face to scold him like that, yet Yibo checked his ears and they were red. Without knowing why, he smiled, shocking that man in front of him excessively. “What's so funny?” he complained, seeing back that Xiao Zhan Yibo knew and loved, so relief filled his chest. And without controlling himself too well, he decided to tease him for a while.

“Xiao Zhan, why do you get so shy when it's about me?” he raised one of his eyesbrows, admiring how that man started to panic as always.

“Stop playing. Aren't we angry and solving this?” he tried to divert his attention to that. However, Yibo needed to feel close with Xiao Zhan rather than solving what he knew they wouldn’t ever be able to solve. And playing was his best tool.

“Are we still angry, though?” he asked, still grabbing his hand and waiting for an answer with naughty eyes. Indeed, he wasn't angry. He had never been angry in fact. He had just been horribly frustrated with his friend's silence and his own mistakes. And he knew Xiao Zhan wasn't angry anymore. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come to his room in first place.

“Of course I'm angry!” he pretended so poorly Yibo chuckled so loudly. His good mood seemed like contagious because Xiao Zhan had to look away to hide his smile. However, Yibo left his hand to touch his chin and return to have a full view of his expression. That made him kneel on the bed to be able to reach it so when Xiao Zhan gazed at him back, their faces were so close. Their smiles disappeared swiftly and that tension Yibo loved and hated at the same time returned. What he couldn’t have ever imagined was that Xiao Zhan would move forwards to kiss his lips. Yibo widened his eyes, looking how that man closed his to enjoy that. It was simple, just a soft suck on his lower lip before separating slowly. Then, the older man didn’t go backwards, he stayed right in front of Yibo, their noses touching and their breaths being mixed. Also, his hand was still on his chin, rubbing it tenderly while reading what was going on inside of Xiao Zhan, yet he understood nothing.

“Isn't this how you say thank you...?” his voice was husky after kissing and Yibo felt like dying at that moment. Why was Xiao Zhan doing that exactly that day? Why was he kissing him exactly after figuring out he still had the keychain? Why was he following his games? What was happening to Xiao Zhan that evening? Yibo couldn’t answer to anything of that. And he hadn't got the enough patience to ask those questions while being this close. He lacked so much will when it was about that man, who refused to return his heart to him. That was why Yibo was only able to do what he had always done beside Xiao Zhan.

“And why are you thanking me?” he muttered over his lips, unable to believe he was doing that indeed. Without alcohol, without having an external stimulus, without anything that could interfere in their decision.

“For wanting to understand me” he answered without moving from his spot, confirming he wanted to remain like this. And Yibo started to think which were Xiao Zhan's real feelings towards him. That was why he followed Lulu's advice and he acted before asking again. His lips trapped his friend's softly, doing a wet sound that only they could hear. Then, they separated after a few seconds to check the other's reaction, as if they weren't sure it would be positive.

“Then, I thank you too” Yibo spoke with husky voice, staying as close as before.

“Why, though?” Xiao Zhan continued that even if the student was clueless about his steps.

“For bringing me the summaries” any excuse to kiss was fine at that moment. He was able to kiss him and say after he was thankful for the sun coming out that morning, he just needed another excuse to taste those lips over and over again.

“We will run out of excuses soon” Xiao Zhan hid a naughty grin and Yibo decided to throw the dices on the table, leaving to fate the fact of winning or losing.

“Then, don't stop so we won’t need any more” after speaking that, his hand covered his whole cheek and his lips kissed him harsher than before. This time they didn’t remain still, they moved rhythmically, filling that room with wet sounds provoked by their salivas mixing when even their tongues met once again. Exactly for doing the step of going further, Yibo felt like touching the heaven with his fingertips already. He felt as finally tasting the forbidden apple. Eating it wholly. Mainly because he didn’t know if he would be able to taste it again. That was why, without leaving his mouth, his both hands went to grab his white shirt to open it slowly, not feeling any type of resistance, what was more, Xiao Zhan's hands went to touch his waist shyly. Everything that looked as approvals coming from that man felt like gasoline over the fire. The more he did, the more he couldn’t stop. So when he removed his shirt finally, showing that torso with soft belly, Xiao Zhan broke the kiss because he was raising his T-shirt as well to take it off and let them half naked, being breathless by endless kisses.

“Wait, and Gao Qi?” suddenly, a hand was placed over his chest to do a brief pause.

“He won't come back until late, don't worry” Yibo reassured him before making him lie down on the bed while getting stuck on his lips for the nth time. His movements weren't controlled by his mind anymore, he just placed his body over that man to feel his heat against his skin, to feel how he trapped Xiao Zhan against the mattress, to be able to suck his neck painfully while one of his legs was pressed between his friend's thighs. At the same time, he started to hear small gasps echoing in those four walls due to his actions and that just made him go even wilder because he hadn't ever listened to such erotic sounds in his life. If before he felt as touching the heaven, now he was sure of being in it. The joy, the satisfaction, were especially high, so much he didn’t know they could go higher until that man decided to return the touches with his hands. That just confirmed him Xiao Zhan was kind of restraining himself for some reason. Hence, he needed to be bolder to make him forget anything outside of that room.

Yibo started to move harder, to rub their bodies harsher, to suck his skin harder, to bite two round, pink zones of his chest mercilessly, he didn’t care about doing all of that because when he looked back at those eyes, Xiao Zhan showed a beast inside of him. He showed how affected he could be, how that wasn't just created by Yibo. Both were enjoying that moment, not really wanting an end for it. That was why the student trapped his wrists against the sheets and moved his hips harder, just hating how their trousers were disturbing them already. And like that, gasping together, looking at each other and needing to be even closer, Xiao Zhan set one of his hands free to lower it through his spine until reaching the edge of his trousers and getting it inside. Yibo closed his eyes when he felt filled up. Even his voice couldn’t help but whine thinking that started to look more like a dream instead of the reality. His body needed to stop if Xiao Zhan was doing that because his limbs trembled slightly. He never knew that could feel so good, he never knew Xiao Zhan could do that while maintaining such a hot expression. And probably that was what drove him crazy.

“Zhan-ge, put another one in...” he gasped while leaning his forehead over the older man's and immediately he felt the sweetest pleasure travelling through his body completely. Yibo thought he was going to faint at that moment if Xiao Zhan continued doing that to him. He thought that wasn't sane. His sensations weren't sane. However, he knew he was totally wrong when that man under him left him empty to open his trousers. In that position, it was complicated, that was why Yibo sat and ended that task by himself, removing every lower clothes on him and proving Xiao Zhan how much he desired him every second of his life. For a second, his friend just bit his lower lip while glancing at his naked body, as if male anatomy was totally unknown for him, as if he didn’t know how excited a man could be, as if Xiao Zhan didn’t expect that. But Yibo had been dreaming about touching him like this so many nights he got used to react like this. However, when his friend got naked too, showing he was in the same condition as him, Yibo had the same reaction. It was a mix of surprise and maximum excitation towards what his eyes were enjoying visually. Did that mean Xiao Zhan was also attracted by him?

Only that thought sent adrenaline to his whole body, provoking that his dirtiest face would show up easily after reaching such a part with Xiao Zhan, who remained lying on the bed with Yibo sitting over his thighs. It was the perfect position to continue what he had begun with his hands moments earlier. His mouth let some saliva fell over the hottest part of his friend and he spread it with his hand, moving with his eyes stuck on that expression that wanted to remain emotionless, but failed completely when it throbbed in his hand along with a gasp. Yibo smirked and raised his hips to make what he had dreamed during years come true. The pain was so unbearable, but so sweet at the same time. He thought he was addictive to that. He was addictive to the physical pain Xiao Zhan could create in him. That was why, no matter if that was his first time in two years, he sat over him wholly, feeling how they were like a puzzle of only two pieces, fitting perfectly together. Then, he glanced at that man under him, who was nailing his thighs by being so tight around him. So, even if it hurt as hell, he clenched his insides, admiring how that man arched his back slightly, looking so helpless with such an expression.

“Yibo...” he whined with husky voice and the student couldn’t help but feel so satisfied a fleeting smile appeared on his face. That was why he started to move his hips so slowly as if he was torturing Xiao Zhan. Just to hear once more his name begged like that. His hands were leaned on his belly to provoke more pleasure that annulled every cell in his being. That was insane, what he was feeling on thet bed couldn’t be compared to any of his other sexual experiences. Maybe, he understood that was the difference between having sex and making love. And just the simple thought of being making love with Xiao Zhan created a hard pressure in his chest that made him move armless, going faster as two hands left scratches all over the sides of his hips. He didn’t know why, but his body were experiencing two types of pain. The one that allowed him to drive Xiao Zhan crazy and the one that made him realize the meaning behind those actions over that bed. And for an instant, the second pain disappeared when that man sat to hug his body and torture his neck harshly. Yibo wrapped his arms around his neck, grabbing his hair to keep that hot mouth over his skin, hopefully creating a big mark that would show everyone he had an owner.

Hence, he moved faster, forgetting if he did that, the end would arrive eventually. But his mind was blocked by the pleasure, he was drunk by love, his body was addicted to that man. What else could he do rather than succumbing to the desire? He was unable to stop, nor even to look into his eyes while moaning by the pain. That gaze over him, figuring out his deepest longings about Xiao Zhan, just turned him on even more, allowing him to go further as long as the older man would follow him. However, he wondered how far he would reach if Yibo asked him. He had the temptation right in front of him, yet he hesitated because he had felt Xiao Zhan restrained for the whole evening. He wondered why. He wondered if he was the key to set him free as well. That was why his friend invited him to possess him as both would like. “Please, do it...” Yibo lay down, attracting Xiao Zhan with an arm to show what he meant. He wanted him to control his whole being, to be at his mercy, to become one on that bed over and over again. So when that man stayed startled, Yibo kissed him after a long time and he felt how Xiao Zhan was succumbing too. He felt how his hands grabbed his hips to raise them, how his lips sucked his lower one harder than never, how he was filled with just one fast move that made him moan loudly against his mouth, how his only way to handle that was scratching his back.

Yibo was so wrong thinking that was all Xiao Zhan had to offer to him. At that moment, his restless hips were making him get drowned in a sea of pleasure without any option of surviving. He was going down and down, not even trying to swim up. His weakness became evident and Xiao Zhan took advantage of that right after discovering it. Meanwhile, Yibo thanked him for being covering his mouth with constant kisses because like that his loud whines were being muffled. Otherwise, everyone around that room would perfectly know what they were doing inside. He was unable to control his voice, he was unable to stop his nails going deeper in his skin, he was unable to ask Xiao Zhan for a break, he was unable to think anymore. And all was because he was being Xiao Zhan's property at that moment and he was adoring it with his soul.

That was why, totally immersed into the endless heaven provoked by that man, he didn’t notice how his friend’s mouth went to spoke beside his ear. “You’re... only... mine...” those words made him shake in his arms even more that, accompanied by Xiao Zhan kneeling and grabbing his legs to be as harsh as possible, it was the perfect combination to make Yibo grab the edge of his bed as his body exploded into a gorgeous climax with Xiao Zhan as witness. All his senses decided to die for a second while his muscles got so tight he thought they were going to break. Meanwhile, his friend didn’t stop until reaching the same limit inside of him, prolonging that sweet agony, he doubted he was going to forget easily. Luckily after that, everything calmed down as fast as it arrived and that heat disappeared, just leaving their bodies covered with sweat and liquids that were the proof of what they had just done over that bed.

Then, right after ending, Xiao Zhan moved out of Yibo and sat on the bed, just allowing him to watch his naked back. He had reacted faster than Yibo, who breathed deeply and looked at the ceiling wondering if that was real and not just another of his dreams. However, when that man stood up to dress up after cleaning himself with some wipes, Yibo knew he had to check what that meant for them and their friendship. If that still existed between them. That was why he sat too, but felt something going down through his belly. His gaze looked at it and noticed it was real. They did it. He hadn't just woken up. So internally screaming, he got some wipes and cleaned his body as he could. Nevertheless, when he stood up, he felt so wet in his butt and remembered Xiao Zhan didn’t wear a condom or got out before ending, so completely flushed, he leaned on his nightstand and cleaned between his buttocks, removing the proof of his friend's lust. He bit his lower lip, needing to repeat it as soon as possible. However, when he looked at Xiao Zhan, the latter was half naked, his head facing the opposite wall as he couldn’t look at him after having done the last step between them.

“Do that when I leave, please” his friend asked with low, dry voice and Yibo stopped, wondering if he was so affected by watching him cleaning his body from his lack of control. That was why, having good experience with showing his in-love side evidently, he went further.

“Why?” he approached and made him turn around; Xiao Zhan was shirtless, but he was totally naked yet. “Don’t you want a second round?” he smirked while getting closer to his lips as his hands were feeling his soft skin from his shoulders and pectorals. However, Xiao Zhan looked away, but never broke their closeness.

“No, Yibo...” he seemed as not knowing what to answer and the younger man understood he had to give him time. “I may already hurt you enough, I don't-“

“Ah, so if we had lube...” Yibo chuckled naughtily, catching his idea swiftly. Moreover, Xiao Zhan panicked by talking too much. “One day...” his hands caressed his face and went to kiss him. This time without any single chance to escape. And as Yibo predicted, that kiss was returned even deeper. He felt his body surrounded by two arms around his waist and that heat ran through his veins once again. None of them wanted to stop because they knew the end would come after and, even if they made a lot of steps, Yibo was sure they would keep as friends. That was why, when their mouths separated, he listened to that lost man in front of him.

“Yibo... There won't be another day...” his eyes didn’t dare to stare into his and that was what made Yibo not believe those words.

“Stop trying to lie to me and also to yourself, Zhan-ge” suddenly, he spoke, raising his chin and meeting two painful eyes. Why was he suffering so much? Why was he unable to accept that?

“But I need us to remain as friends” that sentence was spoken aloud in a second of weakness and Yibo couldn’t even blink. Why? That was his only question in his mind. Why had Xiao Zhan got that need of being just friends? And why didn't he want to tell him? Yibo was so clueless, but at the same time, his choice was respecting his space.

“And we are” he retorted with serious expression. Then, his hands around his waist became ruder. “If that's what you need, we can be just friends” Yibo clarified when he saw Xiao Zhan looked away. “However...” then, that lost gaze went up again. “Don’t blame me if I need this...” a soft peck covered his lips. “...everyday...” that word was said over his mouth before continuing kissing, making that encounter longer and longer as no one of them wanted to leave, to stop, to return to hide what they felt because at that moment, both were free. And freedom felt so good.

Then, Xiao Zhan broke the kiss to talk. “Okay, but only in private” he accepted, fact Yibo never expected to hear in his life. He thought his friend would continue doing that without rejecting it, but also without accepting it. Yet he had agreed. And even if as always Xiao Zhan wanted to hide themselves, Yibo knew if he became selfish at that point, all the steps they had done would disappear in a blink.

“It’s already enough” his smile lighted Xiao Zhan's face a bit, who looked relieved for some reason. Then, that person also separated to grab his shirt and wear it, showing how he was going to leave soon. Hence, Yibo dressed his underwear at least before grabbing his hand to call his attention. “Why don't you stay?” he pouted and Xiao Zhan looked at him, his eyes showing a different type of happiness.

“Because with Gao Qi, it's not private anymore” he explained as if they hadn't kissed, as if they hadn't made love, as if they hadn't showed their needs to each other. As if everything was the same and that made Yibo happy. Happier than he thought.

“Then, take me to your apartment and we can play a while more...” his voice got dirtier as his gaze and Xiao Zhan chuckled at the next second.

“Better if you study” his rejection was clear, but Yibo never gave up.

“But now that I have you, I want to enjoy you...” his comment was naïve, but it made that man become tense all of sudden.

“Have me?” Yibo even saw fear in his pupils.

“I’m yours, right?” he remembered his words at the end and that made Xiao Zhan look away as if he was too embarrassed to talk about that. “Then, you're mine too” Yibo spoke naturally, showing his property. He had decided not to shut up anymore. He had decided to move on with him. Because if he did without him, Yibo knew that wouldn’t be living anymore neither.

“Wang Yibo, seriously...” he said his full name and that just meant he was too embarrassed. “You should know there are some things that are better to not speak up” Xiao Zhan scolded him without looking at his eyes.

“Xiao Zhan, you should know I always say what I think” their chat continued as Yibo ended up getting dressed up, wanting to tease him for a while too.

“That’s why I love talking with you” suddenly, his counterattack was done seriously and Yibo got shocked for a second. Because after, that man smiled at him shyly and approached the door. “See you tomorrow?” hastily, his voice spoke that, as if that question was deeper than just a farewell. And Yibo understood he was also asking if tomorrow everything would be fine between them. That was why he nodded and smiled warmly.

“See you tomorrow” after this, Xiao Zhan returned a calm grin and left the room, closing the door softly and letting him be alone again. That made Yibo finally stop hiding his real reaction and closed his eyes tightly not to shout yet. He approached his bed and threw himself on it, smelling the sheets, smelling his scent, smelling their sweats created by their passion. That had been real. Those kisses, those caresses, those words, those smiles. It had happened. After two hellish years, it had happened. And Yibo didn’t know if to laugh, to cry, to shout, to do all of that at the same time. He didn’t know how to react because he had moved on, but still there was a long path to walk and doubts came to his mind.

What if Xiao Zhan got scared and left him? What if he himself got scared and broke ties? What if doing all of that without settling something was a bad idea? What if they would never become boyfriends as a couple despite kissing and making love? Why had Xiao Zhan got so many doubts and fears? What was he hiding? What was restraining him constantly? What wasn't letting them move forward as just another normal couple? Their own insecurities or something external Yibo had no idea it existed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.


	6. Confrontation

_“Xiao Zhan! Congratulations! You've been selected as one of the main students to practice with Wang Fengli!” his teacher came filled with happiness for him, for having accomplished a task that not many students got ever to win. Xiao Zhan had been working so hard just to be able to become Wang Fengli's disciple in that university, so those news were like an injection of pride, motivation and like a reward after so many years having that as goal. He admired that teacher, one of the best artists and teachers in the Art circle in China. And he got to work with him._

_“Oh my... Thank you so much!” his voice was shaking, his hands were sweating, his head was kind of spinning. Everything seemed so unreal he didn’t know what was going on anymore. He actually won one of the most complicated steps in the Art world. He had no more words than grateful sentences._

_“Go now to his department! He wants to see you” the teacher gave him that important message and Xiao Zhan panicked because he didn’t know what to say or do in front of such a person. However, that chance was one in a lifetime, that was why he bowed deeply to that person, who had accompanied him the last year, and headed to that place when one of his references was waiting for him._

_In the path, he was stopped by several girls who wanted to hit on him as everyday, yet he was hurrying so didn’t pay any attention to them and tried to dodge the ones who got offended by that. Maybe, what he had been doing the last three years about getting a different girl each day had never been a good idea. Yet, because of the stupid of Zhong Wei, he kept pushing himself, thinking that was what college meant in his private side. And after all, he wasn't too bothered, but when they chasing him. He wanted some space. Hence, he walked faster, knowing the department was right after the next door. His hand knocked on it softly and he heard a voice coming from the inside, inviting him to enter the room. So luckily, leaving all those crazy women behind, he could close the door and gaze at one of the most admirable people for Xiao Zhan in his mind._

_“So you are Xiao Zhan, right?” he grinned, with calm eyes, but a strange aura around him. The student gulped and nodded totally nervous._

_“Yes, sir” his reply tried to be as polite as possible, but Fengli laughed._

_“Don’t be so scared, take a seat” this man offered with a hand and immediately, Xiao Zhan left his bag on the floor and sat in front of that man in his forties. He had very short, dark hair, with tired eyes and a mouth that reflected the smile he didn’t see in his pupils. Seeing him in television and conferences was completely different to meeting him in person and in private. And for a second, Xiao Zhan felt disappointed. “As you may already know, I chose you to be my disciple” he explained with his characteristic voice, soft and calm._

_“Yes, thank you so much” he needed to say that as long as that looked as a chance among a million._

_“Don't thank me. You won't want to thank me after listening to the rules you have to follow from now on” then, his smile got wider and the student frowned, a bad feeling crossing his spine. “First, don't be late, neither to prepare the lessons nor to the lesson itself. Second, if I say it's white, then it's white. And third, no private relationships with any student of this college; if you're going to teach with me, you have to act as a real teacher and romantic relationships are completely forbidden. If one of these is broken, then... Well, you can no longer work with me and if it's the third rule, the lucky one will be kicked out of this college too” he explained with a gentle voice that barely reach the sarcasm. Xiao Zhan understood the first and second, but he opposed to the third rule because he was still a student, why couldn’t he find someone in that college?_

_“I’m sorry if I offend you, sir... But I think the third rule mixes my professional life with my private life and I'm really against that” Xiao Zhan tried to bargain about that. However, he understood that man was actually playing with him._

_“Exactly because of that, boy.You're very famous for being a womanizer and that won't help you. You have to get used to this or it won't be me who will teach you” that man obligated him to choose and, even if Xiao Zhan thought that wasn't what he was expecting from that man, indeed he could open all the doors for him in his future career. That was why he was going to accept. Also, maybe stopping that childish behaviour would be a good choice after all. It looked kind of boring, though._

_“Okay, sir...” his voice wasn't low. He wasn't intimidated by that person. Not anymore. Xiao Zhan had always had him in the top, yet that meeting had made him open his eyes regarding that person. Even if his brain could be exceptional, his values and behaviour were so poor and unpolite. “Now, if you excuse me, I'll return to my bedroom” that was why he needed to get out of there as soon as possible. He stood up, bowed and picked his stuff up to approach the door without looking back even once. Not even when his voice surprised him._

_“You’re very interesting...” that compliment echoed in his ears, but he didn’t want to even say thank you because after all he didn’t feel grateful for anything._

*****

His mind was being a mess at that moment. He had just returned home and thrown himself over the bed, touching the sheets as if he was still touching his skin. Unluckily, nothing was alike that softness. Nothing was like him, no one was like him and he was starting to be mad about that. Xiao Zhan was mad with himself for being unable to stop his own feelings regarding Yibo, for risking his place beside one of the best teachers, for liking his best friend so badly his chest wanted to burst. It was so much he had made the step to make love to him in a moment of weakness after noticing how much Yibo had matured, how much he had changed and how now they could talk about the stuff that hurt them. They could argue, but they could also solve it with words if both desire to. And that was what made him be unable to lock that yearning for kissing him. It felt so good, he felt so free...

“Stupid! Stupid... Stupid...” he insulted himself, knowing all he had controlled for the last two years was in vain if now he kissed and treated Yibo as something else than friends. But how could he restrain that bittersweet feeling? How could he do that anymore? Xiao Zhan was tired of looking at Yibo and being unable to hold his hand, to kiss his lips or hug him without containing all he had inside, all he wanted Yibo to know. He was so tired of hiding because he was forbidden of loving one of his students, even if he wasn't a proper teacher yet. For him, Yibo wasn't a student, though. He stopped being that since that day in the beach, when they barely kissed. Xiao Zhan had lost his head because of the small amount he drank that day and went with everything to conquer that young man, who looked so innocent and shy by then. Since that evening, he had been desiring to be rejected once more to try again and again, admiring how Yibo would become weaker and weaker. However, their story changed.

Yibo changed, Xiao Zhan changed, their friendship changed. He became the chased one, who rejected the other, who did as if he felt nothing among them. And his expectations with Yibo were broken. He never had a chance to repeat that because now that man was so in love with him that he would accept any kiss, any touch, any single second beside him without a single complain. He didn’t have to chase him because Yibo had fallen in love with him effortlessly. And Xiao Zhan hated that because for first time, he would have liked to gain his love with small gestures that made Yibo feel special. To have a first date where both would be nervous and clumsy. To have a first kiss in the end of it. To talk about their feelings and become boyfriends with high expectations and being filled with adrenaline and serotonin. However, they never had a date and now they were totally used to meet in private and spend hours together. Their first kiss was a mix of rage and pain in a closet provoked by a game and alcohol. They knew they were in love because of their actions, not because they had ever talked about that. The adrenaline was made by fear and not because of love.

Xiao Zhan understood there was no romantic story between them anymore in a near future because of the rules he must follow in his work and studies. For a second, he thought it was like fate was making him choose between his personal life and his professional future. And he was lost. He was so lost because his work, Art in general, was his motivation, his dream, his goal. Yet Yibo meant that life partner he had always searched for unsuccessfully. Yibo meant his heart could feel too. And it'd been a long time since he first thought that. When he still dreamed about romantic stories as movies. But when real life made him understand love and romantic love stories didn’t exist, he accepted Zhong's challenge to be with one woman per day. He had lost the hope and Yibo returned that small piece of happiness to him without even asking for it. Still seeing this fact, he couldn’t help but think if he should continue that what had started between them. He wasn’t sure anymore if this was the right timing anymore. If they had to meet two years ago, become this and go further now. He didn’t know. And he was so scared as long as he didn’t want to hurt Yibo anymore. He saw those teary eyes twice already in the last week and Xiao Zhan understood he didn’t deserve the consequences of his decisions. Yibo deserved to be happy, now he needed to see if he could bring him that happiness or not.

That was why he was there, lying down on that bed where they had slept together for first time, remembering the last hour making true what he had dreamt about for months, even years. How his fingertips could touch his whole body, how his eyes could watch everything, how his body felt so hot his blood burnt until the point of thinking he was going to start a fire on that bed. It was impossible he would be able to hold back from now on if Yibo was near now he knew how addicted he himself was. He felt kind of stupid because he had been holding back all the time they knew each other not to provoke that situation, yet he had lost against his desires. It seemed like all his effort, pain and wasted time were in vain because now all he wanted was to come back to his room and love him. To love him until his heart would ache. Until his eyes would bleed. Until his mind would explode by being unable to understand how that childish man could mean his whole world.

And the rage for having to hold back was gathered into his clenched fist, what hit the bed strongly or he would just give up in his studies just to be finally with Yibo. Feely. Carelessly. Yet he needed to end his last year beside him to be able to get the job, the recommendation and be free. He just needed to wait for some months more without provoking rumours or gossips between them anymore. Even if they had always had no matter what they did. It was like everyone around them knew, but they wanted to keep in the ignorance because of fear, consequences, danger, timing. Everything looked as being against them. Against their love story. And Xiao Zhan just wanted to fall in love for first time. To live a normal first serious relationship. It looked as impossible, though.

Then, breaking the silence, breaking his deep thoughts, his phone rang briefly, telling him he had a new message. Hence, his hand went to grab it and checked what it was.

**From::** Cao Wen

_Dude, can you meet in the canteen tomorrow's morning before lessons? I have something interesting._

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_Of course._

His answer was brief; he wanted to know what it was, but his mood was too bad like to start to talk with Cao Wen. He needed to be alone for a while and think if it was really worth it to risk Yibo's place in the college because of his whim of being with him. He had observed how that man had studied and worked for hours just to pass the exams, he had helped him during whole evenings because Yibo couldn’t make it by himself sometimes. And now would he risk all his effort just because of a few kisses? Indeed, Xiao Zhan needed that man, needed what had happened that day constantly, but sometimes what he desired and what he could do weren't the same thing.

Then, his phone rang again.

**From::** Cao Wen

_Are you okay? I haven't seen you in the whole day._

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_Yes, don't worry. I'm just tired, today was hectic._

**From::** Cao Wen

_Okay, you know I'm here for anything you need._

**From::** Xiao Zhan

_I know, thank you <3 _

He kind of smiled when he saw the last two messages from his best friend. They had always been together since very early in college and Cao Wen meant a very important support in his life there. However, he couldn’t tell about what was happening between Yibo and him. Nobody should know. Even if he trusted the people around him, protecting Yibo was first in his list, so he couldn’t tell anyone not to risk their situation. Many times he had seen how walls had got ears, so he didn’t feel sure enough to open up about Yibo. That was why, choosing to remain silent, he decided to eat something fast and go to sleep because indeed, he was afraid of why Cao Wen wanted him to go to the canteen tomorrow's morning.

*****

The mornings were starting to be cold because November was arriving so Xiao Zhan was even wearing a scarf around his neck not to get ill because his throat was feeling quiet uneasy. He was walking through the campus to reach the canteen and meet Cao Wen there. His hands got inside the pockets of his jacket because of how cold it was and walked a bit faster to arrive sooner. Then, once there, he searched with his gaze for Cao Wen. Surprisingly, he found his friend, but also Zhong Wei, Lulu and Yibo surrounding a table while having breakfast. Xiao Zhan decided just to buy a hot coffee and approach as his mind got nervous because Yibo was also there. He didn’t know how to act in public after yesterday.

“Hi, guys and lady” he greeted everyone there and sat beside Cao Wen, having the girl and Yibo in front of him. Lulu smiled at him as always and the two guys spoke a greeting aloud, but Yibo, who moved his head slightly.

“What are you doing with a scarf?” his best friend laughed while tapping his shoulder.

“It's so cold, what do you want?” Xiao Zhan answered with a frown, yet no one else replied back because as he was so thin, it was normal he would feel colder than the rest of people there.

“Okay, so now we are all here, I'm gonna show you this” Cao Wen spoke while taking a pamphlet out of his bag and placing it in the middle of the table. Then, four pairs of eyes checked what it was about and read it was a mountain cabin for six people with possibility of skiing. “What if we spend Christmas holidays together here?” he proposed with a smirk. “It’s a bargain, but it's only for six people, so we would need another one” the only problem was spoken up and everyone there looked around, watching their expressions to decide.

“I think it's so cool!” Lulu was the first one in giving her opinion and being really excited to do that. Then, Yibo tilted his head a bit.

“It may be interesting” he grabbed the pamphlet to open it and read it better. Xiao Zhan observed his expression and wondered if that was a good idea considering the path their friendship was taking lately. Maybe in that cabin, many things could happen that would make it more complicated for him to remain as nothing else than just two buddies that got along too well. However, he wanted to go, so rejecting the offer would look odd in him. Everyone in that table would know the real reason at the next second, especially the man in front of him. That was why he decided to give it a try, considering the option of controlling his feelings for that week they would keep there.

“I'd like to go” Xiao Zhan leaned on his friend, pretending to look as always, but indeed Yibo glanced at him without maintaining their gaze on each other for longer than a second. He was avoiding him too. They both were afraid now and it was clear between them. This tacit understanding could be so useful sometimes, but it could mean they knew too many things; things they might not want to be sure about because that would tell Xiao Zhan that if he wanted, Yibo would do anything for him. And that really scared him.

“Why don't you tell your girlfriend, Wenwen?” Lulu asked, remembering with her, they would be six, being the entire group to go to that house. However, he looked aside.

“She's going to visit her family for the whole Christmas” his answer was low and his face seemed as not wanting to talk about the subject. Xiao Zhan frowned a bit, not having realized that they could have some kind of problem in their relationship.

“Well, we have time to find another person. For now, we five are sure we're gonna go, right?” Zhong changed subject to assure the assistance of everyone around that table and indeed, their heads nodded.

“Okay, I'll tell you to give me the money in a few weeks and what we need to go. We'll talk about the details other day” Cao Wen explained back to his normal self, saving the pamphlet back in his bag and standing up. “I have to go already, so see you later” he looked at everyone while talking, leaning a hand on Zhong's shoulder. “Ah, Xiao Zhan, your teacher was searching for you” his friend didn’t need another word to provoke goosebumps on him. What would he want? Did he know about what happened yesterday? But that was impossible. Then... What could it be?

“Are you okay?” suddenly, Lulu asked him with worried expression and four pairs of eyes observed him.

“Zhan-ge, you look pale” for first time, Yibo talked to him and Xiao Zhan tried to stand up, acting as being normal. However, he was feeling sick since he woke up, being so cold with sore throat, so he had to lean on the table when a hard dizziness hit his head. Cao Wen grabbed him by his arms while Lulu, Yibo and Zhong got up too worried about their friend's condition.

“Zhanzhan, what's wrong?” the man grabbing him asked with a deep frown and Xiao Zhan shook his head slightly to make it look as nothing important.

“I got a bit dizzy by standing up, I'm fine” his lips turned into a small grin and looked around to show he was okay already. Yet everyone there could say he wasn't. Then, Cao Wen put his hand over his forehead without previous warning and the first thing Xiao Zhan thought about was Yibo, not wanting him to watch how other person took care of him. And indeed, when his gaze glanced at him, Yibo was piercing into Cao Wen until he removed the hand.

“You’re so hot, maybe it's a temperature” he clicked his tongue.

“What are you-?” before Xiao Zhan could reply he was fine again, Yibo surrounded the table to approach him. Suddenly, his hands grabbed his both cheeks and, not only Xiao Zhan got frozen, but also their friends, especially when Yibo placed his forehead against his to check if indeed, he was having a temperature. Then, as if he had done nothing special, Yibo did a step backwards, removing his hands and talking calmly.

“You’re ill” his voice was low as their eyes were stuck. The sick man was totally unable to react by that sudden show of being more than friends in a canteen full of people that for some reason, no one seemed as having noticed them.

“Yibo, I'm fine. I can-“

“You can my ass, have you seen yourself?” Yibo scolded him this time, taking over their roles as kid and mature adult for first time in a while. Xiao Zhan could only remove his gaze, though. “You’re having a temperature, you wear all these clothes when it's 20 degrees, your eyes are swollen and your nose is reddish. Also, you talk with husky voice and just look as wanting to sleep. Yet you're not ill” his voice was severe and for some reason, Xiao Zhan liked that. He was liking how he was scolding him. That was why he kept silent, only to hear him more and more.

“He's right. Go home, a day resting won’t kill you” Cao Wen decided to speak too even if Yibo had been evident enough to show how much he stared at that man, how much he knew everything about him just by glancing at him. And Xiao Zhan wanted more of that.

“Okay, but let me go first to warn my teachers that I can't go to the lessons” he accepted, knowing Yibo had stated clearly his opinion and wouldn't talk anymore. Then, he finished his coffee, even if just swallowing was hard indeed, and when he was going to bid farewell, he saw how Yibo grabbed his bag to wait beside him. What did that mean? “Where do you go?” Xiao Zhan asked with a frown.

“I go with you” his friend replied with calm voice as no one else around that table dared to break that moment with another word. Xiao Zhan was able to tell Yibo was acting weird, that wasn't his usual answers or decisions. He would joke about being sick and wouldn’t have done that about his temperature. Yet he was doing it. And for a second, Xiao Zhan didn’t dislike it at all.

“You've got lessons” he retorted briefly, telling him he should go there instead of with him.

“Not anymore. Bye guys” he said goodbye to their friends and started to walk towards the exit. Xiao Zhan was so mad with him that he even forgot to say goodbye too and did fast steps to catch him.

Still around the table, one woman and two men kept looking at their breakfast, wondering what was that. Then, Cao Wen was brave to break that silence. “Or they are stupid...”

“Or they are already going out” Lulu finished the sentence for him because that was what the three of them were thinking after what they had seen.

Back in the hallway already, Xiao Zhan reached Yibo, who was walking calmly until a hand grabbed his arm. “What was that?” his question was clear, not really mattering the answer even though he knew it could be so straight coming from Yibo.

“What was what?” his intentions to explain him were vague, but Xiao Zhan wasn't going to give up because he needed to know that change of attitude.

“All of this, you've never acted like this”

“Like what? Like worrying about you? I've always done that” Yibo answered back, not even looking ashamed of saying such a thing. On the other hand, Xiao Zhan had to look away because he got flushed by hearing that. By listening to how Yibo cared about him.

“Not that. I told you not in public” he lowered his voice because the hallway was full of students going to their classes and some teacher that could hear more than needed.

“I'd understand it if I had kissed you, but I just checked your temperature” Yibo showed a frown, as if he was starting to be bothered, and Xiao Zhan didn’t want to argue again while being ill.

“You could have done as Wenwen”

“But I'm not like Cao Wen” at that moment, both stopped in a side of the hallway, looking at each other as if the biggest confession had just been made. Xiao Zhan understood two meanings; he wasn't as Cao Wen in behaviour or he wasn't as Cao Wen in the relationship they had. The first one would make sense, but the second one would make him panic by how bold Yibo was being since yesterday and how he liked that. How he had desired those words, those actions for so much time. And Xiao Zhan's biggest fear was that these feelings inside of him were produced by how forbidden Yibo was and not because he was really falling in love with his best friend slowly. That was why he stayed in silence and looked away, not knowing what to say. Then, as the ambient got tense, Yibo began to walk again. “C'mon, let's go to see your teachers that after I'll bring you home” he changed subject as always. And Xiao Zhan felt sorry for that.

“What? No, go to your lessons” the older man insisted because he wouldn’t catch up easily after.

“It’s fine, I can skip them” however, Yibo was stubborn. So was Xiao Zhan.

“You're missing too many lately”

“Fuck, Xiao Zhan. Is everything I do today wrong for you?” suddenly, those rude words were spoken aloud as a pair of eyes pierced him with deep bother. He looked really angry by his constant insistences that it wasn't needed and the sick man just continued walking, hating the tension between them. The closer they were, the more they argued. And he hated that.

“I just don't want to trouble you, but do as you please” his answer was in low voice, not really wanting to keep going with that chat as everything they said was bothersome for the other. That was why Yibo understood the same and kept silent beside him, just arriving to the department where usually his teachers were. He couldn’t go away without notifying his absence to do his practices. So he looked around searching for one of the three teachers he worked with and found one of them in her desk; Yibo waited on the threshold as Xiao Zhan approached to tell her. It was very quick as lessons were about to start. She wished him a fast recovery and the student bowed while thanking her. Right after, he returned to the exit and Yibo began to walk beside him without a word, just using their tacit understanding even if they were kind of upset with one another.

However, a voice called for him in the hallway and his blood stopped running. “Xiao Zhan, where are you going?” at that moment, both of them turned around and his eyes met the last person he wanted to find while being with Yibo. Wang Fengli. The same teacher that was threatening him with severe consequences if he had an affair with anyone in that college. And he was having the man, who had just made love to last night, beside him.

“Sir, I'm pretty sick so I came here to inform about my absence in my practice for today” he answered politely, trying to look normal and calm in front of those two piercing eyes that didn’t leave his. Moreover, at his side he had a man who was clenching his teeth without an evident reason.

“Oh, I see. Then, go home and rest” his sarcastic voice talked with real calmness. “Also, is he your friend? Why don't you introduce us?” then, he continued talking as if he was reading his mind and that just made Xiao Zhan sweat even harder.

“He's Wang Yibo, one of my best friends. He's Wang Fengli, one of my intructors in teaching” he did it. He introduced the two people who shouldn’t know each other. Now, Xiao Zhan really realized the danger Yibo was exposed too by his feelings. And for a second, the older student knew he had to stop them to protect him or that man would be merciless.

“One of your best friends...” he smirked. “Boy, you have good taste with your friends” Fengli smiled at Yibo falsely and his friend maintained his cold expression. This time it was so cold he looked as hating the man in front of him.

“And you have good taste to choose students” suddenly, he dared to reply without a single hesitation in his voice and Xiao Zhan widened his eyes slightly. However, the teacher chuckled effortlessly.

“After all, who doesn’t like Xiao Zhan?” after this question, his eyes became challenging, still showing that sarcastic smile, yet Yibo remained expressionless, not setting his gaze aside even to blink. And in the middle of them, Xiao Zhan was speechless, totally lost of what was happening there. Hence, he was sure it was his turn to talk when they just kept gazing at each other to see how would look aside first.

“Well, we're leaving now” his idea was to cut that as soon as possible, but it might not be the idea everyone there had unluckily.

“Is he going to accompany you until home?” Fengli asked even if they were barely turning around.

“Yes, I'll take care of him” Yibo was faster, showing his property, his privileges with Xiao Zhan, and that just made him panic because he was being the boldest with the wrong person.

“Be careful with your studies, though. Maybe taking care of him so much will bring you some trouble” the teacher chuckled after saying that and left without waiting for a reply back. Yibo frowned, looking so lost, but Xiao Zhan gulped, breathing heavier when his mind understood that had been a warning. How could he know? How could he see that between them that easily?

“What a jerk, why don't you stop working with him?” Yibo clicked his tongue, being way angrier than before. Xiao Zhan just walked beside him hesitantly, just doing circles at the idea he knew. He knew their secret.

“He's able to open all the doors of my career” he had always kept this in his mind to be capable of continuing beside him by sacrifying a future with Yibo, but now he said it, it sounded really superficial.

“You work with another two teachers, plus you're liked by many more. Why must it be him?” Yibo couldn’t handle his uneasiness inside of him and even if Xiao Zhan wondered the same, he noticed his friend was moved more by jealousy.

“Let it go, it's my last year. It'll end soon” he would rather to stop that chat too because he just needed a few months to end his last year of the master degree to send Fengli to hell and decide to try something with Yibo. But he had to maintain the secret until then, what looked as really complicated after that meeting.

“I really dislike him” his best friend confessed out of the blue.

“Why?”

“He's the nastiest man I've ever met in my life” his explanation was brief but on point, so Xiao Zhan could relate to his opinion. Since the first day, he saw his nasty side, but the more they worked together, the more Xiao Zhan noticed how disgusting that man was.

“Agree” he sighed and walked towards his car to drive. However, Yibo grabbed his wrist and stopped him, stealing the keys from his hand.

“I’ll drive” then, in a fast move he got inside and Xiao Zhan clicked his tongue being tired of him that morning. Yet he didn’t say a word and sat beside him.

“Seriously, I'm just a bit ill” he complained once inside, Yibo didn’t pay attention to him, though. He just drove to his house in complete silence what was odd. Until Xiao Zhan realized he wanted him to rest in the path, even if it was just ten minutes, he was silent not to disturb him while resting because of his headache. And inwardly, he smiled.

Once there, they parked the car and walked towards the apartment without words, as if both knew perfectly what they had to do and what the other would do. That was why Xiao Zhan dropped all in the doorway and walked straight to his bed because he was unable to be on his feet anymore. Indeed, he needed to rest because now his sickness had worsened a lot. Still, he watched how Yibo took all his stuff to place it on the table along with his. After he opened a drawer and grabbed a warm pajamas before approaching to him. “Wear this. Tell me where a thermometer and the medicines are” his voice was soft, with an expression that didn’t allow a single claim.

“Everything’s in the drawer under the TV” he signaled with his index finger and decided to change clothes because he was still shaking by the coldness. He removed the upper part when Yibo came back with a thermometer in his hand. For a second, he felt ashamed by remembering the last day, yet his hand took it, feeling his cold hand softly, and looked away to get dressed as soon as possible.

“Check your temperature” he ordered too and right away, he went to the kitchen. Xiao Zhan didn’t know what he was doing, so he finished with the pajamas and started to check his temperature as a good kid. He glanced sometimes at Yibo who was preparing something in a glass and when the thermometer sounded, he approached the bed to grab it with his free hand because the other one was holding a glass of hot milk.

“It’s just 37’6°C, you all were overreacting” he commented with a pout. Yet Yibo didn’t show a reaction and that was starting to worry Xiao Zhan.

“Even if it's just a bit, you need to rest or it will get worse. Take this milk with honey, it will help your throat” his hand gave it to him again and this time Xiao Zhan made sure not to touch him. He didn’t want to drop that hand if he grabbed it on purpose or by mistake. He was just unable to let him go anymore.

“Thank you...” his mutter was low and it didn’t have a reply back, just a man who returned to the drawer. His ears heard the sounds of medicines being moved until the drawer was closed and Yibo appeared again with a pill.

“This is for the temperature and pain, you will feel better after resting” his fingers took it carefully not to drop it and without a complain, he swallowed it with a bit of milk that even if at first his throat bothered by the heat, the honey began to do its effect. Then, when he saw Yibo was just watching how he followed all his orders, the good timing to ask him was found.

“Yibo, why are you so serious?” his almond eyes were raised innocently and his friend frowned slightly.

“Am I?” it was clear he was avoiding the subject, yet Xiao Zhan finally did what he had been wishing for since they arrived. His hand searched for Yibo's shyly, crashing his heat with his normal temperature that seemed so cold for the sick man.

“Yes, you are” he observed his tense lips becoming a thin line. “Come here, tell me what's wrong” his hand pulled from his tenderly. Yibo looked away for a second, doubting what to do, but sat on the floor beside the bed as first step to create a chat. Then, Xiao Zhan drank more milk and left the glass over the nightstand to be able to lie down on the bed, facing his friend to listen to him as the hands kept touching each other.

“I just worry about you” he spoke with gentle voice as his thumb rubbed his velvety skin lovely.

“But I'm just a bit sick, I'm not dying” Xiao Zhan ginned, yet Yibo showed no reaction and that was the proof something was going on in that head. “Tell me” he went straight to the point, showing he was complicated to be tricked when he desired, and his friend sighed, giving up on hiding it.

“I'm jealous of that guy” his eyes looked down, not being shy for that, but ashamed. Yibo himself knew he was being ridiculous by being jealous of someone as Wang Fengli. However, Xiao Zhan bit his lower lip before speaking.

“Jealous of what?” he asked with huskier voice. “Only you can do this to me” his hand left Yibo's and went to caress his cheek while admiring those round eyes, being widened by his words. “I’m yours, right?” his mind didn’t think twice about what he was saying anymore. Maybe it was the temperature or maybe it was the drowned feelings in him that made him forget what control meant.

“Yes, you are” Yibo retorted with low voice before approaching his lips hesitantly. Their noses met shyly, yet his friend just moved it slowly to make him wish that kiss with his whole being. And maybe following his longings, his hand attracted him the last inch between them and they kissed again. Their lips were really soft this time. Not really moving, just feeling all what was hidden inside of them. Until Yibo began to suck his lower lip tenderly and Xiao Zhan made him stop, even if he desired to keep the whole day like that.

“You may fall ill too” he worried about his health because after all, they shouldn’t kiss if one of them was ill. However, Yibo looked as not mattering.

“I’d rather be ill thousands of times if with that, I get one kiss from you” suddenly, he spoke out of the blue and, even if it made his heart throb inside of his chest, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but chuckle embarrassedly.

“You're so cheesy sometimes” his smile was wild on his face and it seemed more infectious than the flu because immediately Yibo grinned flushed as well.

“Shut up” finally, his face was lighted up and Xiao Zhan felt satisfied by admiring that glimpse of happiness into his pupils. That was why, when Yibo climbed onto the bed to trap him against the mattress, the older man couldn’t do anything else but inviting those soft lips that went to kiss him over and over again. He wanted to think about the consequences for doing that even if it was in private, hidden even from their friends, about the talk they had one hour before with Wang Fengli as if he knew their secret, about how he was risking their studies just for some stupid kisses. And Xiao Zhan yearned to believe he was doing the worst by removing Yibo's T-shirt again, he tried to be sure he was destroying the person he was starting to love. But each kiss that man left on his mouth, each caress his hands made on his skin, each smile they shared because they were reaching the heaven together, each gaze they connected to admire one another. All of that was... Flawless. And it became the reason Xiao Zhan needed to betray himself and put Yibo in a serious risk.

“Zhan-ge” his soft voice called him, being shirtless and sitting over his belly with both hands leaning on the pillow at each side of his head. Then, his confused eyes looked at him. “Can I sleep here?” his question made a hole inside of Xiao Zhan's heart, whose desire was to have him every night in his bed. Yet his indecision made them have a glass wall in between. That was why he was going to reject that, to tell him to go back at the college. However, he remembered two nights ago, how he slept hugging his body and he was unable to set him aside. He was unable to say no anymore. So he nodded, watching how Yibo lay down beside him and right after, Xiao Zhan went to press his head against his shoulder as his arm surrounded his waist under the sheets. At first, he felt how Yibo got so tense by that unexpected move, but swiftly, that man embraced him back tightly, protecting him from the sorrows real life had got attacking him lately. He needed to feel safe and Yibo was his best option, even if in the end, he was dragging him too into his own mistakes and consequences.

Xiao Zhan would be Yibo's disaster and he was sure of that.

*****

Time after, not being sure of how long because he fell asleep completely, he woke up still in his arms, hearing how his breath was making his chest go up and down softly. Yibo was totally asleep under him and Xiao Zhan couldn’t handle the desire in him to approach and leave a gentle peck over his lips. Yibo didn’t notice it so his smile was lovely, adoring everything that man could offer to him. And for a second, his eyes became reddish, understanding how he had hurt and was hurting that man in silence. That was why he lowered his eyes and stood up, grabbing the glass of milk, with still some in it, but so cold already. He also grabbed his phone and went to the kitchen to heat it up again in the microwave, trying to do it slowly not to wake him up. Meanwhile, he checked his phone. However, his hand almost dropped it when his eyes read a message.

**From::** Unknown

_Hi, Xiao Zhan._

_Sorry for this sudden message, but I just wanted to let you know Wang Yibo is a very interesting person. I'd like to know him better as long as he looks so special to you. Or am I wrong, bunny?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more ffs updates, follow @W1Bo_ on Twitter.


	7. Collapsing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING::** it'll have harrassment behaviour, hints of non-consent behaviour and violence from now on. Read on your own.

He breathed deeply, waking up slowly from that small nap he took on Xiao Zhan's bed. His arms were a bit numb after having hugged his friend for a long while, yet he was very satisfied he had accepted to rest together when in the past that would have been unthinkable. So a shy smile was created on his face by remembering those soft kisses or his embrace. But that ended soon when the bed was empty and he didn’t find Xiao Zhan when his gaze looked around. Then, he sat on the mattress, stretching his back while yawning, and finally Xiao Zhan appeared sitting on the couch, with sad expression and something white in his hands. Yibo frowned, dressed his T-shirt back and stood up to approach. However, right after his friend noticed he was awake, what he had in his hands was hidden and his expression began to change from uneasiness to anxiety constantly. That was why Yibo sat beside him and rubbed his chin to attract his gaze.

“What have you just hidden?” he wanted to know that. He wanted to know if there was something Xiao Zhan could hide from him and indeed, he was getting his answer at that moment.

“It’s nothing” his voice was still a bit husky and sounded agitated for some reason. Yibo was sure something was going on so he decided to know about it without a single complain.

“Show me that” he said before leaning over Xiao Zhan as one of his hands got into his pocket to grab whatever it was. His friend tried to stop him while asking what he was doing, yet Yibo didn’t mind if he got angry because of that. Then, finally, his hand felt something soft and took it, returning to his spot, but still having a man trying to open his fingers to ripe it off from him. However, no matter how strong he was, Yibo raised his hand and checked what it was in a fast move. Surprisingly, he found the bunny keychain. He was hiding the bunny after looking at it with gloomy face and immediately, Xiao Zhan recovered it before Yibo would start his questions.

“Why don't you want me to see it?” his voice wasn't angry. He wasn't. He was rather worried because his friend was really behaving odd lately.

“You don't have yours anymore, it's weird that I keep looking at it” Xiao Zhan explained while rubbing its head with his thumb gently, sounding really sad for that. Hence, Yibo understood maybe it was time to show his real colours to his friend even if he promised that day to never reveal it. Xiao Zhan surprised him by recovering the bunny and keeping it during almost two years, so it was time for Yibo to surprise him too.

“Wait here” he said just that and stood up, approaching the table where his bag was over. His fingers opened the small pocket and got the broken lion. He had always worn it with him, treasuring his feelings for his best friend and never forgetting that point in their friendship. Yet perhaps it was time to let it go. Yibo turned around and sat again beside Xiao Zhan, showing the lion keychain to him and observing his expression carefully, being scared of what it could be. Being afraid of ending up arguing as always. However, Xiao Zhan just grabbed it and placed it beside his bunny.

“What does this mean?” his weak voice asked that as he was totally confused. Yibo just smiled bitterly.

“As you said, we can't throw away some stuff even if they hurt” he remembered Xiao Zhan's words when he found out the bunny. “It’s broken because you know I'm pretty clumsy, but I've never thrown it away” he wanted to add some joy into the chat because Xiao Zhan's face looked more as suffering than being happy for that. It was the first time Yibo was confused about his reaction because normally, his friend was so bold with his emotions, but lately he was totally restraining himself and Yibo was beginning to worry unconsciously.

“I can sew it if you want” that was his full comment about that and the younger man couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed.

“Do you know how to sew?” still, he followed the chat and Xiao Zhan nodded without even glancing at his eyes. “Okay, then” he agreed as gaining time to think what else to say or what else to do until understanding what was going on in his head. He watched how Xiao Zhan took a box with sewing stuff as needles and threads. He chose a colour considering the lion's one and started to sew its head as if he was so used to do that. Yibo just kept beside him, watching it in silence because it was relaxing. However, the student got the desire to feel his friend closer and his hand went to touch his hair above his ear softly and suddenly, Xiao Zhan stopped abruptly.

“Don’t do that while I'm sewing, please” his voice showed him he had liked that, though. That was why his fingers went to touch his earlobe gently, feeling how he moved his head slightly. And because Yibo wanted to prove he was being weak with just two fingers rubbing his skin, his inder finger caressed his neck slowly until Xiao Zhan complained suddenly, putting his finger into his mouth in a hurry. “I told you not to do it while I'm sewing” he scolded him not too severely as he checked his fingertip with a dot of blood coming out. Because of his touches, he had been stuck by the needle. Then, Yibo grabbed his hand and sucked that blood tenderly as their eyes stared at each other for first time since he had discovered the lion.

“I'm sorry” he kissed the hurt finger and saw how Xiao Zhan's ears were so reddish. He loved that reaction so much Yibo was unable to control himself from approaching and tasting those sweet lips once again. Every time they kissed felt like the last time they would somehow and that made Yibo enjoy that even more just in case he wouldn't kiss him again. Slowly, he felt a hand on his nape, playing with his short hair, and that made him wonder why his expression was so confused, but his actions were the opposite. He was really worried about that mainly because Xiao Zhan didn’t want to tell him so it wasn't something trivial.

“Let me finish” his friend spoke over his lips, remembering he had the lion half fixed and Yibo nodded, gaining a sweet peck from that man, who looked as normalizing kissing in private. It was like Xiao Zhan wanted and liked that, yet something was forbidding him from going further. Then, that was when Yibo knew his friend had something or someone locking his feelings for some reason. He just needed to discover what or who was to be able to help him. However, he doubted Xiao Zhan would share that information with him. “It’s done” he smiled, touching the lion lovely and returned it to its owner before putting everything into the box again and left it over the coffe table in front of them.

“Thank you a lot” Yibo smiled while remembering the meaning behind the lion and bunny. How it was ironically Xiao Zhan who had fixed it. The same person as who was healing the wound in him. Hence, for a second Yibo thought about confessing his feelings and trying to settle something. Nevertheless, he remembered how Xiao Zhan himself had asked for time and for just being friends for now. So he shut up and changed subject to get something useful to help him. “Are you feeling better?” his fingers caressed his cheek to poke it playfully.

“Yes, my throat sucks a bit, but I'm better” he grinned satisfied. “I wish I could get sick everyday” he joked with lighted eyes, being totally different to when he woke up, yet when they met Yibo's, it was like if he had done something wrong because immediately, that glimpse of happiness disappeared and he looked down.

“And I wish I could know what's going on with you” Yibo spoke aloud, getting serious to manage that subject and, as he expected, Xiao Zhan glanced at him nervously.

“Nothing”

“Don't lie to me, at least” his voice got tense. “I can accept you have your secret, but don't lie, please” he frowned, exposing the thing that hurt him the most in here. The fact Xiao Zhan could be lying to him.

“I can't tell you, though” he turned around to face Yibo finally and his dilemma was completely reflected into the despair his eyes conveyed to him. He was suffering, indeed.

“Why?”

“Because I don't want to involve you in it anymore” his voice sounded agitated, but not because Yibo was asking, but because he was scared. Xiao Zhan was scared, looking around as if even his own apartment didn’t give him comfort. And that really worried Yibo.

“I want to be involved if I can help you” his hand grabbed Xiao Zhan's to show him his support. However, that hand was removed because his friend stood up overwhelmed by the chat.

“I'm trying to protect you, why do you keep trying to be in danger?” his face was totally deformed by the anxiety, barely wanting to cry by the fear in him. Yet Yibo was unable to understand anything.

“In danger? What's that now?” Yibo stood up too, approaching Xiao Zhan to grab his both shoulders and calm him down. “I’m starting to be so worried about this”

“Just stay aside from this, I know what I do” he breathed deeply and Yibo shook his head.

“How can I?” his question left that man speechless. None of them knew what else to say. Their both positions were well stated. One wouldn’t tell and the other wouldn’t give up. So Yibo thought for a second what would happen if someone wouldn’t step back because both were doing exactly that as long as they were worried about one another. Hence, Yibo appreciated Xiao Zhan was trying his best not to involve him too in whatever it was. However, his decision was final, so why was his friend still reticent to let him go in? Was it that dangerous?

“Yibo...” he approached, caressing one of his cheeks softly while closing his eyes, the despair in him being shown perfectly. Their foreheads were pressed together, making their need to be close evident. That was why Yibo kissed the tip of his nose. For him, Xiao Zhan wasn't a good time to kiss and have sex. He was way more than that and he was going to show it.

“So you're not going to tell me, right?” he spoke with soft voice, not to make him think he was saying that with frustration or anger.

“Gimme time... And I'll tell you everything” Xiao Zhan opened his eyes to stare at him being sure of his words and Yibo sighed before nodding and accepting that deal.

“Okay...” he muttered against his lips while touching his mole with his thumb. “And meanwhile?” he asked seriously. “Can I kiss you? Can I...?”

“Only here” his answer had changed since the last day from just in private to only in his apartment, what told Yibo things were getting worse for Xiao Zhan somehow. Yet he was sure if he continued asking, his friend would get more and more overwhelmed, so if he wanted to be a support, he nodded and hugged that man he loved so much tightly, brushing his hair to calm him down while he felt how two hands grabbed his T-shirt full of rage. Yibo was hating that, but all he could do was being there and trust him. Although, trusting Xiao Zhan become a bit complicated when he didn’t know what was even happening anymore.

Then, after the embrace, Yibo didn’t feel too well by being there as long as doubts appeared in his heart. So he separated from Xiao Zhan, surprising that man who was totally aware of how clingy the student was. “I’ll return to the dorms, call me if you get worse or need anything, okay?” he forced a smile to see he was okay, but Xiao Zhan had a slight frown between his eyebrows. He didn’t say anything and Yibo didn’t know how to say goodbye. He would kiss him, but at that moment, he felt every kiss they were sharing was wrong because of how his friend reacted, how tense he got or how his eyes went down. So that was why he approached the table to put the lion inside the pocket and grab his jacket and bag before turning around again, observing how Xiao Zhan was okay with that farewell after kissing and sleeping together. Hence, Yibo looked down and walked towards the door, not hearing anything behind him, nor even a single step. He got out of that apartment completely frustrated and disappointed. He understood Xiao Zhan wanted to protect him, but he felt more as set aside rather than protected. When all he desired was to fight together no matter what it was.

Yet, inside of that apartment, a tall man remained on his feet, covering his mouth with a hand not to sob because Yibo still could listen to him from outside. Hard tears fell through his cheeks by the pain in him for being unable to tell Yibo, for being alone in that, for having to settle a space between them to protect him, for having to even lie to him when Yibo stated that was the last thing he wanted. Xiao Zhan was pretty sure he was going to lose him if that situation continued. If he continued hiding the truth for him, having his wimps as kissing but asking to keep just as friends, looking as just using Yibo and his love as he pleased. He was aware his friend was going to get tired sooner or later. And just then, Xiao Zhan wondered if he was really protecting him. Maybe all he was doing with that behaviour was hurting him constantly. Maybe he was doing the opposite of taking care of him. Yibo wasn't a kid, yet Xiao Zhan was scared of what could happen to him if he knew.

*****

_After receiving that message from an unknown person, although Xiao Zhan knew who that was, his whole world collapsed. Because that meant his teacher knew about them. Yet he looked as playing instead of applying the consequences right after. That was why Xiao Zhan walked to the bathroom and closed the door not to wake him up or being listened by Yibo. Then, he saved the number and called it, wanting to ask straight what he desired by doing all of that. He could understand those rules, but what was out of his understanding was how this started to seem more like a game for Fengli rather than just some rules. So right after he heard how the call was picked up, he didn’t let him talk even once. “What was that message?” his voice was strong, yet low because his apartment was too small. He listened to a chuckle at the other side, though._

_“Have you liked it?” his voice sounded as having fun with all of that and it made his blood boil so badly._

_“Don't even dare to call me bunny EVER again, do you hear me?” he couldn’t control that anymore. His anger was making him go mad just by the thought he was making fun of Yibo._

_“Hey, hey, why are you so brave, bunny?” Fengli called him bunny again, being just amused by Xiao Zhan and not even caring what the student could do._

_“I told you not-!”_

_“Shut up” suddenly, his voice got serious, being so deep and dead Xiao Zhan got frozen in his spot. “You’re not in the position of saying what I can and can't do, understood? Remember if I want, I can ruin not your future career, but Yibo's in a blink of an eye” he threatened him with the same voice and Xiao Zhan started to breathe irregularly._

_“He’s just a friend, the rule is if I have got something romantic with-“_

_“And haven't you? I just need to look at him to confirm he's in love with you. Now dare to say you don't feel anything for him” Fengli got ruder with that, raising a bit the volume._

_“I don't! He's just my-“_

_“Then, why were you fucking in his room yesterday?! Why are you such a slut?! Don't you see you’re ruining his life?!” he shouted at him through the phone, leaving his mind in blank. At that moment, Xiao Zhan was totally confused and overwhelmed by what he was hearing._

_“How do you know where I was yesterday?” he didn’t confirm he was right about what they were doing, but he did about where he was. Still, how his voice trembled was like shouting he had hit the center of the dartboard._

_“I know where you are constantly. If you're in your apartment as now, I know it. If you go to his bedroom, I know it. If you go to eat, I know it. Anything you do, I know it. So listen to me, bunny. Be really careful with where you go or what you do. I'll give you a second chance because I know that boy is just a game for you. But if I know again the smallest thing between you, Wang Yibo will be destroyed, do you hear me?” Fengli threatened him as he had never done. The fear Xiao Zhan was feeling at that moment was making him tremble and be unable to breathe correctly. Tears were falling down his cheeks, not knowing what to do or how to escape from that nightmare. He wasn't being just stalked by a psychopath, but he was also being threatened with the most important person of his life. What should he do?_

_“I understood” he dared to accept that, having decided to go straight at the rector and show the call and message along with the story. He was going to confess, no matter if he had stayed beside that monster for two years. He couldn’t handle that anymore._

_“Nice” his smile was evident even through the call. “Ah, also. If you dare to tell anyone, Yibo, a teacher, a friend, even if you have a hamster to whom you tell your problems, be sure I'll find that person. Remember that I know EVERYTHING about you. Don't make me prove it to you” as if he could read his mind, Fengli broke his last option. His salvation. He was alone. Trapped. With a knife approaching his neck. Xiao Zhan knew the power that man had got, he knew he would lose against Fengli no matter what he did. And now he knew how sick he was, he wasn't sure anymore about the limits that person could reach._

_“What do you want from me?” that was all Xiao Zhan could ask after all of that, sitting on the WC because his legs became jelly by the anxiety on him._

_“You” his teacher answered with a shaking voice of happiness. “All of you” he breathed harder after those words, making how excited he was evident and just provoking a disgusted feeling in him. Now, his teacher's behaviour of getting closer, touching him by accident supposedly or doing some weird comment indeed wasn't a coincidence. He had always thought it could happen, but Xiao Zhan was now regretting having been too naïve and allowed that. He had always thought everything was under his control and only now he understood the control was Fengli's._

_“You're sick” he dared to answer while covering his mouth due to the nauseas he was suffering by thinking what the real purpose behind this was._

_“Be careful of what you say, bunny. I'll always be one step further than you” and with that, the call was hung up. No time to even answer. Xiao Zhan didn’t want to reply to that man anymore either. He just left his phone on the sink to vomit due to a hard nausa in the WC, coughing a bit in the end. The anxiety was so high in him and the dizziness he got by breathing harder made him be unable to stand up, so he just stayed sat on the floor, leaning his head and back on the wall. The wonders of what he was supposed to do didn’t stop inside of his brain, just feeling how his heart turned upside down every time he thought it wasn't just him, but also Yibo, the person who was in his bed right now. If something happened to Yibo because of his fault, because he was unable to escape from the claws of that psychopath, Xiao Zhan would never forgive himself for having allowed all of that to happen. For having been unable to protect the person he loved the most._

_Because now he was understanding everything. Yibo was his best friend, his partner in crime, the person he saw when his gaze looked at his side, the person who grabbed his hand if he fell, the person who drove him crazy with his naughtiness. And Xiao Zhan only understood how wrong he had always been in the moment he was in the edge of losing him._

*****

Since yesterday he hadn't known anything else about Xiao Zhan. Yibo had returned to the dorms, being worried about what was going on with his friend and totally frustrated for being unable to help him. Still, he just sent him a message before going to sleep to see if he was better with his flu, yet he got no response. That night, he couldn’t sleep well, he wanted to know, no matter what, he needed to discover what was making everything so hard for Xiao Zhan. So he stayed up barely the whole night, thinking how he could do that, how he could get that information, his purpose. But in the middle of that, the tiredness won and when he opened his eyes again, it was morning and Gao Qi was already up, taking his stuff to go. Then, when Yibo sat on the bed, his head hurt a lot and he coughed huskily by how much his throat was aching. That looked as a joke, he couldn’t have been infected by Xiao Zhan yesterday...

“Dude, you look horrible, are you okay?” his roommate asked before leaving, seeming as being in a hurry. Hence, he didn’t worry him too much.

“No, I just need to drink” he knew that wasn't true, but that was all he could make up at that moment.

“If you say so...” Gao Qi didn’t believe him,yet he went away quickly, leaving him alone in that room that was so cold for some reason. Yibo was sure he might have a temperature, but the absence to his lessons was being so frequent, he needed to go or problems would arrive sooner or later. That was why he dressed up with the first clothes he found in his closet and grabbed his bag to eat something in the canteen. In the path, he checked his phone to figure out that Xiao Zhan hadn't answered to him. He clicked his tongue being so disturbed by that moron who was so stuborn in facing everything by himself. Sometimes Yibo really felt so underestimated by him and that made him wonder if he was enough for Xiao Zhan.

Then, once in the canteen, he searched for his friends and found Lulu and Zhong Wei in a table talking relaxedly. He approached with just a coffee he had just bought and sat without greeting. That made his two friends frown and Zhong patted his shoulder to get his attention. “And that dead face?” he asked, at first with amusement, but after he didn’t feel that funny anymore.

“I’m not really feeling too well. Maybe Xiao Zhan infected me yesterday” he explained with a very husky voice even after drinking. It was hot so it ached even more. Lulu, then, approached his forehead with a hand and checked if he was having a temperature.

“You're warm, but still you may need medicines” she commented with her rounds eyes being all over Yibo. The latter just grabbed her hand to stroke it tenderly before talking, though.

“I'll take some after” he reassured both of them and Lulu continued eating her apple. Then, Zong smiled, wanting to play after seeing it wasn't severe.

“Is your body so weak to just get infected by being beside?” he asked with a naughty smile, asking what the whole group of friends had been wanting to know since the last day. Still Yibo only pressed his lips because he couldn’t tell the real reasons behind his flu as Xiao Zhan had asked him not to talk about it with anyone.

“The weather never helps” he excused, trying to look as normal and natural possible. However, he had two friends that knew his facial expressions too much.

“Yes, sometimes it's so cold and suddenly it's so _hot_ ” he remarked the word, setting clear what he really meant to say and getting the attention of Lulu, who grinned amusedly.

“I would know it if that happened, Weiwei” she chuckled sweetly, trusting her friend completely, but Yibo's silence and how he looked aside by the embarrassment and uneasiness provoked that the woman got serious in a second. “Because I would, right?” she asked full of astonishment and Yibo couldn’t keep there, lying to the people he cared about anymore due to keep his promise with Xiao Zhan. That was why he stood up with his coffee to leave.

“I'm late...” that was all he could say after that and even if Lulu called his name while he was walking towards the exit, Zhong Wei was who stopped him because he understood something was wrong and Yibo didn’t want to talk about him. What the student thanked him for because indeed if Lulu got persistent about the subject, he would have an added trouble more. Hence, he left for now and decided to be alone until he knew what would happen between Xiao Zhan and him. He needed to be sure about where he was stepping not to fall. It might just mean to lose everything at that point.

Then, as if life would always give him all he didn’t want to face, hastily, he crashed on Xiao Zhan while turning around a corner and both stayed frozen as their eyes gazed at each other. Those almond eyes were telling him he wasn't happy for having met again and that just made the pain after yesterday harder. Still, he was stubborn with his ideas and his concern surpassed his ache. “Why didn’t you answer me last night?” he asked without a simple greeting, just making his bother evident. Hence, Xiao Zhan showed regret when he looked away with his mouth opening and closing speechlessly.

“I forgot...” that was the only excuse he could think about at that moment and as it sounded as lying completely, his blood burnt inside of his veins.

“I see” his anger after meeting him again just allowed him to reply that while his voice cracked and he ended up coughing, highlighting the fact he was ill too. However, Yibo started to walk away, having finished that brief chat by himself, so that was why Xiao Zhan grabbed his arm to impede him from leaving, but right after he realized what he had just done, his eyes looked around him panicking and releasing him swiftly.

“Are you sick?” he asked while frowning, showing he was worried about him and that detail made Yibo stay a single second more, a part of him desiring to be taken care by Xiao Zhan as he had done yesterday.

“Just sore throat” he answered, allowing him to know how he was, allowing him to take the decision of what to do, yet Xiao Zhan just looked again around him.

“I-I have to go, I'll text you after lessons to see how you are, okay?” that was all his reply could offer. A simple message. And undoubtedly, the high expectations created in Yibo were thrown on the floor and stepped on mercilessly. His anger had been reassured for that question, but that revived the fire that made him feel too bitter.

“You know what? It's not needed” his answer left Xiao Zhan startled the enough time to walk away without having his friend being impulsive to stop his path again. Xiao Zhan was doing all he hated in a person, being silent about his problems, lying and acting as manipulated as a puppet. So he just walked to his lessons, putting a mask on not to infect anyone, and didn’t even take medicines. He couldn’t care less about himself when he was mad. That was why he needed so much someone like Xiao Zhan beside him.

Still, in other class in the same building, a man was attending a lesson with one of his teachers, totally focused on Yibo instead of what that woman was explaining. He was really worried about him because after all, his friend was ill due to the kisses they exchanged the previous day in his bed. Xiao Zhan indeed wanted to take care of him as he had done yesterday, but the words of Fengli resonated in his head with the same threatening voice he had used in the call. Even if Yibo was so angry with him, Xiao Zhan knew if they were aside, it was safer for both. Once that would end and he would be free, he would explain it all to his friend. However, Xiao Zhan wasn't too confident Yibo would even want to hear him after spending months without even talking. Perhaps, he would lose him in the end. But if that meant to protect him, the decision was clear for the student.

*****

The message Xiao Zhan promised came. The answer Yibo gave was brief and rude. After that, they barely met. It was mainly because anyone of them wanted to see each other. Yibo was too hurt by his behaviour and Xiao Zhan was choosing his safety before his own wimps of standing by him. So they didn’t meet, didn't talk, didn’t call or send messages to one another. If they concurred in the same street, Xiao Zhan looked away and Yibo just walked faster. If their group of friends met to have fun or decide the trip in Christmas, they acted as the other wasn't there. Still none of them declined the offer of going to skii because that would ruin everyone's plan as they had been allowed to go as just five as long as they would pay the fee as six. They couldn’t find someone else so one thing was the problem they had and other thing was involving everyone there when Xiao Zhan and Yibo were the first ones who didn’t want them to get in the middle of this.

Yet, they were their friends so of course Lulu tried to know what was happening by asking Yibo. However, the latter always replied rudely or begged her not to ask for that because he didn’t want to talk about that. The most he could say was that they were in bad terms for now, but never said why. Lulu accepted that and stood by him all he needed, making their friendship even closer. She was like his sister, the one who was there for when he needed anything. So even if Xiao Zhan wasn't beside him, he understood he still had people around him. No matter if his feelings weren't the same with anyone else, he wasn't alone, and that calmed him so much the two months that went by until Christmas came.

In the other hand, Xiao Zhan continued his plan of protecting Yibo by not being close anymore even if that hurt him like thousands of knives were cutting his heart in the smallest pieces. Instead, he needed to suffer like that because after the call of that day, no matter how much he tried to avoid Fengli, every time they had to work together or be alone in the department, he had become so bold with what he wanted. Sometimes he touched his body with those disgusting hands and even if Xiao Zhan removed them right after, he saw the satisfaction inside his eyes. Besides, his comments became nastier and nastier, making him want to vomit constantly. He was completely sure Fengli was totally obsessed with him and one day he wouldn't have a stop. Still Xiao Zhan didn’t know what he would if that happened. Should he let him do? Should he report him and put Yibo in danger?

The doubts in his mind were so many that since that call, his behaviour became gloomier, anxious and irritable. He turned into a rude man that preferred to be alone not to create trouble to anyone around them. No matter if Zhong Wei and Cao Wen came many times asking what was wrong with him, Xiao Zhan just told them to mind their business and disappeared again. However, if he repeated that, they both were asking him again if he was okay. At first, Xiao Zhan felt that as a bother, but slowly, he understood the friends he had were real and they were just worrying about him, what made everything harder for him because he must lie or they would be in danger too.

He started to have insomia, lost more weight and his grades dropped. Not only his friends noticed something was wrong with him, but also his teachers, the girls that followed him, even his own family through a phone in Chongqing. His bad state was evident, yet no one knew why or what to do. They even came to Yibo, asking him to try to get the reasons, but Yibo refused to do it, mainly because he knew already the answer. Meanwhile, Xiao Zhan always rejected help or to speak aloud what was going on. And indeed, Yibo saw it. He saw how his trouble was consuming that man slowly and everyday, but he didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to make him trust him. He didn’t so he just focused on his life even if he was dying inside for helping him.

Exams came and now more than before, everyone started to study, just getting used to live in that new reality of Xiao Zhan leaving slowly, Yibo not mentioning him at all and the group breaking because the three of them usually had to choose where to go or with whom to stay. No matter if they wanted to stay with both, it was really troublesome with the small spare time they were having. Luckily, exams made Yibo be more focused on other thing instead of Xiao Zhan and the latter used the excuse of studying to miss the biggest number of lessons possible with Fengli. The student didn't want even to see his disgusting face. His only desire was to end that horrible master degree and take Yibo as far as possible, getting lost in even a desert island. Anything was fine if Fengli didn’t know they were alive.

So, as patience gave their reward, Christmas holidays arrived after weeks of hard work and hectic schedules. The five of them had planned the whole trip since November so they would spend the best holidays ever. But now that all of them were packing their stuff, the current situation shouted they wouldn’t be able to enjoy that as they had thought at first. Still, none of them spoke about cancelling it. Xiao Zhan took that to an opportunity to be so far from Fengli and escape, Yibo decided to stay because his concern regarding his friend was still so strong in him and he would try to know at least if he was fine. Meanwhile, Lulu, Cao Wen and Zhong Wei went along with the trip to be close to Xiao Zhan and push them together to fix whatever trouble they had.

Then, the plan was exactly the day after the last exam, they would pack everything and in Cao Wen's car, they would travel until the very far mountains where the skii resort was. The hour was 10 am in the campus parking. Cao Wen was already there, with that big car he could buy thanks to his parents, helping Zhong Wei and Yibo to put the luggages into the trunk. Then, Lulu arrived running, smiling for almost being late because bringing her two big luggages with her plus a suitcase was complicated. Cao Wen wondered where they would place so many luggages and started to fight between them as Yibo and Zhong just laughed. Then, in the middle of the shouts, Xiao Zhan arrived too with that shameful face he had been showing to all of them since the call occurred. Still Zhong approached him to pat his shoulder and smile at him warmly.

“Now we're ready to go” he just said that, Yibo could hear that too, understanding Zhong meant that without Xiao Zhan, they were incomplete. Xiao Zhan just looked aside, though, and that bothered Yibo who just grabbed his lugagge to place it inside the trunk before Lulu and Cao Wen stopped arguing.

“See? Mine can fit too! Winter clothes are so big, it's not my fault!” she scolded his friend and Cao Wen clicked his tongue, barely making them all fit in the same trunk. Once it was closed, Zhong applauded to light up the mood, but Cao Wen just raised his eyesbrows. Right after, Lulu just grinned, showing she wasn’t angry. And meanwhile, Xiao Zhan and Yibo just remained in silence, with a big space between them. Yibo glanced at him sometimes, he hadn't seen Xiao Zhan for three weeks and now he was realizing he had missed him. Yet, the taller man expressed the same face as the last months, sadness, anxiety, suffering. Yibo was fed up of that so exactly when he was going to turn around to speak to him finally, a voice interrupted them.

“Xiao Zhan, are you going in a trip?” that sarcasm, proper of just one person in the Earth, broke the attempt of a possible approach between them. And also, it broke the small peace Xiao Zhan was having at that moment. Both turned around, Yibo really not mattering who he was, but being able to see the panic in his friend's face.

“Y-yeah...” his voice was shaking, making evident the fear he was feeling with that man. However, the only question was why.

“Have a lot of fun, but always with control that I know how _passionate_ you, young people, are” the grin on his face became bigger and Yibo felt disgusted just by that. Instead, Xiao Zhan laughed falsely.

“Don’t worry, we will control ourselves” his expression was pure terror and Yibo observed that man better, what provoked that Fengli answered his doubts.

“That’s what I like...” suddenly, he approached his friend until leaning his hand on his pectoral and smiled while looking at Yibo's widened eyes. “ _Xiao Zhan_...” his mutter was very close to his ear, but he began to walk right after so it looked more as just a farewell before going away. However, Yibo had understood Xiao Zhan's problem was Fengli and his blood burned instantly. That was why he did a step to chase him and punch that stupid face of his finally, yet suddenly, a warm hand grabbed his wrist tightly. At that moment, Yibo got frozen and his heart throbbed so fast it hurt. He looked behind him, finding Xiao Zhan begging him not to do it with his eyes. Finding that love he had always seen in those black pupils. The love he missed. The love he needed. Slowly, his hand grabbed Xiao Zhan's, remembering how loving that man felt like. It was so bittersweet, but his heart could cry by happiness when Xiao Zhan returned the touch as tender as he always did. Only then, Yibo could see a slight smile showing up so shy his anger disappeared. However, all of that was broken in a second when Xiao Zhan looked behind him and saw something or someone who made him release his hand and walk until the copilot seat to wait for the rest inside of the car.

Everyone there watched him confused, but Yibo looked at the exact point that made him freak out that badly. He only found Fengli observing him with dead eyes and even he could feel goosebumps. That man was so scary. But that exact detail proved him all what was wrong was provoked by that teacher. That was why, at that moment, he decided to use that trip to talk finally with Xiao Zhan. “Guys, let's go” he spoke, not leaving the eyes of that man even a second until he got inside of the car, behind his friend. After, Lulu entered and sat in the middle, with Zhong Wei at the other side. At last, Cao Wen joined too to be the driver and left the parking, way to the skii resort.

Now that his friend was far away from that man, Yibo was sure of recovering the old Xiao Zhan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I just want to warn you this fic will really take a darker shape in the upcomings chapters, especially the last two. If you're sensitive with harrassment or violence, refrain from reading or be careful from now on.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for reading! I'll try to work harder!


	8. The Beginning Of The End

The trip was long. The whole way was about five hours in car without any stop. However, they stopped once to rest and eat something in a train station they found in the middle of the path. Until that moment, the five of them had been just pretty quiet in the car because Cao Wen was paying attention to the road, Xiao Zhan didn’t want to talk and Lulu fell asleep over Yibo's shoulder so they chose not to disturb her. That was why after more than two hours being stuck in the car, they needed to move and stretch their legs. So they came into a restaurant the train station had and sat around a table to ask for some food. While they were waiting for it, they just chatted casually, without a proper subject, so Xiao Zhan just remained in silence, glancing at Yibo. His eyes couldn’t avoid him, he was so handsome to ignore. And indeed, he had missed him. Xiao Zhan still missed him so badly his stomach hurt.

That was why he excused himself to go to the restroom, however, he approached a wall filled with lockers and opened one. He was going to leave his phone there for the whole holidays as long as he had bought a new one two weeks ago because Xiao Zhan was more and more sure Fengli was tracking down his GPS. Hence, he got it from his pocket to place it inside, yet he checked it before and found a message from his teacher. His blood froze in his veins and sweat covered his skin. Still, he had enough courage to check the message. When the chat showed up in the screen, a text and a photo left him speechless. The photo was about two people kissing, but their faces were a bit blurry. So Xiao Zhan zoomed in it, regretting right after because he recognized those two people in a second. It was Lulu and Yibo, kissing in a hidden hallway of the main building. His hand got so tight around his phone that for a moment he thought he was going to break it. And more when he read the message along with it.

**From::** Wang Fengli

_Seems like he has found a quick replacement._

With that, Xiao Zhan resent that photo to his new phone and closed all the tabs in the old one before turning it off to place it inside the locker and shut it down so hard it resonated in the whole station. His anger was collapsing in his brain, mixed with a strong jealousy and a deep sense of betrayal. However, when he got the key and started to return to the restaurant, he wondered if he was allowed to ask him for explanations when they hadn't seen each other for two months, when he had been the one who had said they were friends since the first moment, when they had never been something else than that. He didn’t have the right to feel like this, yet it was uncontrollable inside of him. Just the thought that Yibo could have been seeing someone else while Xiao Zhan was just protecting him was too mean for him. But maybe in the end it was what he deserved in exchange for his silence.

That was why he came back to the table. The food had already arrived so everyone was already eating happily. Yet all Xiao Zhan could do was sitting down beside Cao Wen and glance at Yibo with tears in his eyes. What if he had really lost him? Only then, he wondered if protecting him was that important as he first thought, if he was capable of being in charge of that task. Or maybe he had done everything wrong. And that was the reward he was getting for his behaviour. He didn’t know, though. He wasn't sure of anything anymore and all he cared about now was that Yibo might be going out with Lulu. Indeed, they had become closer than before, they constantly visited each other's bedrooms, shared anything and Lulu loved to be over Yibo the whole time. So indeed, it was possible they...

“Xiao Zhan, are you okay?” Cao Wen asked him hastily. Right away, he noticed he hadn't eaten at all and what was more evident his fists were tight over the table with his eyes looking down as containing his anger.

“Yeah, I was just thinking” he excused himself briefly and picked up some food to pretend as eating, but in reality, he just wanted to vomit by the pain that filled his whole being since his eyes discovered the photo. He couldn't help but remember how they were kissing, how his lips, those he had tasted so willingly, touched others that weren't his. His jealousy was driving him crazy. Hence, he couldn’t be in front of those two people and decided to grab some food and continue eating it in the car. Everyone there was left shocked, but he had been behaving so wrong lately that no one really saw his real mood.

Xiao Zhan just stayed there, eating just a bit because his stomach was hurting like hell. Only then, he thought twice about the photo and the timing it had been sent. Indeed, he couldn’t deny they were kissing, but knowing how Fengli had been trying to set them apart, Xiao Zhan wondered if he had sent it at the beginning of the trip to keep him angry and far from Yibo. And of course, the pieces fixed after discovering the real face of his teacher. The trip could mean a new approach between them because they would live two weeks together after restraining their feelings for months so it was a danger. And more when Xiao Zhan hadn't used his car because of fear he could track it too and would leave his phone in a locker far away from the real resort. Also, he hadn't brought anything that could be found or could reveal his whereabouts. He was safe. And he had thought of being this safe as long as he was planning about talking with Yibo in that trip.

So slowly, Xiao Zhan began to understand the real plan Fengli had and how the student had figured him out. Yet he couldn’t be reckless and think he was finally one step forwards. Even if that sense of freedom felt like clean oxygen, the photo was undoubtedly real. And Xiao Zhan needed to know if they were going out or not. Because if they were, then he would have to give up on Yibo. To give up on the future he had imagined beside him. To give up on kissing him again, on hugging him in the nights, on waking up and seeing the face of the person he liked the most staying with him. And that hurt him more than the fact Yibo could be with anyone else. He was mad for that, but the pain was the reminder that if that had happened was actually because of his fault. Because he provoked that by himself. And he was unable not to regret all the decisions he had taken until that day regarding Yibo.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he didn’t realize the group was already approaching the car to continue the trip and he hadn't eaten even half of what he had grabbed before leaving. Then, Cao Wen approached him and patted his shoulder. “Why are you here?” he asked with worried voice as the othe three got into the car, but keeping an eye on them, as if they were concerned about it too.

“I needed fresh air, I'm a bit dizzy by the trip” he lied again. His answers had been lies since the day he decided to hide everything what was happening around him. His life had become a lie since then, and now he could only continue going on while lying.

“If you need to stop, just tell me, okay?” his kindness just made him feel even worse, but he nodded as being thankful for that. But the truth was that he just needed to escape from conversations where he must lie to keep hiding. And probably that was what was breaking his friendship with all of them. The lies.

Then, in the rest of the path, they looked more chatty in the back part of the car, even Cao Wen joined to sing or play some random game. Xiao Zhan instead just remained in silence, looking through the window, how the landscape was changing from a big valley to a deep forest covered by snow. They were finally arriving. The first day of fifteen of their holidays together was starting and for some reason, Xiao Zhan felt anxious about that. He would only have fifteen days of freedom and after everything would be the same again. He didn’t want to return. He didn’t want to go back to be in that jail, harrassed daily by that man in order to protect Yibo, living constantly with the fear of suffering the consequences if that sick man didn’t like anything. He didn’t want to go back. He wanted those fifteen days to be forever, to be never-ending. Because he had all he wanted there. Freedom and Yibo.

That was why, after another two hours and a half, he finally arrived to the ski resort, to the main building where the administration was. Cao Wen went quickly for the keys and they entered it with the car. It was a huge forest filled with independent houses and several ski slopes to enjoy practicing from the sunrise to the sunset. Because of this, they drove like another 500 metres until their house. Cao Wen parked inside the garage and everyone came out to pick their luggage while admiring how gorgeous the house were. Made part of wood and bricks and part of rock, it had an old style, typical of the moutain cabins. It had two floors and each of them were very spacious. When they came in, a big hall appeared in front of them with the staircase to go to the first floor. Lulu and Zhong left their stuff in front of the door to go check the rest of the rooms first, finding a big living room at the right with two sofas, a chimney, a coffee table and a desk with a chair in front of a big window that allowed the room to get illuminated without the need of artificial lights. At the left of in it, they had the main bathroom with two sinks, a bath tub with shower and a WC. At the left of the hall, they had the kitchen, with two long worktops, filled with cupboards. And in the background, they had a dinning room with a table for indeed six people and another door to the back part of the house.

Once that floor was done, everyone worked together to go up with the luggages. There was a hallway covered by four doors. Three of them were bedrooms, that were furnished with a king-size bed, two closets, two nightstands and different decorative items each, and the last one was another bathroom, a bit smaller but still had a WC, a sink and a shower. After checking all of this, everyone looked so excited to spend two weeks in that house, just the five of them. But now, when the subject of who was going to share the bedrooms was mentioned, no one maintained that happy face anymore.

“I think Lulu should be the one sleeping alone after all” Zhong touched her head affectionately, but she turned around right after with a frown.

“What? I wanted to sleep with Bobo!” she complained, although she understood why Zhong said that.

“Better if you sleep alone, you'd be disgusted with guys like us” Yibo smiled tenderly at her, he was always checking she was completely fine among that group and taking care of anything she needed. That was why Lulu sighed and accepted.

“Wei and I had talked about sharing the same bed, though” Cao Wen suddenly spoke up, highlighting the fact that the third bedroom would be for Xiao Zhan and Yibo. Then, silence surrounded the five people there and before anyone could complain, Yibo grabbed his luggage and approached the bedroom he wanted.

“For me, it's fine” he said in the path, startling everyone there because Yibo had been the one who had rejected to see Xiao Zhan the most lately. However, he had in mind to talk with him and what was the best chance that sharing bedroom for fifteen days? For sure, Xiao Zhan would end up saying something.

“If he snores too much, I'll send him to sleep in the sofa, then” surprising everyone, Xiao Zhan joked, as he used to be, and instead of making that situation be funny, he only got shocked glances. Especially from Yibo who turned around offended.

“Let's see who ends in the sofa first” Yibo challenged him, as if they had gone three months back, and for first time Xiao Zhan grinned. Exactly that made Yibo have hopes again that he could recover him, that not everything was lost yet. So when his friend came in the room and closed the door to start to mess it up with their stuff, Yibo just sat on the bed and watched Xiao Zhan leaving his luggage over the bed to open it and rummage in it.

“Which closet do you want?” he asked without even glancing at his face. Yibo really wondered if he was continuing having that façade as the last months, hiding he was crossing so much trouble alone. That really disturbed him. Because after all, he had given him all of that time. He had contained himself to be away from him and trust what he had said. But of course, Yibo didn’t know how longer he should wait, how much he should bear. Morever, when they were going to sleep together, to live together, to see each other everyday after weeks without knowing anything about one another. So for a second, Yibo's instinct was to show him how much he had missed him.

“Choose yourself” he answered with low voice, still admiring his shape, his almond eyes, his pink lips... Yibo breathed deeper not to chase his victim, but for some reason, he wasn't able. How mad he had been during two months had been horrible. Dreaming every night about him, even touching himself while remembering his hands over his skin in that perfect evening. He wasn't angry. He wasn't blaming Xiao Zhan. He might be frustrated or tired, but how much he had yearned his closeness overcame anything else at that moment. So right after he turned around to place some of his clothes inside of his closet, Yibo stood up and embraced his waist with one arm, leaning the other on the door and pressing all his body against his back. Xiao Zhan got tense in a second, but that didn’t impede him from smelling his neck, calming the beast inside of him.

“Yibo... What...?”

“How longer will you drive me this crazy?” his voice was spoken beside his ear, very low and deep, provoking goosebumps all over Xiao Zhan. “I swear I tried to be angry at you, to forget all I feel for you, to avoid thinking of you...” then, all what was inside his heart exploded like a bomb. “But I was so mad... So mad of needing you, but being unable to help you...” at that moment, Xiao Zhan turned around with his eyes being reddish because of his words. Hence, Yibo touched his chin, playing with their noses as he had missed like crazy. “How longer will you keep like this?” he begged to know against his lips, without touching them, feeling how Xiao Zhan was completely frozen on his spot, not even placing his hands over him.

“I-I...” he tried to speak, but no words could leave his mouth. Yibo was waiting, though. He wanted to finally hear him again. He wanted to hear what he had to say after his confession. Yet nothing came. And the moment was broken when Lulu opened the door suddenly and found them being barely kissing.

“Oh my! I'm so sorry!” she widened her eyes and closed the door as fast as possible. However, Yibo and Xiao Zhan were separated already, not looking at each other anymore. The ambient got tense after that and even Yibo was speechless. He didn’t know why he had touched him like that, why he had confessed that all of sudden if they were more apart than together. Had he done wrong?

“Why did she react like that?” abruptly, Xiao Zhan broke the silence with such an obvious question that made Yibo chuckle.

“We were barely kissing, what do you want?” he went to open his luggage, acting normal again because that was always the best plan between them. He wouldn’t stop using it after more than two years.

“Exactly because of that, aren't you going out?” that question made Yibo almost choke even with his own saliva by the surprise of something as ridiculous as Lulu and him being a couple. It was so absurd, Yibo chuckled thinking it was a joke.

“That’s a good one” however, when he looked up at Xiao Zhan's face and understood he wasn't joking, Yibo frowned at faced him. “Are you stupid? I was about kissing you, telling you that I... And still you think I'm going out with Lulu?! With Lulu!” he exclaimed by the sacrilege he had just spoken. Nor even in thousands of years or hundreds of different parallel worlds, he would be able to treat Lulu as something else than his sister, his girl to take care of.

“Then...” Xiao Zhan gulped, breathing harder as if he was angry suddenly. “Why were you kissing?” that was totally unexpected and Yibo froze on his spot.

“We kissing?!” he raised his voice totally offended by that. Yet that was what made Xiao Zhan grab his phone and show him the pic Fengli had sent to him. Right after, Yibo got pale.

“You have a lost twin now, or what?” Xiao Zhan spat angrily while the younger man was trying to assimilate there was a photo of them kissing going around.

“You don't know the story about this” he tried to defend himself. However, Xiao Zhan was jealous enough to be unable to listen to any of his explanations.

“I don't know the story, but I know the end” he approached Yibo with his face reddish by his blood boiling. “Go to hell!” Xiao Zhan shouted at him and got out of the room, not even closing the door.

“Okay! You're a fucking dumbass, do you hear me?! A dumbass!” he replied shouting and insulting him too, not mattering if everyone in that house was hearing him. He was so fed up of that man. He had just confessed his feelings and the only thing he did was showing a photo of Lulu and him kissing from many months ago and being all angry and jealous. So no matter if Yibo understood his jealousy as a signal that he still cared for him as something else than friends, he was so stupid for not letting him explain himself properly, for just shouting and going away like a kid. So Yibo was sure about not losing against a kid.

That was why he continued placing his stuff inside his closet without even thinking about leaving the room. Then, when he ended, Xiao Zhan hadn't come back so Yibo decided to go downstairs and eat something. Also, to check around his whereabouts. After fifteen minutes, his anger wasn’t no longer with him, and now he was more worried about how the fuck he had gotten that photo. Hence, he looked around unsuccessfully, but found Lulu in the kitchen, preparing a coffee for herself. “Dumbass, do you want one?” she asked to him, not even glancing at his face.

“Tsk, this house has walls of paper” he complained before accepting that coffee and only then, she observed his expression of confusion and regret.

“I find you barely kissing and two minutes after you're shouting at each other, I don't know if that's a progress” she used a hard sarcasm there while blowing her coffee and Yibo sighed, noticing how the perfect chance was messed up that easily.

“He thinks that we're going out, how can't I-?”

“What?!” she widened her eyes shocked and pale. “How’s...?”

“I don't know how, but he has a photo of us kissing” Yibo explained, not being able to keep that inside of him anymore, needing a single advice about that.

“We kissing?!” her voice was louder than recommended so Yibo warned her to lower it a bit or everyone would hear them.

“Yes, from that day I asked you about kissing between friends” he drank a bit of coffee even if his stomach was pretty sick.

“Oh my! Do you want me to go and tell him?” she offered, but her friend shook his head.

“No, I'll find the way to tell him eventually... I guess...” he didn’t sound too convinced and Lulu smiled while caressing his cheek.

“I'm happy that at least you're talking and fighting again” she spoke with sweet voice before Yibo would remove his head, being disturbed for that.

“What's good in fighting? After all this time and we...” he was just gloomy about not having achieved anything with Xiao Zhan in the room when he was about to kiss him. Yet Lulu hit his arm, almost making him drop his coffee.

“And what do you want?! We've only been here for an hour. Be a bit more patient” she scolded him for indeed being like a kid sometimes and Yibo couldn’t retort back, mainly because he knew she was right. That was why he nodded and stayed in the kitchen while Lulu went to the living room where Zhong Wei and Cao Wen were together. Yibo wanted to be alone to think about what to do, how to approach, how to explain. He needed to think about many things. Even if it was worth it to make a move now.

Indeed, all these weeks alone, without knowing anything about Xiao Zhan, without meeting him, without seeing his eyes, just returning to the life he had before knowing that man, had been something he didn’t want to repeat again. Maybe that was what being in love meant. Being able to be apart, but not wanting to stay too far away, not wanting to be that longer, needing that person in the end because the happiness and satisfaction he felt when he was with Xiao Zhan was unique. So Yibo, instead of being angry or blaming that man for having gone away, he was just frustrated and mad with himself. After their last chat, he accepted Xiao Zhan's decision without trying it again, thinking that maybe waiting like that was the best choice, not even going to ask him how he was when everyone around him was worried. Somehow, Yibo had carried a regretful feeling all way long because in the end, he didn’t know what to do. And exactly that made it harder for him to now approach again. He wanted to, but he was afraid Xiao Zhan felt that, indeed, he hadn't been there for him.

Hence, he stayed for a while in that kitchen, looking at his already-cold coffee. Just wondering which the first step was between them. The argument they had just had wasn't, that was for sure. Even if they finally interacted, Yibo wasn't satisfied by that, he was rather ashamed for it. That was why, when a tall man came into the kitchen to grab a glass of water without looking at him, Yibo knew the answer. It was so easy in the end.

“I’m sorry for having insulted you back in the bedroom” he apologized to Xiao Zhan, who remained still with the glass in his hand. Then, he drank a bit of it, his body moving harsher as if he was nervous.

“I'm sorry too...” he muttered with low, deep voice, not setting his gaze away from the glass.

“Sorry for what?” Yibo asked, though. He didn’t know why he was apologizing because after all if he received a photo alike of Xiao Zhan, he would be even madder.

Then, the older man turned around to face him with reddish eyes. “I’m sorry for everything” and even if he smiled bitterly after that sentence, Yibo understood the guilt he was carrying over his shoulders was more than what he could bear. However, he stayed shocked for that and Xiao Zhan left faster, making their conversation finish briefly. Yibo raised his hand to stop him, having thousands of things to say, yet nor a single word could be spoken by his mouth. Did that mean that Xiao Zhan wasn't angry with him either? That indeed, waiting as he had done was what he had wanted? Did that mean they still had a chance?

Yibo removed a tear from his cheek. That apology had been like a wipe cleaning all the pain from his heart in one go. He had never realized how much he had always needed such a thing. Just an I'm sorry. Just a sentence that made him keep in that kitchen, shedding all the tears he couldn’t for weeks in silence. His love for Xiao Zhan was aching. Like a phoenix burning from the ashes. Being unable to be killed, to be erased, to disappear.

*****

After spending a great dinner being the five of them together, they just watched a movie sharing sofas. Lulu and Yibo in one and Zhong, Cao Wen and Xiao Zhan in other. The movie was being pretty boring so the woman fell asleep on Yibo's shoulder, looking really tired after the whole trip and installment. In the other side, Zhong was eating popcorn with Cao Wen stealing some from time to time and Xiao Zhan was just leaned on the armrest, glancing more at Yibo and Lulu than at the TV. Of course, the younger man saw that and understood he was being jealous by his friend sleeping over him as long as Yibo was also hugging her so she wouldn't fall to anywhere. That was why, after thirty minutes of a horrible movie, he decided to take Lulu to her bedroom and go himself to his too. “Good night, guys” he spoke to his friends, who stayed there being so focused on it.

Yibo walked while carrying her on his arms as if she was a princess. Lulu just hugged his neck tightly, she was awake after being caught, but loved how well Yibo treated her. And the latter had never really cared about pampering her constantly. So he took her to her bedroom and dropped her on the sheets softly, covering her with them after. At last, he kissed her forehead and Lulu smiled satisfied before turning around and continuing sleeping. Yibo grinned by how sweet she was and left the room slowly, closing the door carefully. When he headed to his room, he saw Xiao Zhan also going upstairs, probably to rest as well, and both of them got into the bedroom together without a word. The ambient was tense, yet Yibo didn’t want to say anything for now. After his apology, if he did the step, he would reach the very end with Xiao Zhan in that bed without any type of boundary. Hence, he breathed deeply and sat on his side, lying down while looking at the wall so they would avoid touching each other. For what he felt behind him, Xiao Zhan also lay down while looking at the other side so their backs were facing one another.

Then, right on the edge, he tried to sleep, to close his eyes and rest for a few hours before waking up and going skiing. However, just knowing Xiao Zhan was there made him be nervous and his brain couldn’t stop a single bit. He still had to explain him about that photo. And being like that, in the dark and back against back sounded better than looking at the other in the day. So knowing he was still awake because he wasn't stopping moving either, Yibo took the decision to speak. “That photo of Lulu and me...” he gulped, not knowing if he would want to listen to the story. “It’s not fake. We did kiss once” he affirmed, choosing the truth above anything else. “It was many months ago, before the party in Chen's room. I found Lulu and I asked her if I should feel something if I kissed one of my friends” he grabbed the pillow strongly, remembering that day, the same when they first kissed too in that closet. How much he would love to go back then... “She told me that I shouldn’t and we kissed to make me realize indeed between friends there shouldn’t be feelings” for a second, he was even regretting that kiss. It represented the point of no return for his feelings to be exposed. Since that day, he didn’t stop, none of them could stop and reached this situation. He hated that.

“So you're not going out?” Xiao Zhan asked, showing he was believing in his story and Yibo turned around to face him, yet only his back was in front of him.

“Never. I don't know how you got that photo, but they wanted you to think something that has never existed and will ever exist” slowly, Yibo approached Xiao Zhan by behind and hugged his waist. Being able to smell that soft scent was the lullaby he needed. “As you told me to trust you, please, trust me you too” his voice was spoken really soft over his neck before hugging him tighter, pressing their bodies closer because he had missed another night beside him so much.

“I do...” Xiao Zhan, suddenly, replied in a mutter while holding his hand over his belly. At that moment, Yibo felt like sinking into a sea of happiness. He was believing in him yet and accepting that closeness, two things Yibo thought he wouldn’t have from Xiao Zhan ever again. So the relief, the warm and his achievements that night made him finally relax and fall asleep quickly, never breaking that hug.

*****

After waking up hugging, as every time they had slept together, they didn’t talk about anything deeper than where his jacket was or when they wouls go to ski. Both met with the group to have breakfast and the ambient was really calm and relaxed, being able to have fun since the very beginning of the day. It seemed that Yibo's honesty had made Xiao Zhan feel better and that provoked he interacted more in the group, even with Lulu when Yibo thought he would feel tense with her at first. That trip was going better than expected so they followed their plan of going to ski the whole day. They had rented some ski equipment and two snowboards because Yibo really wanted to try it. In the meantime, Zhong Wei already knew how to ski so he trained Lulu and Cao Wen with endless fails and falls. But Xiao Zhan just kept looking at Yibo, with a snowboard on his hands. However, he had never done it and he was a bit clumsy with sports, so he was afraid of trying by himself.

Then, as Yibo noticed him being all alone and insecure, he approached him. “Why aren't you skiing?” he asked while removing the scarf over his mouth not to get sore throat by the cold.

“I don't know how to...” he moved the snowboard like trying to guess how to even fix it to his feet. Right after, Yibo grabbed and placed it in the snow.

“Sit down on the floor and put your foot into the bindings to fit them properly” Yibo explained the process while indicating with his finger the parts he mentioned. Then, Xiao Zhan sat on the ground and tried to follow his steps. Finally, he felt it tight enough and the snowboard was totally fixed to his foot. After, he repeated the process with the other foot. The complicated part was now standing up because the snowboard was really slippery over the snow. Thankfully, Yibo was grabbing him and he could get on his feet successfully. However, he grabbed his wrists so tightly because Xiao Zhan was sure Yibo would push him to go all the way down until falling.

“Don’t drop me!” he shouted at him, panicking when it moved hastily. His balance was so clumsy because he was so afraid of going away and fall down.

“I'm not gonna do that! Wait” Yibo stack his snowboard side on the snow while holding Xiao Zhan and checked his feet too. Now, they were ready. “Okay, grab me better on my arms” he spoke and Xiao Zhan tranferred his grip from his wrists to his biceps and Yibo held him too by his arms. “Do you trust me?” he smiled, being excited by doing that with Xiao Zhan.

“No!” his friend panicked when he saw that expression. It could mean he was as excited as a kid or that he would do a prank on him. However, that reply wasn't valid for Yibo who moved his snowboard to start to go down, attracted by the gravity. “We're gonna fall!” the older man shouted, really thinking they would end up on the ground. However, as they were grabbing each other, Yibo guided him to both sides and if he lost balance, their arms maintained him on his feet. They were going slow, yet it felt so nice because for first time Xiao Zhan understood what having a support was. Probably, if he had tried by himself, he wouldn’t have been able to stand on the board without falling down. But as long as Yibo was holding him, he was moving along the snow in his first attempt, being held by him, being safe in his arms. And because he understood being alone without anyone to catch him had been his worst mistake, his eyes were stuck on him, needing his arms holding him forever. After all, only Yibo could do it that tenderly...

But, suddenly, as Xiao Zhan was absorbed by his thoughts, when Yibo went to turn around, he didn’t move and their both snowboards crashed, making them stop hastily and fall one over the other without possibility of saving themselves. Xiao Zhan just closed his eyes feeling a hard pain on his butt and back when he crashed against the ground, but also, Yibo fell over him. “Zhan-ge, are you okay?” right after, that question came as that heavy body disappeared and instead two hands tried to raise his head.

“I'm fine...” he spoke while opening his eyes, finding a worried expression.

“You should be more careful! Focus only on this” Yibo had noticed the reason of his mistake and Xiao Zhan just nodded while sitting on the snow, feeling his body okay thanks to the snow that had received the impact.

“I’m sorry” he only spoke that with gloomy face, still thinking that about Yibo's support. Even with it, he could fall. If he did a mistake, he could fall even with his support.

“C’mon” suddenly, Yibo took him back to the real world and leaned on the snow to stand up. Then, his hand was offered. “Let’s try again” he smiled at him, as if the sun had been reincarnated into a human. And when Xiao Zhan grabbed that hand to stand up, he understood falling was inevitable, but having someone beside him to help him to stand up was easier and better than standing up by himself. That was why, when he was in front of him, he grabbed his arms again, saying with his actions he wanted to try it again with his help. Then, Yibo got his snowboard on position and they started to go down all the way, moving swifter every time they did another attempt.

Soon, Xiao Zhan was filled with confidence thanks to Yibo and they laughed together when someone did a mistake or lost balance. Even sometimes, one of them pushed the other as a scare, but never released their arms. They never let the other go away. Until, the sunset arrived and everyone was so tired of practicing. Still, Xiao Zhan and Yibo were playing around while Lulu, Zhong and Cao Wen were waiting for them to return the equipment. And for a second, everyone there felt as if they were in the past, without troubles hitting the group like these last months. They were really satisfied by that experience because finally, they were seeing Xiao Zhan smiling and joking and talking. Actions that he hadn't done for a lot of weeks and that everyone missed.

So when they were back to the house, everyone took a shower in turns while others prepared the dinner. Only Lulu and Xiao Zhan could cook properly so when they were taking a shower, Yibo, Zhong and Cao Wen tried to not cook, they tried to not ruin what they had already done. The dinner ended up being really nice and the jokes were assured around the table. The ambient was so comfortable and relaxed, so much no one there expected it. After so many weeks full to concern and trouble, that looked as a miracle. Hence, all of them enjoyed that time at its fullest just in case that situation would come back once returned to the campus. To their regular lives.

Yet, time didn’t stop and they went to sleep so another day would start. In the third day, they went to ski again, really loving that and having so much fun. Progressing a lot and improving together as well. However, as winter was accompanied by bad weather, their region would suffer hard blizzards for the next three days, so they should remain in home, just going out to the administration for food, wood or anything of first need, but nothing else. That looked bored, but in their fourth day, they did a marathon of movies, what ended up being so much fun. Besides, in the fifth day, they decided to learn to cook properly so Xiao Zhan and Lulu became teachers of three clumsy students who loved playing with the food rather than cooking itself. And in the sixth day, the weather seemed a bit calmer, but still the cold was strong so they remained inside.

Lulu, Yibo and Xiao Zhan were having breakfast in the kitchen, sharing stuff and barely talking because they were too sleepy yet. The older man was just doing circles with a spoon in the coffee and Yibo grabbed his hand to make him stop. At first, it was an innocent action, but once they felt each other's warmth, it was like something awakened inside of them. So their contact was brief and tense in the end. In all those days, they had just started all over again. Nothing else than some smiles or trouches, but neither a single kiss nor even a hug. However, every morning they woke up being a mess in the bed, as if their bodies were attracted so badly. Aside of that, they didn’t talk about anything important, just trivial, letting their connection, their tacit understanding, make the rest of the work.

Hence, Lulu smiled when she saw actions like that, because after, their faces turned brighter and their ears were reddish. It was a signal they were doing good. But sometimes the feeling inside of them was so strong they couldn’t control it and like Xiao Zhan at that moment, they needed to finish it. “Are Weiwei and Wenwen still asleep again?” he spoke, breaking that silence with another trivial subject.

“They're always waking up late” Yibo complained while eating a bun of strawberry.

“I’m gonna wake them up” then, Xiao Zhan stood up, finding the perfect excuse to breathe alone for five seconds. It was really hard to be calm if Yibo was close to him, showing his intentions of going further lately. A part of him wanted to succumb, but indeed, if he did that, all those weeks without even a single message might be in vain in the end. So the doubts of what he should do appeared again in his heart. That was why the best solution was keeping his mind busy like going to wake up those two morons that loved sleeping too much. Not even having a glimpse of mercy, he opened the door in a fast move to scare them and made them wake up faster while raising his voice. “Time to wa-!” his words were cut off by what he found instead. His two friends were naked, having sex unashamedly in the morning as the three of them were downstairs having breakfast. However, in the moment he opened the door, both of them separated like two springs and covered their bodies as fast as they could, having the same panicking expression as Xiao Zhan. For a second, no one of them knew too well what to say. Until the man on the threshold spoke aloud. “What the fuck does this mean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take this chapter as the calm before the storm.


	9. Edge Of Abyss

Once the door was opened, Zhong and Cao Wen, who were having sex so passionately as if that wasn't the first time they did that, separated as fast as possible under the shocked gaze of Xiao Zhan, who stayed there, observing both of them and being astonished at what he had just found and could have never imagined. For a second, that man wanted to think it had just been the heat of the moment after sleeping some days together, but their expressions, the way Cao Wen was grabbing Zhong or how the latter was kissing him told him that hadn't been just improvised. They hadn't done this by their insticts of sexual needs, but because they enjoyed that with each other. They did enjoy that so much Xiao Zhan had been able to tell it in just a second he had seen. And the fact that they could have been hiding that from him for a while already made him be mad and displaced by two of his best friends.

“Xiao Zhan, let us end and after we will explain-“

“I want an explanation right now!” he shouted at the two of them, having even a vein marked in his neck by the anger. “Cao Wen, you have a girlfriend, what the hell are you doing?!” his words had no filter and Cao Wen just looked aside, regret filling him. However, Zhong stood up to dress his underwear and face him.

“If you have no idea, don't even dare to speak” that was the first time he had seen Zhong talking that serious and scary. His words were concise too and he left the room to go take a shower. Instead, Cao Wen remained naked in the bed, not even daring to look up. That was why Xiao Zhan closed the door and approached a bit, wanting his attention.

“Since when?” he asked with low voice, not showing his anger to discuss that properly, but when Cao Wen didn’t give a reply, his blood boiled. “Since when have you been cheating on your girlfriend?!” raising his voice was inevitable just by the thought his friend could be the type of guy who were with two at the same time. However, right after that shout, Cao Wen raised his red eyes filled with rage.

“I haven't cheated on anyone!” he shouted too, feeling his reaction too unfair and out of place. Xiao Zhan just frowned, not knowing anything about what he was talking. And for an instant, he wondered how much he was unaware of. “I broke up with her a month ago, okay? So being with Zhong is okay” he explained, calming down a bit because indeed he didn’t want to argue with Xiao Zhan, yet the latter was totally shocked for that. The story was already mind-blowing, but the fact he was discovering it a month after made him rethink how much he had been aside of the group.

“Why did you do that?” he asked, needing to know something so important in the lives of his friends. Needing to know now because otherwise, when would he?

“Things weren't working too well between us and Wei started to listen to my troubles... He supported me everyday until I realized that I really liked him. Then, I decided to tell my ex-girlfriend, break up with her and start something with Wei” Cao Wen told the happenings briefly, not giving too many details either and Xiao Zhan felt so frustrated suddenly. He hadn't realized nothing of that. He hadn't seen Cao Wen's love problems. He hadn't seen their feelings. He hadn't seen anything because he was so busy avoiding all of them. And just because he was scared and ran away.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Xiao Zhan dared to ask, really needing to know the reason. However, Cao Wen stood up to dress his underwear too without knowing what to answer too well. Until he turned around and faced him.

“After all these weeks, do you really dare to ask that?” his voice sounded filled with rage and frustration, showing how Cao Wen had suffered for him. How he had suffered alone and he hadn't been there for him.

“If you had told me, I would have-“

“You would have what?!” hastily, he shouted, expressing all the pain he hadn't shown in the last two months. “You weren't there! You weren't anywhere! How could I count on you if you couldn't even count on me to tell me what the hell was going on with you?!” he reproached Xiao Zhan badly, expressing how indeed Cao Wen had been feeling the frustration, which he was feeling at that moment because of not knowing about their relationship, for all of those weeks he had decided to keep far away from them without any type of explanation.

“If I didn’t, it was because I can’t tell you...” his reason sounded more like an excuse for Cao Wen and that looked as gasoline on the fire.

“You're a coward” suddenly, his friend spoke with an expression of disgust Xiao Zhan had never seen before on him. And that just made him clench his fists not to explode. “What’s that of not being able? Maybe it's better to say you don't have the guts for that?” those mean words hit Xiao Zhan so harmfully that his anger increased in seconds. He knew nothing. He didn’t know all he had to live with everyday. The fear, the paranoia of feeling chased, the anxiety of being manipulated and harrassed, plus also the stress of being threated by ruining the life of Yibo. He didn’t know all of that so how could he talk so freely?

“Better if you shut up, Cao Wen. You know nothing” he warned him before losing his control, with the bad luck that his friend had already lost the filter between his brain and mouth since he had come into the room.

“No, I DO know” he approached aggressively. “I know that you don't have the guts to be honest with Yibo and prefer to use him as long as you're aware he's gonna do anything you say!” he spat mercilessly and for Xiao Zhan, that was the knife that broke the sanity left in his brain.

“Do not even dare to mention Yibo here, do you hear me?!” he shouted at Cao Wen back, warning him to be careful with what he said, but that man didn’t care anymore.

“Oh, now is he important to you?!”

“Of cou-!”

“Bullshit!” he cut his reply off as loud as his own throat could.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Lulu and Yibo began to hear the shouts from the two men and wondered what was going on. That was when Zhong appeared with an angry face and didn’t answer to anyone, Lulu stayed with him and Yibo went upstairs to check why they were arguing like that. However, hearing his name made him remain outside, beside the door, with his heart throbbing so strong.

“If he were important to you, you would know he's been in love with you for years! You would know how much he had suffered day after day hearing rumors of when you were with all those girls, hearing your rejections, hearing any type of bullshit, but he kept there, waiting for you!” Cao Wen defended Yibo after having remained in silence for too much time. And exactly because of that, he couldn’t stop. “At least, be honest with him, fuck! I had a girlfriend and still had the guts to tell her and be honest with Zhong. You're free, what's the problem then?!” he spat, talking without knowing anything and Xiao Zhan bit his lower lip so hard it began to bleed.

“That I'm free?!” his voice returned the shout with a tear falling through his cheek.

“Yes! You can be with anyone you want, then why do you do that with Yibo?! Is he just a toy for you?!” Cao Wen went too far that even Yibo outside felt his heart stop beating for a second. Xiao Zhan instead felt like dying right now. His desperation for being understood was too high his breathing was even collapsing, yet the fear of what Fengli could do if he talked was terrifying him until the limit of feeling panic.

“I JUST CAN'T, OKAY?! I CAN'T SAY IT. I CAN'T. I-“

“Why can't you?! Just say it, fuck! Be brave for once in your fucking life!” then, that word Xiao Zhan had forgotten about appeared in his life again. Brave. Indeed, he hadn't been brave. He had just hidden. And provoked all of that. All that pain. Frustration. Disappointment. Agony. Anger. Rage. All by himself. So after all, Cao Wen was right.

“I'M BEING THREATENED, OKAY?!” maybe, that was how courage felt like, though. “If I like someone, if I want just a fuck, if I want to confess, I can't do anything of that or my career is done!” he explained aloud finally. Tears falling down non-stop while sobbing at some parts. His eyes were burning so much the image of Cao Wen was blurred. However, his horrified expression was still visible.

“W-what?”

“At first, it was because I was like a teacher and I couldn’t hit on my students, but since Yibo appeared...” he sobbed hard, covering his eyes in despair because he didn’t know how to even tell all of that. “I couldn’t control myself. I like Yibo too much I fell... And since that day, the threats about destroying his life too were harder...” his words were messy because a lot had happened indeed, however Cao Wen was still. Just listening to all of that as if time had stopped. “He’s following me constantly... He knows anywhere I go so if I get close to Yibo even a bit, he will...” the anxiety in him was so strong he was sobbing so hard it was impossible for him to end the sentences. His brain was confused and paralyzed by what would happen from now on Cao Wen knew. “He told me if I dared to say this to someone, he would hurt you too... I couldn't... I was so scared...” he sat on the bed because his legs were feeling like jelly, his whole body was shaking by the panic. Now Cao Wen would be in danger too. What had he done?

Suddenly, the door of the room was opened and Yibo appeared on the threshold, his eyes injected in rage. Cao Wen looked at him, completely shocked and in blank. He hadn't said even a single word after Xiao Zhan confessed all of that, maybe regretting his previous words or maybe just being in a hard shock. Either way, Yibo decided to act in his place. “Cao Wen, go downstairs. This is private” he spoke lowly, his voice emanating so much rage even Cao Wen lowered his eyes and walked towards the door. Before leaving, he looked back, at that man who was crying on the bed inconsolably, and closed the door behind him, leaving both of them alone. Slowly, he approached Xiao Zhan and kneeled in front of him. “It’s Wang Fengli, right?” that was the first thing he said when their gazes finally met with the truth blowing up between them.

“Have you heard everything?” he sobbed, just caring about that. Unluckily, as Xiao Zhan and Cao Wen, he had gone through so much lately and his patience was low with a high level of restrained rage.

“I know the truth because I hid behind a door” his eyes reflected disappointment. “How much longer did you plan to bear that?” he asked with angry voice, trying to calm down because Xiao Zhan was crying so hard unsuccessfully. And indeed, when the older man saw those eyes, that letdown caused by him, he understood he had done everything wrong.

“I thought I could bear it until I finished my master degree...” he explained with the need that Yibo would be comprehensive with him, that he would realized the reasons why he did that. “I swear that I've never played with you” he tried to touch his cheek with his shaking hand, but Yibo just stood up, turning around while brushing his hair. Xiao Zhan's hand was dropped in the air, falling over his lap. What did he expect now?

“Do you want to be a hero, huh?” Yibo spat while looking back at him, his expression being broken by pain. It was all his fault. “Tell me!” he yelled at him while doing a step forwards. “Do you want to protect everyone by your own?!” his voice sounded husky, as if he was under so much sorrow too. That was why Xiao Zhan stood up and tried to approach, but Yibo didn’t let him.

“If something happens to you because of my fault...” two tears fell hard over his cheeks while their eyes were conveying to Yibo all his fear, his panic due to the unawareness of what that man could do. He was crazy, sick. Xiao Zhan didn’t want to taste what he was capable of. Because indeed, if something happened to Yibo, that would be the end of him.

“Then, allow me to defend myself!” he shouted as being obvious. “Let me know what's wrong and act!” his words were being so logic Xiao Zhan understood the darkness inside of him hadn't allowed to see more options. The fear and the confusion had blocked him until that day, ignoring what that man said wasn't true. Fengli had put a blindfold over his eyes and he didn’t notice he had hands to remove it by himself. How stupid had he been?

“I was so scared I didn’t...”

“That’s your problem!” Yibo spat while breathing hard. “Always trying to solve everything by youself and that's impossible!” his words were like slapping his face constantly with facts that were true, with mistakes of himself that made this story collapse in what was happening now. “You can't carry all the burden by yourself, you're a human, you need help!” suddenly, he did a step forwards, approaching Xiao Zhan who was looking aside since a long while, being so ashamed of his actions he wasn't able to gaze at Yibo's eyes anymore.

“But I couldn’t ask you or...”

“Or what?!” his voice got harsher. “You couldn’t or you didn’t want?” right after hearing that question, his eyes looked into those dark pupils. He met his anger. He faced his agony. His pain. And that hurt him as he never thought possible. “I understand that man is so powerful he can ruin your career, even mine. But what happens? Life goes on and if I'm with you, I don't mind my work or whatever” he spoke calmer, making him see there was more life than that. Xiao Zhan had just focused that if their career were ruined, their lives too, but never thought that there were many other things. He had Yibo, his family, his friends, he could start all over again somewhere else. But he didn’t see that on time.

“I just wanted to protect you, Yibo. I swear...”

“Stop swearing” he cut him off, still looking angry. “I’m not a kid, I'm not someone you need to protect as if I can do nothing. I'm an adult, someone you can count on. But you didn’t” he frowned, showing that what had hurt him the most in all of that story was that Xiao Zhan never counted on him about this. And the older man saw how their trust broke in the same moment Xiao Zhan didn’t feel safe while telling him his problems.

“I'm sorry...” only that left his mouth when he understood his actions had hurt him and their relationship endlessly. He hadn't trusted his friends, he hadn't trusted Yibo, he hadn't trusted even himself all this time. He had always craved for his trust, but had ignored he had to trust him too. It needed to be a mutual feeling. He had forgotten that was how friendships and relationships worked. He had forgotten so many things unluckily.

“You let me down so much, Xiao Zhan...” Yibo bit his lower lip hard, trying to contain his tears. That image was so hard to see, so complicated to accept. He had let him down during all that time. All Yibo had given him was on the ground right now because in the end, Xiao Zhan didn’t grab anything. And not because he couldn’t, but because he was so scared to face what might happen if he did.

“I’m so sorry, Yibo... I'm...” he did a step forwards, needing to touch him, needing his embrace. However, Yibo moved aside, turning around because he was so disappointed physical contact was unwelcomed. And that rejection was what hit him so harshly he realized he had been so focused on not losing everything without knowing what that everything meant. “I’m so sorry...” he sobbed while covering his mouth with a hand being unable to keep there, seeing how he had destroyed everything between Yibo and him. That was why he opened the door and ran away, needing fresh air to breathe. So he went downstairs and crossed the kitchen and dinning room to get out through the back door. It was so cold outside and he wasn't wearing a coat, just a sweater. However, he needed to feel that cold, that pain on his skin. He needed to be alone, to breathe and think what had just happened. Xiao Zhan just needed to walk around for a while.

But not even five minutes after, Yibo got out too of the house calling for his name. Xiao Zhan looked behing him and saw how he was approaching, but the older man didn’t want to meet him at that moment. So he walked into the forest behind the house to lose him, but his voice calling him became stronger. “Go away, I want to be alone!” he shouted at him before starting to run among the trees. That was why Yibo ran too not to miss him. However, stepping on the snow was so complicated as the latest days it had fallen too strong and the amount was pretty thick.

“Xiao Zhan, stop! Let's go back. It's so cold!” Yibo shouted to make him hear his words, but his friend just continued running while shedding some rebel tear. He wasn't ready to face Yibo for now after all they talked about, after having told him the truth, after having argued, after having heard he had let him down. He couldn’t look at him anymore. Xiao Zhan needed time to think about that.

“Stop chasing me! I need to be alone!” he yelled back at him, not stopping even if his legs started to be so tired and his lungs hurt because of breathing that cold air. However, Yibo didn’t stop, he was so stubborn to reach him no matter what.

“Xiao Zhan! We're gonna get lost, come back!” he warned him, but Xiao Zhan knew that was a lie as they could follow their steps to go back home. So he continued running, wanting to hide from Yibo. Unsuccessfully, his condition was too low after crying that much, after hard weeks filled with insomia, after so much anxiety and stress. So his steps were downgraded to be just walking, still wanting to disappear from the Earth and hide forever.

“Let me alone!” he cried being unable to do another step more. So because Yibo could still run, he could reach him in some seconds, grabbing him from his shoulders when he saw Xiao Zhan fell on his knees because of the tiredness. He was barely drowning by sobbing with that cold and Yibo rubbed his back to make him breathe properly.

“C'mon, calm down, breathe in and out deeply” he spoke lowly beside his ear, doing it himself too so Xiao Zhan would repeat with him. The older man tried to do it, to calm down because his chest was really hurting as one of his hands grabbed his forearm as support.

“Yibo... Go away...” he spoke even if just feeling the cold oxygen entering his lungs provoked a hard ache in his torso. However, he raised his reddish eyes to meet Yibo's and all he could find was concern in his pupils. That man in front of him had always been so worried for him, but Xiao Zhan never allowed him to walk inside his heart and let him see what he had to offer as his true self. That was why when that warm hand wiped away his tears from his cheek gently, Xiao Zhan closed his eyes tightly.

“Don’t cry anymore, we can still solve this” his comforting words were so bittersweet that without thinking about it, the older man embraced his neck tightly, hiding his face into the neck of his coat. At first, it was only him needing that hug, but shortly after, two arms surrounded his waist tenderly.

“I’m so sorry...” he muttered beside his ear. Softly, a warm hand brushed his hair as Yibo separated a bit from him to look into his eyes.

“Don't apologize anymore, now we-“

“No” his decided voice cut his words off. “You’re right. Cao Wen is right. I'm a coward. I didn’t want to face Fengli because I was more scared of facing you” he confessed to Yibo. “I’ve never been honest with you. I hid constantly, forcing you to follow what I wanted without even wondering what you needed” his hand rubbed his cheek softly, loving how sweet his skin was. “I thought if I could protect you, losing you was fine, but...” at that moment, Xiao Zhan pressed their foreheads together, Yibo allowing that as his index finger touched that mole under his lip tenderly. “Now I realize if I lose you, then I have nothing else” he bit his lower lip, really feeling despair by just the thought of losing Yibo completely. Indeed, maybe it was late or maybe he was still on time to fix the last pieces. He didn’t know and Yibo didn't look as wanting to solve anything for now. His friend only grabbed his both cheeks with his palms to kiss his forehead lovingly.

“I'm not your world, I'll never be such. But I can live with that” suddenly, his words were like a knife in his stomach. Moreover, when their eyes crashed after that sentence, Yibo tensed his lips as if he was restraining what he wanted to say fully and that made him be frozen, be speechless. He didn’t know what to answer to that. It was the perfect example of how much pain he had suffered to reach that conclusion. To reach the point he didn’t trust his words anymore. Even if Xiao Zhan said now that was a lie, Yibo would only grin and accept words that didn’t reflect the reality after. Was their relationship that destroyed? “C’mon, let's go back. We need to talk when we will be calmer” Yibo broke that moment of sincerity between them to stand up and help him to be on his feet again. Only when he felt the wind surrounding his body, Xiao Zhan realized that his body was barely frozen. His arms could hardly move because the sweater he was wearing couldn’t protect him from the -8°C that were marking the winter in that region, conserving all that snow and frozen forest for months.

“How could you go out without even a coat?” Yibo scolded him with severe voice and right after, he opened his and removed it. “I’m warm enough, wear it until returning” he gave him his coat and Xiao Zhan was so cold that he was so thankful when that warmness filled his frozen bones. However, he felt guilty because now Yibo had to handle the coldness with just a sweater. Hence, he did the effort to make his legs walk even if they were burning.

“Let’s go back quickly, then” his voice sounded calmer and decided. He had no more strength to cry, he was totally defeated and needed to rest the whole day near the chimney, if possible, hugging Yibo until falling asleep in his arms. But maybe that was asking too much after all.

“Let's follow our steps. I have no idea where we are, shit” Yibo started to walk, staring at the path they had created when they had run through the forest, but he also stared at how the sky turned completely grey and how the first snowflakes began to fall. “We need to be fast or we may be caught by a blizzard” his face showed concern for the weather and their situation, but even if Xiao Zhan was understanding the danger they might be facing at that moment, his body was in his limit.

“My legs can't go faster... They don't...” he whined sometimes when his feet tried to move, but they were burning by the cold. That was why Yibo approached him and grabbed his waist to help him to walk.

“You can do it. We haven't run that much, we're so close” he encouraged him not to give up. Indeed, those words were like fuel for his body because even if it was painful as hell, he obligated his limbs to move as fast as possible, following the steps on the snow that were starting to be erased by the constant snow that was falling harder and harder because the wind had become stronger. Both of them knew they were really close to the house, but their sight started to be so closed by the layer of snow falling violently. The house was nowhere to be found and the steps were hardly visible until the floor was covered by an insane amount of snow in such a brief time lapse. That was why, when the steps disappeared completely and he couldn't see further than two meters in front of them, they needed to take a decision.

“If we continue walking, we may get lost by real” Yibo took into consideration that possibility. However, Xiao Zhan couldn’t stay there.

“But we only have one coat, we can't stay here waiting for the blizzard to end, we would die before!” he reasoned feeling the panic of being in the trap of the nature. Then, Yibo faced him and calmed him.

“It’s okay, I told them that we would be back very soon. With this storm, for sure they're already searching for us. They won't take any longer” Yibo explained to him and indeed, that sounded better than being all alone without anyone missing them. But they still had the problem of bearing the cold until they would arrive. That was why Xiao Zhan tried to return the coat to Yibo, however the latter impeded it. “Stay with it, my condition is better than yours” he rejected the idea. But Xiao Zhan couldn’t accept that. Hence, when they sat on a rock that was near to wait, he opened the coat and hugged Yibo to give him some warmth and share it.

“Do not dare to complain, I'm not gonna allow you to die because of my fault” he spoke while his friend just smiled and leaned his head on his shoulder. Indeed, the warmth between them made them feel better for the first five minutes, but after, the coldness was stronger than their bodies.

“You know... Who's at fault... That never solves anything... However, taking responsibility of your mistakes... That can make a difference” Yibo rant with tired voice in his arms, still showing him that if Xiao Zhan focused on who was the guilty one, he wouldn't make a progress in the problem itself, but if he acted to fix it... “That’s why if I die...”

“Don't say that, you won't die, stupid” Xiao Zhan scolded him for being so dramatic and rubbed his back to give him more warmth. However, even he was realizing the level of freezing they were reaching was too dangerous for their bodies.

“Take responsibility if I die” he chuckled vaguely, as if he wasn't feeling good anymore and Xiao Zhan punched him under the coat.

“Stop saying that bullshit!” the anxiety of not being found on time was making his body be filled with fear. They could have severe consequences if they kept under the blizzard, however, it seemed they wouldn't be discovered any time soon and the older man just tried to share the maximum amount of heat possible, but he was in the edge too.

“Xiao Zhan... If we don't make it, I want you to know something...” suddenly, Yibo spoke so serious he was unable to reject the option of them losing their lives in the middle of a frozen forest. “Since the first day I met you, I knew I wanted to spend my life by your side...” he chuckled lowly, powerlessly already. However, Xiao Zhan still had the strength to be at the verge of crying after hearing such words. “No matter what has happened these last two years between us... I always knew you're meant to be for me...” he confessed while hugging him tighter, still his head on the shoulder of a speechless man. “If we don't make it, I want you to know that we would have been perfect for each other... Because I do love you, Xiao Zhan... I love you...” right after those words, the embrace Yibo had around Xiao Zhan disappeared. That tight grip around him became just two dead arms. And at that moment, that man panicked, grabbing his head to look at his face.

“Yibo, don't play with this!” he begged with drowning voice, yet his friend had his eyes closed. “Yibo! Wake up! Don't fall asleep, please!” he yelled at him to make him react, to make him open his eyes again and see he was still with him. Xiao Zhan begged him, hit his cheek softly, shook his body to make him come back from the sleep of coldness. But nothing worked. “Yibo, don't do this to me! Please, wake up, I beg you! Wake up...” he hugged that still body that felt even colder now while sobbing so hard against his face. He couldn't lose him now. He couldn't allow him to die like that, without hearing his answer, without talking with him, without living the life they always joked about. Yibo couldn't die yet. “Yibo... I love you too... Please... I need you...” he muttered while caressing his face before kissing his frozen lips, hoping to watch how he would open his eyes again. However, that never happened.

Then, Xiao Zhan could only do one thing. He shouted. He shouted until his lungs had no more oxygen, his throat broke into harsh pain and his crying made him sob unconsolably. Now he was sure about one thing, the biggest threat he had to fear had always been something that couldn't be undone. And death was one of them. However, Xiao Zhan refused to think he had lost him, he refused to think he was going to let him die like that. That was why he remembered his words. He must need to take responsibility. So he made him wear the coat again and placed each arm over his shoulders to be able to catch him over his back. At first, the gravity barely made him fall because his body was incapable of bearing that cold anymore. But he was never going to admit that he would lose Yibo in his arms. Hence, he started to walk, the adrenaline eliminating the pain he was feeling as his throat was being ripped out.

“HELP! WE'RE HERE!” he yelled constantly while walking with Yibo over his back. “WE’RE HERE! HELP! HELP!” the snow got into his nose and mouth, drowning him every time he shouted, but he never gave up on being heard by his friends. His screams continued as loud as the first one and he continued walking towards the direction his intuition was telling him to go. His choices would decide if they lived or died, so he prayed he was choosing the right path. He prayed he was taking responsibility properly and would be able to save Yibo on time. He had been asleep for long already, but that wasn't enough reason for Xiao Zhan to stop a single second to recover his breathe. His legs continued walking, stepping on so much snow his whole feet got buried every time he moved forwards.

“Hold on a little longer... We're arriving...” he spoke, encouraging himself too even if he heard no one around, even he saw nothing but snow and trees. He didn't want to panic yet, he didn’t want to realize the possibilities of being found alive were very poor. He rejected the idea of giving up. He was tired of giving up, of hiding, of not acting when he was needed. He was better than all of that, he was better than all he had done those months, he was better than Fengli. He could do that because he needed to show Yibo he could trust him. That this time he was really going to listen to him and count on him. He had finally learned that indeed, Yibo was his whole world and without him, his life was empty, sad, monotonous. He wanted to laugh with him again, he wanted to spend the evenings together without doing anything, to go anywhere alone and have fun forgetting everything else. He wanted to love him without boundaries, as he had never done before. To kiss him endlessly, to hug him if he felt down, to wipe away his tears if he was sad, to accompany him if he was scared. There was still so many things they needed to do together. Death wouldn't interfere in their desire to spend a whole life together. Not yet. Not now.

Xiao Zhan tried to think of a lot of good moments together to make him walk further, without realizing the horrible pain his body was suffering. He remembered a lot of memories they shared like when they went to an amusement park and Yibo ended up throwing up because he wanted to look manly, or when they had to escape from the police because they were so drunk and mistook a private property with a park. Or when they played video games and Yibo got all fussy because he lost. Xiao Zhan remembered all the things he wanted to repeat once they would be back to the city and he would end that story of threats and harrassment. He was planning a whole new life beside Yibo, but first he needed to arrive, he needed to save him. That was why, with the small amount of energy left inside of him, he started to shout for help again. As loud as he could, as longer as his throat was able.

And finally, as if he was watching an angel in front of him, someome with a big torch appeared behind the layer of snow. “Xiao Zhan! Yibo!” he heard their names being said and it was his last attempt.

“Here! We're here!” he shouted, trying to walk faster towards that person. Then, he could spot two more behind moving exactly to where they were. Suddenly, he also heard the noise of a snowmobile and when he looked at his side, he found two reaching them in a second. However, they weren't his friends.

“Don’t worry, we're from the ski resort, we will take you back” one of the men explained to Xiao Zhan while the other was grabbing Yibo to place him on the snowmobile. Meanwhile, he was given a coat to keep warm until arriving.

“He has fainted long time ago, please save him” he cried by the happiness of having made it as the man helped him to approach the vehicle.

“We will. Please, take two ambulances to the resort right now, we're arriving in five minutes” that man talked through the walkie he was wearing.

“Condition?” someone answered at the other side.

“One of them is unconscious, we don't know if he's alive. The other looks confused and with important signals of hypothermia” he replied as fast as possible while he was helping his mate to place Yibo behind him on the snowmobile, securing him with a belt.

“Ambulances are on their way” the other party said and at that moment, Xiao Zhan knew his work had ended there. He couldn't do more to save Yibo. All was now in hands of the luck. So as his body understood they were done, all his strength finally disappeared, noticing how he was falling as if he was in slow motion on the snow. Everything was dark after. He couldn’t feel or hear or see anything. He was dragged by the tiredness and cold.

“He fainted! I repeat, the second man has just fainted! We need urgent help!”

“Bring them back quickly!”


	10. Honesty

Everything was dark. Cold. Confussing. Tiredness made his muscles hurt until endless limits. Yet chaos around him was overwhelming. He could feel it. He could know something was going on around him. However, he didn’t know who was, where he was, when or how that happened. His body just felt so tired and he just wanted to sleep, though. That was all he knew. But suddenly, someone's voice appeared. He liked it. It was soft, warm. He really liked that voice. Yet he was unable to tell who was. Only what was spoken could be remembered by him. Over and over.

“ _Yibo... I love you too... Please... I need you..._ ”

*****

Voices were mumbling around him. He couldn’t understand anything, they were totally unclear and confussing. He wanted to wake up already. However, that heaviness in his body got harder. All of sudden, being in that darkness, filled with anguish, started to be so bitter, so draining. He wanted to get out of there, he wanted to awake and breathe again. To open his eyes and be in home, with his family, his friends... With Xiao Zhan... He wanted to be with Xiao Zhan. His only desire was to be with him his whole life. He wanted to wake up because of him. Only him. So he wished to regain consciousness soon, for being with him. He couldn’t wait any single second more. He still had so many things to tell him. He needed to live for being beside him. He needed him too.

Amidst the confusion, voices started to be clearer, his body wasn't feeling that extreme heaviness anymore. Slowly, he could move his hands, even if that hurt, and his eyelids began to be opened. At first, his eyes couldn't focus at all, he just saw a white room and people surrounding him. He looked at each of them, but stared at a person at his right, who was grabbing his hand tightly. That warmth... It was him. He was back with him again. And that couldn’t make him happier. All he had thought about was him, probably what made him wake up that quickly was his yearn to be with him. And now his eyes were focusing the image in front of him better, Yibo could remember how handsome Xiao Zhan was. Fact he had doubted to live again.

“Call a doctor!” one of them said and other went out of the room. Yet Yibo was only observing that man, who had tears rolling down his cheeks as a kid.

“I didn’t die...” his husky voice just said that while chuckling difficultly. And because of that, Xiao Zhan frowned his chin before raising his hand. Yibo just closed his eyes as long as he knew that meant a punch. Yet as nothing came, he glanced at him.

“Is that all you have to say?!” his voice went louder than he wanted, but in the end it was caused by all the deep emotions he was feeling at that moment, so Yibo smiled even wilder.

“No, I have so many things to tell you” his low voice shocked Xiao Zhan so much that he couldn’t retort back anything. Their eyes just kept looking at each other, as if time had stopped and no world around them existed. There were more people in that room, who kept in a second place not to disturb that intimate moment they were having. However, before anyone of them could react, the doctor came in the room followed by Cao Wen.

“Finally you're awake” the doctor approached with a smile. She was a tall, beautiful woman, around her fourties, who wore slight make-up and formal clothes under her white coat. “Can you sit down?” she asked before checking him and with Xiao Zhan's help, he sat down on the bed. Right after, she proceeded to examine his eyes with a torch, his heartbeat and oxygenation, also the colour of his limbs. She, also, asked him some questions as what his name was or what today's date was to confirm he hadn't suffered any type of brain damage visible only after waking up. The doctor was very quick with her examination and they ended pretty fast. “Your body is strong, boy” she smiled warmly. “You're perfect despite of having been barely dead by hypothermia” she spoke surprised and Yibo frowned. He didn’t remember anything of that.

“Didn’t you find us quickly?” he asked confused. Xiao Zhan looked in good health so they were found quickly. Right?

“Actually no. The rescue team took around an hour to find you. By then, your friend told us you had been fainted for half an hour. If we had found you just fifteen minutes after, you would have died. Luckily, your friend carried you back enough to find you sooner” she explained as if that information was just shocking because of the fact of having been at the edge of dying. However, for Yibo, that was shocking because Xiao Zhan had saved his life. So his eyes stared at that man, who was looking aside, embarrassed by hearing that. And Yibo understood their chat should wait a bit longer.

“And doctor, when will I be discharged?” the younger man decided to change subject by asking that.

“As you haven't suffered any consequence, you can leave today perfectly. Go to administration to fill the documents and it'll be done” she spoke with a warm smile and Yibo bowed his head politely towards her.

“Thank you so much” also, all his friends bowed to her and muttered thankful words as she went out of the room, closing the door at her leave. Then, right after, Yibo looked around him, finding very long faces. “You all look as if I had died for real” he tried a joke, but no one laughed or even grinned. Instead, Lulu, who had been silent until then, shouted at him.

“Do you think it's time to joke?! You could have...” her voice was broken by the fear of the possibility of having lost him and Yibo understood the situation had been more critical than he thought in first moment. That was why he opened his arms and invited her to hug him. Without thinking, Lulu sat on the bed right before hiding her face on his neck while sobbing hard. His arms surrounded her tightly, rubbing her hair and back softly. Yibo was hating seeing her like that.

“I'm sorry...” he muttered beside her, really feeling sorry for having scared her like that. Indeed, if he empathized with her, he would go crazy if something bad happened to Lulu. Hence, he stayed hugging her all she needed.

“Don't do this ever again! Don't be a hero! Don't risk your own life as if you're not important!” she continued yelling at him, showing how angry she was with Xiao Zhan for having dragged him into that trap of the nature just because he had acted recklessly. It was obvious the bad ambient in that room. Probably, everyone was angry with everyone.

“My life is important, that's why I was saved” he answered to her a bit rudely, because in the end, no matter if Xiao Zhan was the one at blame, he had also saved him it seemed. So she was being unfair in some way.

“Continue chasing him, but I won't be the one crying for you again” her words were spat like a knife provoked by the sorrow in her, still very recent. Yet it was enough to hurt him. And more when she stood up and surrounded the room to leave.

“Lulu, please!” he called for her, but she went away without looking away. Yibo could only click his tongue and sigh deeply while closing his eyes for a second, she was so stubborn when being angry so he would need to wait for a while before talking about everything and solving the situation. Meanwhile, he glanced at the room and found Cao Wen and Zhong Wei in front of the bed, looking at him with a mix of happiness, relief and sadness with regret. Indeed, things weren't going too well.

“I'll talk with you two and you'll explain me tons of things” Yibo warned them with a smile and Zhong smiled at him back, approaching the bed and lowering his torso to hug him as greeting.

“I'm glad you're okay, dude” he spoke with soft voice, being serious and careful. Not that funny and careless guy he was used to be. That made Yibo frown and he raised his eyebrows to Zhong when they broke the hug as asking what was wrong, but his friend just shook his head as saying not now. He accepted that because Cao Wen approached after to hug him too.

“Don't scare us like that again” he said lowly, looking really out of place there. And Yibo knew why when he saw how Cao Wen glanced at Xiao Zhan and looked away. They hadn't solved the argument they had in the room. They hadn't talked yet, as anyone in that group it seemed, and that pissed him off too much. However, those two men surrounded the bed and went to leave them alone, as if they knew Yibo and Xiao Zhan needed to talk in privately. Yet, not giving them enough time, Yibo spoke to his best friend, who was there on his feet beside him, but without even glancing at him.

“And you? Aren't you gonna hug me too?” his voice highlighted the fact he was in a good mood, wanting to play with him and fight. But all he got from Xiao Zhan was a painful gaze.

“I don't know what I should do” his words were shaking, he didn’t know if because he was releasing all the tension of the moment or because his anxiety was overcoming him again after having heard Lulu's words.

“Just do what you've been yearning to while I've been sleeping” Yibo solved his doubts in a second and, although Xiao Zhan hesitated for a few seconds, his hands became two fists before approaching to kneel on the bed and kiss him. Yibo blinked twice as his lips were feeling that warmth, that taste he thought he would never feel again. His eyes became all teary as long as he had barely forgotten how soft they were. How sweet Xiao Zhan was while kissing. How he needed those lips everyday. That was why he closed his eyes and titled his head a bit to welcome him, starting to move rhythmically as his arms surrounded Xiao Zhan's waist gently. He couldn’t say no to that. He couldn’t push him away and forbid Xiao Zhan from doing that again. He couldn’t mainly because he didn’t find any single reason that told him that shouldn’t happen. Hence, he sucked his lower lip tenderly, enjoying that as if it was the very first time between them. Feeling that soft hand over his jaw, caressing his cheek with his thumb slowly. They had shared many kisses, but none tasted the same as that one. Maybe, because it was the first time Yibo felt Xiao Zhan without those chains that blocked his real feelings.

That was why when they broke that kiss with a wet sound, Xiao Zhan remained rubbing their noses lovely. “All I yearned was this” he retorted with low voice. “I felt I died with you in the middle of the forest...” a tear fell through his cheek while remembering that, while confessing his pain. “I know we still need to talk a lot, but...”

“We will have a very long conversation, but not now, not here. Just let me...” right after saying that, Yibo kissed him again slowly, tasting those lips as never before. Xiao Zhan only returned it needfully, as if being in the edge of losing him had made him open his eyes. And probably, that was the only reason Yibo needed to make as nothing had occurred. Mainly, because when he felt how his life was like a flame of a candle that was being consumed, he noticed all his anger and frustration towards Xiao Zhan was useless and he regretted not having kissed and hugged him for last time before dying. All he worried about in the last second was all the stuff he didn’t do or say with Xiao Zhan because he was angry or confused or scared. And exactly after that, he had woken up and the first thing he thought about was life giving him a second chance to do the things correctly with Xiao Zhan. To kiss him when he wanted, to hug him when he needed, to help him even if he wasn’t allowed. Nothing was going to stop him because he had already lost so much time. And he had taken for granted all the time of the world to wait. When in truth, time could end at the very next second.

Then, suddenly, Xiao Zhan stopped that kiss and sobbed after taking cover on his shoulder. Yibo only hugged him tightly, supporting him whatever crazy idea was tormenting him at that moment. “I’m so sorry...” he apologized as one of his hands over his chest grabbed his clothes strongly. “I've almost killed you because-“

“Hey! No one has tried to kill anyone, do you hear me?” Yibo stopped that stupid thought as soon as he heard it while his hands grabbed his both shoulders to raise him and look into his eyes. “I chased you because I wanted. It was just bad luck” he explained to him while removing those rebel tears that didn’t stop from falling.

“Everyone’s blaming me, though” he looked aside, not knowing what to do while saying that. “When I woke up, I was alone, Yibo... No one was with me... No one...” he sobbed really hard, but the younger man didn’t understand anything.

“What do you mean when you woke up?” he asked as frowning and seeing how his friend bit his lower lip.

“When the rescue team arrived, I fainted too” he explained, leaving Yibo speechless. “So when I woke up here... No one was in my room. So I went to see you and everyone was here...” Xiao Zhan's voice broke by the pain that situation provoked in him. Indeed, just by knowing he had woken up alone, Yibo felt a harsh pain in his stomach.

“Believe me when I say I would have been there with you” then, his hand raised his wet chin by the tears piling up there. “I’d have been grabbing your hand the whole time as I know you've done with me” Yibo spoke while looking straight at those dark pupils that were returning that gaze filled with surprise.

“How do you...?”

“I only remember two things since I fainted. A warm hand grabbing mine and a soft voice saying _I love you_ ” he remembered, not being sure if that had just been provoked by his mind in a state of unconsciousness or indeed that happened. However, because he saw Xiao Zhan's flushed face, he understood that hadn't been a dream. That had really happened at some point of his sleep.

“The hand was probably Qian Lu and that phrase... I don't know...” aside of him saying her full name instead of Lulu, Yibo noticed his ears being all reddish.

“Why don't you say it again? Now I'm awake” he challenged him, knowing he had said it for real. However, Xiao Zhan tried to even stand up from the bed. Unluckily, Yibo was faster to grab his wrist.

“We both said things at that moment because of the situation so let it be...” his older friend tried to avoid that, removing importance to what they said at that moment. That was why Yibo removed the sheets and stood up under his gaze. “You shouldn't-“

“I could repeat it now over and over again because that's how I feel” his hands grabbed his waist to make him be closer and get him nervous. Only like that he would be able to get that sentence again.

“Yibo... Anyone could come in...” Xiao Zhan tried to set him aside, but ended up not opposing resistence, leaving free way for Yibo to do whatever he wanted.

“Say it again, please...” he muttered against his neck before pecking it softly. “I want to hear it...” he kissed it again feeling how that man thightened his grips around his shoulders by the sensations he was provoking in him with just two kisses.

“Yibo, look at me” yet Xiao Zhan requested for his attention and Yibo looked up diligently. “I said that, okay? But I'm not ready to repeat it, not yet” he explained while his hand caressed his face gently. “But I'll try my best to make you hear it every morning one day” that promise stopped Yibo's heart for a second. No matter if he wasn't able to say that again, that promise had meant more than if he had actually said it in the end. Because after all, saying it just to satisfy him was easier than saying it because he desired to. Yet Xiao Zhan was aiming to feel it so much to repeat it everyday. And that just proved to Yibo he had decided to trust him finally and let him support him in al this trouble from now on.

“I'll be waiting for that day to arrive, then” he grinned, happy and satisfied with the progress they had made in that trip. Because now, it was Xiao Zhan who approached his lips to taste them unashamedly. It was Xiao Zhan who made that kiss longer because no one wanted to break it. It was Xiao Zhan who guided Yibo instead of upside down. Finally, Yibo was able to see his real desires. Now, Xiao Zhan's words and actions were the same instead of contradictory. And that was because he had decided to fight.

However, suddenly the door of the room was opened and a woman came in, finding them kissing privately. Even if they hadn't spoken about their actual status, none of them separated too much, just breaking the kiss to check who was. Then, they found Lulu on the threshold, looking at both of them with a deep frown. “So this is what you choose in the end” she spoke with low voice as if she was talking for herself. Yibo, instead, tried to approach to her, but her words stopped him. “Don’t come to me crying as always when he will throw you away again” and before anyone of them could reply back, she closed the door hard, provoking a loud noise that left them frozen even more. Her mean words were true, though. He had always come to her when Xiao Zhan went away. However, when Yibo turned around and looked at him, he knew that wouldn’t happen again. This time they were really trusting each other.

“Do you want me to talk with her?” then, Xiao Zhan asked aloud, offering himself to fix that constant rejection by Lulu. Yet Yibo knew it was better if he didn’t approach her for a while. She could be so sweet, but her strong personality made her be so stubborn and tough person. She needed to cool down and rethink everything by herself. Yibo knew that better than anyone else. That was why he returned to Xiao Zhan and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll make all of us talk” he decided, kind of fed up of five jerks who couldn't sit around a table to talk properly and speak aloud what was in their minds once and for all.

“What do you mean?” Xiao Zhan asked with a frown.

“Just help me to dress and take me where they are to return home. The rest is my work” he kept the explanation to him, waiting for the right moment to speak. He wouldn’t do another mistake. He wouldn’t decide randomly, without rethinking the step he was going to take. He had finally learned.

“Yibo” suddenly, Xiao Zhan called him with that face that told him he was worried about the idea he had in mind. The younger man just grinned, though.

“Do you trust me?” without being afraid of the answer he would receive, he was brave to ask that. And Xiao Zhan smiled gently.

“I do” his voice didn’t hesitate even a single bit and that was a clear proof of his change of behaviour since the arguments and their experience near the death. Now, everything looked different. What was important before, now it didn’t look that troublesome. However, what looked as not important, now it was what was moving their hearts, making them throb warmly into their chests. Small reasons that they had never noticed until they understood how much those meant.

That was why, while dressing up, he talked a bit more with Xiao Zhan about what happened while he was sleeping. It seemed that when the rescue team found them, they brought them to the administration office and then, the ambulances took them to the nearest hospital. Xiao Zhan just suffered extreme tiredness and hypothermia, so resting for the night was enough. However, Yibo‘s body had reached that degree of low temperature for a second the doctors thought they would lose him. Thankfully, the cold made his body work slower and as he was a healthy young man, it reacted to the heat on time to recover. Yet the doctors decided to sedate him to assure a proper recovery before he would wake up. A whole day had gone by since then, yet it looked so far away already. That was why when Xiao Zhan and he left the room, Yibo couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn't chased him. If they wouldn’t have argued. If Xiao Zhan hadn't found his friends having sex. Would now they be walking together? Would they be decided to fight together?

That was what he would know back in that house. Hence, they went to find Zhong Wei, Cao Wen and Lulu in the hall of the hospital, waiting for them to arrive and go. Once in the car, Xiao Zhan sat on the copilot and Zhong remained this time between Yibo and Lulu. No one spoke, no one even tried to make a sound. The tension could be cut in the ambient by how heavy it was. It looked as if all the progress they had done in the last week had been in vain after all the confessions and words they spat to each other. No one was safe there, no one was extent of guilt. Everyone had participated in that. So everyone must be willing to fix that as group. And that was what Yibo was going to try once back home.

When the car was stopped and the five of them entered the house again, before they would continue their lives avoiding the others, Yibo clapped his hands to get their attention. “Everyone to the living room” he ordered, not admitting a rejection or a excuse. Xiao Zhan, Zhong Wei and Cao Wen hesitated, but went to that room as he had said. However, Lulu continued going upstairs, without even looking back. “Lulu, stop being a kid and come here” he spat to her rudely, knowing just treating her as her current mood was the only way to get her attention.

“Who’s a kid?!” she turned around bothered, but Yibo was already walking into the living room, and as he predicted, she chased him to gain an explanation. Unluckily, when she arrived, everyone was already sitting on the sofas, Xiao Zhan and Yibo on one and Cao Wen and Zhong Wei on another. Then, Yibo pointed to sit with his eyes and, even if Lulu hesitated, she just walked towards the big window and remained there. Not sitting, but neither going away. And that was the first win for Yibo.

“Okay, this is easy. No one is gonna go away from here until speaking aloud everything” he explained, gaining surprised gazes. And also complains.

“Why should we-?”

“Cao Wen, everything started because we're unable to speak between us. So let's solve that. If we really treasure this friendship, let's talk once and for all” Yibo cut him off to give them just one reason to follow his idea, but so important to be enough. Hence, when he saw everyone staying in silence, he decided to start. “I’ve been in love with Xiao Zhan for two years” suddenly, he confessed and attracted wide eyes from everyone. “I’ve never seen him as a friend, I couldn’t. But I wasn't able to confess to him either until yesterday, before I fainted, I did” his voice was strong, not shy or ashamed at all, being an example to follow in that room. Then, he looked around, finding the back of Lulu, two guys astonished and Xiao Zhan wanting to hide under a rock.

“And how did you...?” Zhong asked, getting into that more than anyone else.

“I don't really remember the exact words, but it was something like...”

“ _Since the first day I met you, I knew I wanted to spend my life by your side. No matter what has happened these last two years between us, I always knew you're meant to be for me. If we don't make it, I want you to know that we would have been perfect for each other, because I do love you, Xiao Zhan_...” abruptly, Xiao Zhan recited his confession without a single wrong or different word. Right after, he gulped and looked away really ashamed for having Yibo totally startled beside him. “I couldn’t stop remembering what you said in the whole path...” he excused himself, but nothing was worth it anymore because that had been like the fuel needed for Yibo to grin and understand he had accepted that confession.

“Wow, dude. You're chessy as fuck” Zhong laughed to break the ice a bit, otherwise everyone else in that room was feeling as intruders watching a private moment.

“Oh, okay, then tell me how you confessed to Cao Wen” Yibo challenged him to also know about their hidden relationship and immediately, Cao Wen panicked.

“Do not dare to say it!” he warned his partner, but Zhong was too extrovert sometimes.

“Actually, it was him” he chuckled, checking how his boyfriend's expression was filled with hate towards him. “I remember he kissed me and said _I like you_ , Zhong and then I said _me too_ and we ended up...” he didn’t finished the sentence, just modulating his voice every time he spoke the dialogue to make it look funnier. However, Yibo raised his eyebrows to know the end of the sentence. “We fucked. Seriously, have a bit more of imagination” Zhong complained in a good mood, even though Cao Wen was in the verge of killing him in that exact moment.

“And who's top and who's bottom?” Yibo grinned while asking, just to disturb that panicking man a bit more.

“No! That's too much!” he shouted with his ears totally reddish and starting to be angry. But what Yibo didn’t expect was that he would know the answer.

“Cao Wen is the bottom” Xiao Zhan clarified because he found them so he knew. Zhong just chuckled loudly, but Cao Wen stared at Xiao Zhan. In a normal situation, they would fight, yet this time his friend just lowered his gaze as he had done since he knew the truth about Xiao Zhan.

“And you?” Zhong was fast enough to deviate the subject quickly and Yibo bit his lower lip while glancing at Xiao Zhan who was covering his mouth ashamed. “Oh, then, you have fucked too!” he laughed so loud, not mattering the shame in them. Cao Wen joined too impressed and decided to leave his bad mood aside.

“Say it too, be fair now!” he challenged them, being tricky with his words and that interested Yibo because in the end, his plan was working nicely.

“We only did it once and I was the bottom” Yibo admitted without a single glimpse of embarrassment in his face, being all cheeky for that and even showing proud face. Meanwhile, Xiao Zhan was just covering his face since that chat about them had started. Also, Cao Wen and Zhong Wei showed surprised expressions by his answer. “What? I'm sure he has never been bottom before so it was faster if it was me” he laughed, explaining that as if he was talking about the weather, and only Zhong could follow such degree of shamelessness while chuckling non-stop.

“I tried it once, but he didn’t let me” he confessed, red by laughing, and more when Yibo's face got tensed.

“Zhong Wei!” suddenly, Xiao Zhan shouted and that produced more loud chuckles.

“Let me explain it before he kills me” he breathed a bit. “Zhanzhan and I always took a shower at the same time after training. So once, I joked by going behind and doing as fucking him. However, he got all scared and said _I'm not like that!_ , so I answered _no, me neither_ , but now if we think about it...” he laughed as hard as possible because both now were involved in homosexual relationships. Indeed, after understanding the story, Xiao Zhan chuckled lowly too. Still Yibo and Cao Wen didn’t find it funny.

“But not even the tip got in, right?” the younger man dared to ask to Xiao Zhan who punched his arm so hard he grabbed it with his hand.

“He would have done that and now he hasn't got a dick anymore” he spat angrily, but quite amused towards Yibo as in the background, Zhong continued laughing hard and Cao Wen just covered his face while sighing.

“Okay, okay... Let's move forwards, I don't want to get punched again” he complained falsely as a excuse to continue talking between them more and more. Slowly, a silence arrived and the laughter stopped. No one really knew what to say anymore because that might mean to bring up some subject it was better not to touch. However, Yibo needed them not to have taboos.

“I...” suddenly, Zhong did the step. “I want to apologize to you, Xiao Zhan” he looked at the said man and the latter widened his eyes, not really knowing why. “I was so angry with you because of how you talked to Cao Wen. That was why when you got lost and were taken to the hospital, even if I wanted to be also waiting in your room, I didn’t feel that right as I was still angry. However, now I see waking up alone must have been hard for you, so I want to apologize for that. I'm sorry” he explained so serious, as if he hadn't just laughed as crazy ten seconds before. Still, he managed his words so well Xiao Zhan looked aside because he was speechless. That was why, because Yibo had seen how he cried because of that, his hand rubbed his back to comfort him.

“I-I really appreciate that, Zhong” he smiled at his friend while accepting that apology. Slowly, things were getting fixed and Yibo looked at Cao Wen, who was glancing at him too, but seeming really troubled to speak. Then, Zhong hit his back hastily to push him forwards.

“Spit it out, I'm tired of hearing your regrets” he encouraged him in a weird, rude way, but so alike to his personality, so Cao Wen just gazed at him, finding for reassurance. After, his eyes went to Xiao Zhan, who was looking at him back.

“All I said yesterday...” he looked down right after starting. “I said horrible things...” he covered his face with a hand before his voice broke. Xiao Zhan raised slightly his hand, being all shocked, but Yibo stopped him, letting Cao Wen release all out of him. “I was so frustrated... So angry and disappointed... Indeed, I knew nothing, yet I dared to speak” he shook his head. “For months, I tried to understand you, but I didn’t even get close to the real reason. In the end, the idea of you not counting on me was more painful than the fact you could be suffering alone. I'm so sorry, Xiao Zhan. I wasn't a good friend...” he brushed his hair right after saying that, expressing all the regrets Cao Wen had been bearing since he knew the truth. He was blaming himself for many decisions he took and things he said, so Yibo understood that even if he wasn't at blame completely, it was so hard not to regret it. It was so hard not to wonder why they didn’t do everything differently.

“Cao Wen...” Xiao Zhan, suddenly, called him while standing up and right after, he walked until being in front of him. His friend raised his face, all wet by crying, and Xiao Zhan's hand brushed his hair softly, evoking a feeling of older brother. “I’m really sorry for having made you feel that way. I'm so sorry for not having there for you. I'm sorry for not having been a good friend either” he apologized for all of that without removing his eyes from Cao Wen's and immediately, the latter stood up to hug him as tight and needful as possible. Xiao Zhan blinked many times not to cry and just embraced him, feeling how both were accepting their fault in that matter and starting again. Hence, when they separated, Cao Wen grabbed his shoulders while staring into his pupils.

“Now, I think it's time for you to explain us” he proposed to Xiao Zhan, who panicked in a second and looked down, still looking affected if he had to talk about that subject. “I know it's not easy for you, but it's pretty serious, so let us help” his friend tried to convince with soft voice and closeness. Yet Xiao Zhan just remained with his gaze down.

“What are you talking about?” Zhong asked confused and worried. But Yibo told him to wait with a hand gesture.

“Xiao Zhan, look at me” then, Yibo stood up and his friend turned around. “He can scare you, but he can't scare us. If you tell us, you're going to be safe, I promise” he spoke gently, showing him Fengli wasn't that strong. That he wasn't that dangerous. That he was just taking advantage of the fear he had created into Xiao Zhan to use him, but after all, nothing he said was real. That was why Yibo showed a hand and hesitantly, he grabbed it, accepting to finally speak. Then, everyone sat again and Xiao Zhan played with his hands nervously. However, Yibo held one of his to calm him. Their eyes met shyly, just talking without words, having that tacit understanding they were used to utilize, and Yibo nodded to tell him to go on.

“When I started my master degree, I was accepted to do my practices with Wang Fengli, one of the best art designers in China” he started with shaken voice. “He told me I'd have three rules. Not to be late, not to oppose to his words and not to maintain sexual or romantic relationship with any student in the college” he gulped because he saw how everyone there frowned. “I’d be like a teacher, so that type of relationships were forbidden, that's what he told me. I didn’t care too much and went along with it because otherwise, he would kick me out of the program. After, I met Yibo” he lowered his gaze, being ashamed by what he was going to say aloud. “I started to like him right after a few meetings so I thought I could hide my private life from Fengli. However, because Yibo and I wore the keychains and people spread some rumours, he began to suspect and ask me so that's why I had to remove and hide it” he bit his lower lip, glancing at how Yibo covered his eyes with a hand. Now, everything was getting sense at that moment. “He began to remind me the consequences, not only I, but also the person who would be involved too, would face if I broke the rules. I realized how serious he was, that was why I kept as just friends with Yibo” he explained slowly, taking some breaths in the middle to calm down.

“So... Would you have gone out with Yibo since the beginning if he hadn't forbidden you?” Zhong asked him, disbelief filling his eyes as his expression was totally confused and overwhelmed.

“Yes, I would. However, I decided that my future was more important so I remained with Fengli, knowing that in three years that would end. Thinking that Yibo was just another wimp of mine...” he confessed, removing his hand from Yibo's, who looked speechless. “But I was so wrong. Everyday we spent together, I liked him a bit more” Xiao Zhan showed a bittersweet grin with red eyes. “When I realized it, controlling what I felt for him was a nightmare and that was exactly when Yibo too started to chase me harder, being so bold”

“I thought you were just confused or scared of liking a man. I never imagined that-“

“I know” Xiao Zhan reassured him right after, caressing his cheek. They both knew each other's situation, but no one could stop feeling guilty for having made one another feel like that. “Don’t blame yourself for all of that. Even if holding back was horrible, the fact that you waited for me for two years is...” he got speechless by the amazing happiness he felt inside his chest. “That’s why I fell. That's why I kissed you. That's why I let you kiss me all those times. That's why we made love. I couldn’t hold back anymore” he explained to Yibo only, forgetting three more people were in that room, hearing him, hearing those words, hearing how deep their love was.

“Then, why did you suddenly stop?” he asked, being totally unaware of the consequences for his recklessness. And that was why Xiao Zhan removed his hand and closed his eyes tightly to breathe.

“I don't know how, but he found us... Then, his comments, his behaviour started to be... Disgusting” when he opened his eyes again, he just found three horrified gazes looking at him. “He got my number and started to send me messages and call me to threaten me that if I continued being close to Yibo, he would destroy him too. He...” his voice broke at that moment by the fear of saying all of that, by the pain of admitting how much he had suffered alone. “He began to touch me when we were alone in the department... I never let him go further, but that didn’t stop him from repeating it the next day-“ suddenly, Yibo hit the couch so hard with his fist that the noise scared everyone there. Right after, he stood up and walked around the living room, breathing deep by the rage he was filling inside. Xiao Zhan just kept looking at him with widened eyes, remaining in silence because he was worried about his reaction.

“Xiao Zhan, continue, please...” Cao Wen told him lowly, looking away while clenching his teeth.

“I think he's tracking the GPS of my phone, so I bought a new one and I left the old one in the train station where we stopped when we came here. He even sent me a photo of Yibo and Qian Lu kissing to make me believe they were going out” he told aloud, attracting even the attention of Lulu, who had been staring at the forest the whole time in silence. “He’s sick... Obsessed with me...” his voice sounded anguished by the anxiety of being chased day and night. However, when he stopped talking, when he finished his story, no one else said even a word. Everyone there was confused, speechless, overwhelmed by the story. No one was really believing that traumatic experience was happening to one of them. So spontaneous reactions were normal.

“I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!” Zhong stood up while shouting, rage emanating from him as if it was even visible. “How dare he?! I swear I'll kill him right after seeing him again!” he started to walk to the exit, willing to just return to the city to indeed murder him, but Yibo, who had stayed there, stopped him from going away.

“Zhong, calm down, I beg you” Yibo spoke with his chin trembling from the anger and frustration. So because Zhong understood everyone was feeling the same, he just turned around, not really knowing what to do to make that rage disappear.

“FUCK!” he shouted as loud as possible not to break anything that was close to him and leaned on the wall to breathe.

“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell anyone before...” Cao Wen was the one who looked the calmest, but if he stared into his eyes, he was in the same condition as the rest in that room.

“He threatened me that he would hurt whom I would tell” Xiao Zhan clarified, barely crying after knowing their reactions. But that wasn't enough for his friend.

“That was just to scare you. Go to the rector, even to the police! You have all the messages and calls, right? You have proof against him” Cao Wen explained him, being all clear about his solution. But it wasn't that easy for Xiao Zhan.

“The rector can cover it because it would ruin the reputation of the college and Fengli could buy the police perfectly. I'm...” he didn’t even know what to say anymore. He still felt in that corner, alone and powerless. No solution seemed helpful. And reaching this point, Xiao Zhan was already feeling desperation. Pure desperation to make that nightmare stop as soon as possible or he would become crazy. His limit was so close.

“Xiao Zhan, this is not a movie. I don't think he has got so much power even to win against the law” Cao Wen reasoned after hearing his doubts, his worst possibilities that provoked an extreme fear inside of him everyday.

“Exactly, you must recover more proofs and go to the police” Zhong approached, agreeing with his partner and having a better perspective of that trouble and its solution than Xiao Zhan himself. At first, he really doubted they could be right, but in the end, he knew if he made those proofs public, even if he could buy the police to make it all disappear, many journalists would be so interested in releasing such a scandal. That was his last choice. Would he accept it?

“For now, let's rest” suddenly, Yibo spoke after not having said a word about that. Besides, he approached Xiao Zhan and offered his hand. The older man grabbed it hesitantly, wondering where he wanted to go. However, when he stood up, Yibo turned his head towards the only person who had remained in silence the whole meeting. “And you, Lulu? Don't you have anything to say?” he asked her, knowing she wouldn’t even try to speak a word otherwise.

“Xiao Zhan and I have a pending conversation” she admitted, knowing for today, it'd been already too much. Yibo nodded and started to walk towards the exit, his hand pulling from Xiao Zhan's. However, the latter released it so he would be able to walk where Lulu was looking at the forest. When he reached her, she moved her face aside a bit, yet Xiao Zhan was able to see the reflection of the light over her cheek, highlighting the fact she had been crying.

“Lulu, I really hope you'll be able to forgive me one day” he apologized to her with soft voice, really missing a good friendship between them. Because of his actions, she had always been bothered by the damage he was causing to Yibo daily, still Xiao Zhan understood it and never tried to fix it. Now, he knew if they didn’t make a step, their differences would become unfixable and he was sure about not wanting to lose her too. That was why, when he noticed she wouldn't answer back, his arms surrounded her shoulders tightly, not wanting to see any single tear fall anymore. Surprisingly, one of her hands grabbed his forearm to stroke it gently and Xiao Zhan kissed her hair. Nothing was fixed, but both were willing to do that one day.

And that was in part because both loved the same man too much. The same man he found when he turned around. The same man who was waiting for him with a weak smile. The same man who grabbed his hand firmly. The same man who invited him to totally fix their situation that day in that moment. Maybe it was time to be honest with each other without being at the edge of dying or with one of them being unconscious. Maybe it was time to settle what they really felt and be brave to stand by each other no matter the trouble, no matter the danger, no matter the consequences. Xiao Zhan finally had understood he was only able to move forwards if it was Yibo who was by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a mental block about writing lately so excuse me if I take longer to update this story.


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